Class excursions are getting more complicated as our students obtain more experience. Today we meet the tiny little creature that wreaks the most havoc in its environment. Now when I say "tiny little creature,' I am measuring by kindness, and in this case they would be no bigger than a speck of dust. Today, don your safari hats, lace up your boots and summon the security guard! We're on the trail of the Nasty Ass Thief (NAT)!

Family: Shopper

Genus: Crusty

Species: nasty ass thief

Now Custologists are welcome to sit in on today's lesson, but we advise extra caution since the NAT's tend to be Crusties, which means it will take more advanced methods for encountering them in their environment.

NATs are despicable beasts, guaranteed to snatch up just about anything and attempt to make off with them. Some are lean, quick and sly, able to flee before they are caught. There's the furtive N.A.T., with its distinctive grabby hands, darting eyes and raucous screech whenever confronted by their natural enemies, the Security Officer. Others are brazen and argue angrily with anyone who confronts them. Some are even willing to get into physical altercations over their thievery.

The more brazen the NAT, the more likely they will use tactics such as declaring that a Retail Slave is prejudiced against their race, gender, voting party, religion etc. This tactic is based on the assumption that the Retail Slave will balk at confrontation for fear of being called prejudiced. Unfortunately, sometimes this works.

Security or police are often necessary to take control of the situation, as they will often get out of hand.

The less confrontational NATs rely on stealth and not being seen. After all, if you don't see them steal and conceal, then you cannot stop them. These tend to skulk in the areas of the store where security cameras are not able to observe, or else in areas of the store where line of sight is not limited.

An example can best be put in the form of a miniature story of my own encounter with the handiwork of NATs. I used to work at Noble Barnes in their music department for the holidays. It was here that I learned that NATS will steal anything. ANYTHING. Our biggest 'shrink' section was tucked away in the farthest corner from the register. What genre of music was this, you ask? Christian/Gospel CDs. Yes. You read that right. I often wondered just how many of them were stuck down by a bolt from above.

NAT's take anything that isn't nailed down, and can be either cunning or just outright stupid. It's impossible to pin down an intelligence range. While you have to be just a little bit dumb in order to be a NAT, the range of stupidity to intelligence is vast. They can be 'how can you even remember to breathe?' idiotic, or they can be 'Good God, you could have solved world hunger with the intelligence you just wasted' clever. Their tactics could be anything from 'snatch and flee' to 'plans to smuggle the item out in places no one would think to look' complicated. It could be a devious plan that Retail slaves aren't even aware is happening, or it could be as blatantly obvious as waving their stolen object under the noses of everybody and their grandma as they race off into the sunset.

Unfortunately, this range leaves us with few options to thwart a NAT most of the time. Our only defense is to remain vigilant and keep our eyes on the people who seem to slip off into the hard-to-see places of the store.

Homework: Think of all the creative ways a NAT has (successfully or unsuccessfully) pulled off and submit it to the class.

Class dismissed,