So this happened three hours ago in a Mexican restaurant that tends to be crowded around lunch time. Maybe it's the $5.55 enchilada,rice, and beans lunch combo. Maybe it's the $5 beer pitchers or $8 margarita pitchers. Maybe it's the big inflatable corona bottles hanging from the ceiling. Regardless, there is always an inordinate amount of people at this establishment and it makes me happy as hell because it's family owned and the owners are the nicest people around.
I'm doing my weekly 'me time' thing and having a solo lunch to just think about life when a woman and her child are seated at a table near me.
For seemingly no reason, this demon child begins what I can only describe as the wail of a chupacabra in heat. It's LOUD and obnoxious. No worries, I can put in some headphones until mom is able to control her spawn.
Over the next twenty minutes, I have to turn up the volume increasingly louder because the kid just won't shut up. I look over and mom is completely ignoring him and on her phone. Whatever. I guess I'll order a beer pitcher instead of a mug and drown my growing irritation in a delicious Belgian pale ale.
Immersed in my music and food, I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's mom. She must be here to apologize for little Satan's behavior as he's now decided to take a break from his screaming to accost guests at the other tables.
Me: Well I'm not finished eating yet so...
My voice trails off because I have no earthly idea why she is asking me this. She says nothing and returns to her table. Fine with me.
Headphones back in. Life is good.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see mom pointing aggressively in my direction and speaking with the manager. I look out the window to see if anything is going on outside because I sure as hell didn't do anything.
After a few minutes, manager walks over to me looking exasperated and defeated. I get it. I've worked in retail. It's 'The Look'.
Manager: I'm so sorry to bother you but this woman insists that you're one of my employees and that you wouldn't get up for her and her son to sit here. I understand this is a huge inconvenience to you but would it be possible for you to please come with me to her table to confirm that you are not an employee?
Me: I can do that or I can make all of our lives easier and just move. It's no sweat off my back and if it'll make the kid shut up, I'll take one for the team.
A wave of relief rushed across the manager's face . I felt so bad for him having to deal with the customer that the least I could do is move over a few booths. He thanks me profusely and sent over my server to move me to a new table.
Mom and little Satan move to my old table and the monster finally settles down to eat his damn chicken strips. Mom sends me horrible dirty looks the rest of the time I'm there, which is weird but okay. Headphones back in.
I look up, half expecting it to be mom again. It's the manager and he's holding a delicious looking frozen strawberry margarita.
He hands me the heavenly confection and I happily accept the offering. Literally as soon as he leaves, I get another 'visitor' to my booth. Mom is back.
Mom: hissing and red faced I don't know who the fuck you think you are disrespecting me like this. I need your name and I'm calling the owner of this goddamn place to tell him myself that you lied to me and your manager covered for your lazy ass
I'm a pretty calm person and mostly awkward and confrontation isn't my thing, so my response wasn't legendary but it was pretty bold for me.
Me: I don't work here. Like seriously do not. I have never worked here. I'm here to eat, drink, relax, and uber home. Your demon child ruined that for me and now so are you. Please leave me the hell alone. My name is shmittromney and you can see my ID if you don't believe me, but there is nobody working here with my name and the owners will tell you that.
Headphones back in. I refused to look up and turned my music on as loud as possible until she went away.