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Old People Hell: Red


OLD PEOPLE HELLLumina here again with information about my absolute favorite regular at the Smiling Star: Red.

Red was an older gentleman who drove a beat up red truck and generally showed up in the weird time between lunch and dinner; and would always come inside. This was a bad thing.

For you see, it wasn't the truck that was the most recognizable thing about him; it was the SMELL. He worked on a pig farm, and always seemed dirty to the point that his white beard was turning yellow. I often held my breath when dealing with him and memorized his possible usuals. This did not help me to stay away from the smell. For he wanted everything just right.

He wanted to make sure everything was loaded with meat, toppings, etc. The thing was, he expected about 3X the normal amount that is supposed to come on said item, and instead of us just letting us fill it just a tiny bit more, we had to outright replace it or refund him. All while dealing with his rude demeanor and horrible stench.

The first time he ordered a chili dog from me, I saw one of his worst tantrums. The chili dogs at our restaurant come with chili, onions, and mustard. He only told me he wanted a chili dog and to not skimp out on the chili. So it seemed fine and going as well his orders go, but when I delivered it to his table, he nearly had an aneurysm.


Carolanne peeyew

R: WHY does this have mustard?! Are you trying to kill me! I'm here all the time and you should know I'm allergic!

L: I didn't know, sir. (I honestly didn't, he never ordered anything with mustard from me before) But, we can make a new one for you without mustard.

R: No, I want a refund right now! You just tried to kill me!

He went back to the front counter screaming and complaining to the manager while waiting on his refund. All I can think during all of this is if I ever had a food allergy, I'd tell everybody a million times over to make sure I didn't get poisoned.

Now, if he gets to liking you, he'll chat you up about politics while constantly making racist jokes; always seeming to be angry or blaming somebody. He would also get mad at you for walking away from him unless there was a customer needing to be helped. I just learned to stay out of his smell radius.

Oh well, it was always fun to let the horrible new hires deal with him....



Toxic Manager Hell: Douchey Boss Gets A Heaping Helping Of Justice Served


Manager talesFrom Armageddon

I was fresh out of the military and got an electronics job. This was a small start-up company, so we didn't have corporate headquarters so much as a Business Owner. Holy Thrognar, he was an anal retentive ass with no business intelligence and a massive ego. He decided that now that he had the title of Business Owner, that made him God. What he said, went, because he said so. It didn't matter if it was a bad idea or a stupid idea; everyone was expected to obey... clients and staff alike.

More than one customer who ended up dealing with him, walked out without buying anything, looking thoroughly disbelieving and offended. And I'm not even talking about the obnoxious assholes who needed to be put in their place...

Customer: "I was told I need [X] item with [X] specs. Do you know where I could get a hold of one or whether you can order one in for me?"

Him: (in a condescending, "you're stupid; shut up and let a smarter person tell you what you really need" tone of voice) "No. Use this [other/incompatible/more expensive/not what they are looking for or need] item instead."

Easy enough work if you didn't facepalm yourself unconscious, but helping clients was a bitch due to having a semi-strict 'territory' rule. So if you were assigned DVD players and movies, you were given the side eye and then later, a bit of the third degree questioning for selling a computer chair.

After six months there, I found myself talking to a very interested customer. He wanted what basically turned into a grand tour of everything. I pushed aside the territory rule in my head and did just that. I walked him around, talked to him about his needs and requirements, and discussed various products. Since tech was basically my thing while in the military, I was able to tell him almost everything about everything that he picked up at random.

He made his purchase and went on his way. Then he came back and introduced himself as the CIO (Chief Information Officer) of a Fortune 500 company.

He was looking for a local company to purchase from. I had impressed him with my knowledge and he asked to speak with our Business Owner to meet and greet, but that he would very much like to purchase everything through me afterwards.

I ran into the back to tell the Business Owner. I didn't even get to tell him more details than, "You have an interested business client-" before I was cut off.

Carolanne omgHe asks me why I am trying to book him for a meeting (allowed) with an exec (allowed) for purchases outside my 'territory' (special cases only).

I explained the situation to him, tried to explain that this was a massive chance to put his company on the map with a big buyer, and he told me to go back on the floor, that he would 'handle' the client. I was very puzzled and more than a little concerned by this phrasing.

He came out and told the CIO that someone else (with approximately ~1 week experience) would handle all of his business with the company, and insinuated that I was was incapable of banging rocks together much less handle tech purchasing, and that I clearly needed to be retrained on company policy. All this was delivered in an "I'm God, I will tell you how you will conduct business with me" tone of voice.

I could only stare, stupefied at the scene. I mean... I couldn't even... what the... how could... DUMB! THIS WAS DUMB! At the time, I couldn't even articulate how stupid the Business Owner had just been, though I think my expression said plenty.

It's probably no surprise that the CIO took major offense to this and brought down the thunder on the Business Owner's head. In as many words, he told Business Owner that his small company had just lost out on a buyer with a HUGE BUDGET and a willingness to give us nearly exclusive business.

Business Owner went dead white, then red, then white again.

The CIO turned straight to me and asked me if I would like to have a massive upgrade in career. Not even the Joker could have laughed as hard as I did that day as I dumped my vest and name badge on the Business Owner's desk and walked out with the CIO. 

The interview was pretty much a formality, but once he knew that I was handling tech for the military previously, and that I knew how to handle bullshit, red tape and paperwork, he was even happier that he found me.

As for the startup company and Business Owner? Just one of many failed enterprises.



Grocery Store Hell: I looked for 30 seconds and couldn't find it therefore it doesn't exist



From enoyes, Tales From Retail:

Had a woman come up to me yell at me from 20 feet away and ask where the olives are. I know they're in either aisle 10 or 11 but couldn't remember which one so I told her to check those two aisles. She says she already checked 10 so she'll look in 11.

She comes back no more than a minute later (keep in mind our aisles are 90 feet long) and tells me she checked both aisles and couldn't find them. I didn't have any customers at this point so I figure I'll just show her. I say "no they're in one of those aisles, follow me let's go look" and start walking down aisle 10. She starts walking behind me, yelling that she already looked.

"No, no! They're not here! They're not he- oh there they are"