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Retail Balls Award: Handling A Cheap Crusty


Balls award3From The Key Oracle

A customer comes into my key shop and tells me that he has locked his keys in the car.

Since this was in the 70's I say, "No problem, I can pop it open for five bucks," and he agrees.

Because I have done this a thousand times it takes me about 30 seconds to open the door and because I have done this a thousand times I reach in and grab his keys before he can. "Five bucks please."

He says, "No way, 30 seconds work is not worth $5, here is a dollar."

Me: "We agreed on five bucks."

Him: "Not going to happen, take the dollar or nothing."

Me: "Not a problem, 'nothing' it is."

Then I toss his keys on the front seat, hit the locking pin, close the door, and start to walk away.

He says, "Wait, you can't do that!"

Me: "I looks like I just did."

Him: "All right asshole here is the 5 bucks."

Then I say, "Well now you want me to open the car twice, so it is now ten bucks, in advance please."

He paid.

--The Key Oracle




Glad you told that welcher $10 cash up front.
The 70's, when door locks where still shaped like golf tees and windows had lots of rubber around the frame. One wire hanger with the right shaped hook and you were in. Every month we'd have a customer asking to have a stock guy break into their car. It should have been listed as an employment requirement for stockers and baggers. You're a bagger, you must know haw to break into their car. In a minute I could convert a hanger into a car opener and have it open. I loved when the cars changed and the stores had to call the cops to use a jimmy to open the car locks. Now no cop breaking in either. I also once opened a car trunk that was the same make model and color as mine parked two spaces from mine with my key. What's this crap in my trunk?


When I worked for the #2 car rental company as a driver, if someone locked the keys in one of the cars and it was a GM one, odds were good that if we had three of them around, the keys would fit. Especially for Grand Caravans, there were literally only six keys for those.



Ahahahaha! I'm imagining you staring into the trunk, all confused and annoyed at this crap that you don't remember being in there before.

Suddenly you look to your left, look to your right, get an "OH SHIT!" look on your face, hastily shutting their trunk and innocently whistling as you go to your actual car. XD


You had until the whistling. Try quickly walking to my trunk, trying the key and when it opens "yes this is really my car" and throwing my stuff in. I immediately leave.

My boss still has a Slim Jim in his office for opening locked cars. Not much use any more.


There was an incident here where a woman reported her car stolen. They got a call a few hours later from the person who had her car. Apparently it was a kid who had been borrowing his parents' car that was the same make and model. He got into this woman's car, and the key worked well enough that he was able to start the car and drive it home. When he got home, his parents pointed out that he had the wrong car. He got back in and tried to start it to take it back to where he got it, but now the key wouldn't work. Luckily the woman who owned the car thought the whole thing was hilarious and wasn't mad.


My dad got chased 3 city blocks in New York City when he tried to open the wrong silver Nissan Sentra back in the 90's. Turns out, the guy had his car broken into like 3 times, so he was watching it waiting for someone to try it. Well, my dad comes along thinking it's his car, tries to open it, looks up and sees this guy coming at him with a baseball bat! He starts running, the guy is yelling at him, my dad is yelling apologies over his shoulder. His car was parked like 5 spaces down


I actually did unlock and climb into a van that was the same make/model/color as mine in a parking lot once. It took me a moment to figure out why my car wouldn't start, since the key wouldn't turn in the ignition. Then I looked around, and realized this van was way cleaner than mine. Sure enough, two spaces over there was my van.

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