Tip jar Tuesday: Texas
Pool Signage Gets An Edit

RHU University 15: Douchebags

RHU1RDYAhh, my poor, weary students of RHU University... today is going to be another grueling day. Snap on your surgical gloves folks, this can get messy! Today we will encounter the creature that almost guarantees Police Intervention. The creature of today relies on its intimidating appearance and behavior to bully beings it believes to be lesser than itself. It is a horrible, unsanitary creature that makes its lair in the lower colon of Retail Hell, as evidenced by its behavior. Are you ready, my tired minions? Whether you are or not, we're about to encounter the Douchebags!

Family: Shopper

Genus: Crusty

Species: douchebags

Douchebags are adult males with bad attitudes. Urban Dictionary describes them as "Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however has not yet reached fucker." Douchebags are a versatile and prolific species. You can find them roaming about with Bitches, or may be the grown spawn of a Bitch or an Entitled Crusty. In some instances, a Douchebag will seek to latch onto a partner that is good, kind and gentle. Oftentimes, the Douchebag quality will result in the Douchebag getting promptly dumped. However, this just shows how they can integrate themselves into multiple social statuses, at least temporarily.

These thugs are more aggressive than Bitches, and may be more willing to be physically violent. Crustologists suspect that this is an attempt to demonstrate their strength, and thus their perceived eligibility as a mate. The bigger, tougher, meaner, or stronger a Douchebag acts, the more he is trying to impress a potential mate. This trait can, and often does, backfire. Unfortunately, this behavior does work often enough to result in a Hellspawn with the traits of both degenerate parents. Beware!

Douchebags have a vast array of vocalizations, and it's impossible to record them all here. However, I have compiled a small list of examples. Take notes.

A Douchebag, especially when trying to impress his "wuh-mun," will grunt, hoot and pound his chest like a gorilla while declaring, "Yew-caint-talk-to-mah-wuh-man-lak-thet!" Translation can be difficult, but Crustologists believe it is a phrase in the defense of the Douchebag's potential mate, objecting to the way a Retail Slave may have phrased a statement or denial.

Douched"The-only-correct-answer-is-'Yes-sir,'" is usually uttered in a deep, threatening tone, while he makes an effort to look taller and/or loom over the Retail Slave in an attempt to intimidate. Watch for behaviors that go along with it: placing his hands flat on the counter and leaning forward (usually in your face), eyebrows (if plural and not just one heavy monobrow) shoved together over a threatening glower, clenched teeth, and a scowl.

"I-didn't-do-anything-wrong,-[Retail Slave]-has-been-bullying-and-harassing-us!" This call is uttered when a figure of authority comes into the scene, especially one that doesn't look like he or she can be intimidated. Like any bully, if the Douchebag cannot intimidate, he will pretend to be helpless. The success of this varies based on the Douchebag's acting skills and the individual manager.

The physical behavior of a Douchebag is somewhat lessened compared to a Bitch, in that Douchebags have an instinctive fear of laying their hands on a female retail slave. As with many Men of much higher quality and eligibility of the term "Man," a Douchebag wants a mate and knows that society responds in a very strong nad negative way to physical harm toward women, especially if the Douchebag is physically much large and stronger than the woman. Thus he is usually limited to threats and intimidation where his hands do not get soiled.

It is our duty, however, to warn that this is only a general rule and not something a Crustologist should rely on. There are many degenerate breeds of Douchebags that do not share this fear. Always call for backup from a manager or supervisor and be prepared for anything. Do not be afraid to call for the police if you feel truly threatened.

Homework: Describe your most memorable encounter with a Douchebag and share it with the class.

Class dismissed,




so at least 2 years ago Ohio was an At Will state. meaning you can be fired at any time for any non protected reason, IE color, gender, orientation.

UNLESS there was a collective bargaining or other employment contract agreed upon by both employer and employee upon hiring.


sorry, wrong article


The douchebag can also be easily identified in the parking lot. Look for the lifted 4X4 diesel with twin bed-stacks parked across multiple stalls.

The comments to this entry are closed.