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RHU University 14: Bitches

RHU1RDFGreetings and welcome, my beloved students of RHU University! Ah, I see many of you have glanced at the syllabus and have mistakenly brought along the doggie toys. I am sorry to inform you that your tennis balls, kong toys and treats will do you no good today. No, not even a leash or a muzzle will assist you in today's lesson. Well, okay Jason, MAYBE the shock collar. Keep that on hand, but it's your responsibility to get it on her in the first place.

Why the reference to dogs? To put it simply, because a distant relative of the dog is the subject of our next class. The difference is, dogs are so much sweeter and more enjoyable to be around. Onward to...

Family: Shopper

Genus: Crusty

Species: bitch

Subspecies: Hag, Harridan

Bitches are adult females with bad attitudes. Descendants of the Crazy Lady through side breeding with less aggressive stock, Bitches are a somewhat calmer variant of Crusty.

A majority of Bitches resort to name calling, obnoxious barking and howling, and backless threats. The hyena like gibbering of "You-can't-talk-to-me-like-that!" or "I-don't-like-your-attitude!" is a common call that Crustologists can identify from a distance. She may utter a wail that sounds like a dog in a blender, "I-want-a-manager! Now!" An incredibly daring Crustologist was also able to catch a lower, deeper growl that may be harder to hear at a distance, "I-don't-care-what-the-policy-says. The-customer-is-always-right!"

This discovery has sent shock waves through the Crustology community. Speculation runs rampant that Entitled Crustys may adopt a Bitch into their pack and raise her as one of their own, producing a Bitch that has been trained to also be an Entitled Custy. It is also believed that Entitled Crustys learn from the Bitches, growing more aggressive in their stance of Entitlement. This mutually beneficial and even symbiotic relationship between the two species means that there is a risk of encountering both in a single encounter, often in the same body. Whether you encounter an Entitled Crusty that metamorphoses into a Bitch, or a Bitch that shows Entitled Crusty traits, the result is usually the same: trouble.

Bitch EncounterWhat makes this loud, nasty beast fall into the Crusty category is the aggression she shows toward Retail Slaves and Crustologists alike. While not necessarily a rule, it is certainly common enough to warrant discussion. Aggression from Bitches tends to become physical attacks that turn the situation into an official Police Intervention situation.

Slapping, screaming, kicking, throwing items and hair pulling are all dangers involved with encountering a Bitch in her environment. The separation of a Crazy Lady's behavior and that of the Bitch is the buildup. A Crazy Lady can snap without notice and launch into attack mode without giving a Crustologist a chance to brace themselves. Bitches have a buildup.

When a Bitch is unhappy, there is a definite cycle of escalating effort to get what she wants. First there is the Insistence, vocal only, where she presses a Retail Slave for what she wants. Then there's the Escalation: still verbal, but involving threats and angry language or swearing. Increased volume sometimes comes into play. Finally, there is the Attack, where she may become physically violent.

A sharp Crustologist may be able to identify the subspecies of Bitch that he or she may be encountering. Hags are a subspecies of Bitch and often common enough that the two can be mistaken for one another. You know you're encountering a Hag when your Bitch makes use of only the most expensive paints, makeups and products money can buy in order to conceal her withered, wrinkled skin stretched over her skeletal, almost bird-like body. Hags seek to conceal their less-than-pretty plumage, but the bitter twist to her mouth gives her away. They are also more fluent in spewing verbal abuse and laying blame on their victim, like all abusers.

The Harridan is the more elderly Bitch. "Harridan" is a word for a middle aged-or-older woman with the loud voice and the snobby, bossy attitude. Harridans can be all shapes and sizes, though she tends to be the one with the bellow like a drill sergeant and the habit of barking orders with the attitude that they will be obeyed. "My-way-no-highway-option."  Sometimes they carry around a rat-sized dog under their arm, but more often than not she's the one that shrieks about respecting and obeying your elders. See also Skeksis.

A wise Crustologist dons a set of heavy gloves whenever going out into the field. They are especially recommended in this case.

Homework: Share with the class a time that you encountered a free-range Bitch in her environment.

Class dismissed,

Comments

Pixie Pony

A lady I encountered while working at Magical Rodent Land jumps to mind. At the time, I was working with the characters (I was the person who escorts them and helps take pictures), and it was the end of the day. Only two or three families were left in line. Along comes a woman with her kid up the exit. When I asked how I could help her, she said that her kid wanted to meet the characters. I apologized and explained that the line was closed. The lady stood there for a moment, then said that they had no idea where to find us and my kid loves these characters and could you not do it for my kid? I told her no, I could not. She kept needling and pleading and making snide remarks about me, but I stood firm and kept telling her no. She told finally me that I was extremely rude and insane, and promised to report me and get me fired. Then she walked off in a huff.
Funnily enough, nothing ever happened to me.
Not the craziest thing that ever happened to me at MRL, but she certainly fits the Bitch description.

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