Tip Jar Tuesday
Scary Motel Signage

RHU University 12: Hellspawn

RHU1RDIt has come to this, dear students of RHU University. We're delving into the deepest pits of Retail Hell today. Grab your crucifixes, bibles and holy water, for you shall need them. And I hope you all remembered your ear plugs, as this little beastie is very loud and often shrill. This little beast dwells in the darker recesses of its environment, but has no qualms about scurrying out into the light to wreck havoc upon its victims. These squat little creatures are notorious for their shrill screams, grasping hands and high energy mode of locomotion. They are quick, sometimes stealthy, but always nasty. I am, of course, referring to Hellspawn!

Family: Shopper

Genus: Crusty

Species: hellspawn

Now there are many, many, many names for these little creatures, and depending on the location in the world, a well-read Custologist may also identify them by one of its many local nicknames:

  1. Crotch Goblin
  2. Crotch Fruit
  3. Crotch Droppings
  4. Crotch Monsters
  5. Crotch Spawn
  6. Demon Spawn
  7. The Sperm That Won
  8. Tiny Terror
  9. Ankle Biter
  10. Maniacal Midget
  11. Termite
  12. Terrible Twosomes/Trio/etc
  13. Off Leash Terriers
  14. Carpet Crawlers
  15. Linoleum Lizards
  16. Walking Condom Ads
  17. 9 Month STD
  18. Cookie Crumblers
  19. Lil' Banshees
  20. Lil' Maggots
  21. Decibel Demons

These creatures are small versions of Custies; always badly behaved, rude, mean, or downright malicious. There are two situations in which you may encounter these beasts: either they are with a Bad Parent or they are without a Parent at all.

Hellspawn talesUnder Bad Parents, the child's misbehavior is due to the parent ignoring the Hellspawn constantly and can be exacerbated by direct or indirect encouragement. Bad Parents have more important things to do than to control their children, such as talk on the phone or smile at how 'cute' the bad behavior is. Bad Parents will immediately become angry at any Retail Slave or Custologist who tries to curb their Hellspawn's behavior.

Without parent presence, evidence points to a Bad Parent having dropped their Hellspawn off in order to shop without their Hellspawn underfoot. In this situation, the store is deemed by the Bad Parent as a playground/free daycare for the Hellspawn to be turned loose in.

Once loosed upon its hapless environment, Hellspawn will rampage about the store. Some may knock things over and create a mess, some will race about screaming at levels that will have the light bulbs shattering, and some will do both.

They may be defiant toward retail workers and mouth off if some semblance of order is attempted. This distinctive cry will be "You're-not-my-mom!"

Hellspawn are difficult to control and even more difficult to remove, like a stubborn infestation of bedbugs, and equally as bloodsucking. A Crustologist's best hope is to locate the parent and firmly insist that the Hellspawn either be taken in hand or else the whole family must remove themselves from the premises. Security may be necessary, depending on how aggressive the Poor Parent becomes.

Homework: Share your worst hellspawn moment and what had to be done about it.

Class dismissed,


The Last Archimedean

Didn't happen while I was working, but while I was out shopping.

I see a little boy, couldn't be more than 6 years old, running around wildly with no parent in sight. [I'm at a book store, so I'm not paying full attention as I'm scanning through a book, trying to determine whether I want to buy it.] He careens around a table, gets thrown off balance somehow and crashes into me, instantly curling up into the fetal position and letting out a loud "OOOF! OWW!"

I look down. "You OK, kiddo?"

He doesn't respond right away, but after about 30 seconds, he wobbles to his feet and grunts, "I think so."

"Where's your mom or dad?"

"Somewhere here."

"Shall we go find them to tell them you're OK?"

It took about 5 minutes of searching. They weren't even on the same floor of the store. That 5 minutes felt like 5 hours to me, I was wondering if I was going to have to call the cops and report an abandoned child.

Finally, we find Mom and Dad, and I explain that their child bumped into me and fell down while I was standing around, but he should be OK. No "thanks for checking," no "Where did you go?" to the kid, they just grunted "Fine" and dismissed me with a wave of their hand.

15 minutes later, as I'm buying the book, I see the same kid tearing around the store again. No sign of the parents. I felt really sorry for the kid. If I'd had enough information, I would have called Protective Services, but I didn't know any names.

HeavenSpawn Minder

This is a story (confession) from when I myself was a hellspawn

When I was about 4 years old my aunt took me to the mall and took me to the food court to get a hot dog, everything had been normal to this point, until the poor hot dog slave allegedly messed up the mustard on my hot dog? (picky picky) I threw the hot dog back into the food stand, and RAN from my aunt screaming "HELP HELP THE MONSTER IS CHASING ME SHE'S GOING TO GET ME HELPPPPPPP!"
I then ran directly into her boyfriend who just happened to be in the mall with his buddies at the same time, and he collected me up and took me back to my humiliated aunt.

I absolutely learned my lesson and got a LOOOOOOONNG punishment on that one, don't worry RHU.

I'm nearly 20 and my aunt still doesn't allow me to have hot dogs.

The comments to this entry are closed.