Customer Rejects: The Power of Krispy Kreme
Customer Service: Their Most Lucrative Idea Yet!

Tech Support Hell: Surprise Bus Driver



From Techtyger:

I work for a credit card processing company, in tech support. We deal mainly with problems with the terminals we supply, and to a limited extent with things like 'I closed the batch before adding tips'. Agents are the ones responsible for actually going out and setting up the hardware for the merchants, as well as dicking around with their network and so on. Tech support doesn't support anything but our own terminals. We don't support point of sale software, or their networks, or their ISP, etc. Their agent would do that for them sometimes, but not my circus, not my monkies. 
Dramatis Personae: 
Me: TechTyger TT     Agent Derp: MS       Merchant: M
To the stories! 
Derp the first: He calls in demanding to know why his merchant can only process over dialup. We have to request credentials from the front end bank to  allow their terminals to connect to the bank directly. I look in the documentation and see the reason, and start to explain.
TT: "The reason is that on the original form --" Interrupted! 
MS: "I'm going to bring the merchant on and you're going to tell them why they can't process on high speed!" (Hold) 
(Evil Grin showing all my teeth and none of my humor as I get the bus warmed up...) 
MS: "Ok, now tell the merchant why he can't process on high speed!"
TT: "Because on the original order for for the terminal, you chose 'Dial Only'." I have a scanned copy of the form, and he's crossed out the entire credential area and written "DIAL ONLY" on it with his initals. 
MS: ( 
He tried to throw me under the bus, only to find out I was driving it.
That made me smile for the rest of the day. 
Carolanne 032b*
Derp the second: 
Same goober. 
There's some software that is setup to work with various POS devices. We have very, very little access to it; we can just about change the name of a store. The card brands (Visa and Mastercard,  mostly) are requiring a new, more secure and complex encryption be used on everything that deals with credit cards, as of the end of September. (Note that this is two weeks into October...) So he has to get the people who build those files to update them, then go out and update the POS. Which is not me. Or my company, it's a third party thing.
He's got me on a speakerphone, which I hate because there is no such thing as a good speakerphone. It sounds like he's got a bucket on his head . 
MS: (Lots of blah blah posturing about how he's trying to be a hero for the merchant and get them processing right away and I'm deliberately holding him back and he's fighting the Good Fight against the Evil Tech Tyger who is not allowing him to do it, yadda yadda.) 
TT: (puts him on hold to research / punish for a bit) "Ok, what version of the (software) are you using? 
MS: "The newest one, of course!" 
TT: "Ok, and what version number is that?" 
MS: "I can't believe you're preventing me getting this updated--" (flip on the user filters at this point and it turns to a background hum until a significant word comes through) "-- It's version blah.bloo.neep." (Equivalent: Windows XP) 
TT: "Ok, that's the problem. That's about six versions behind, and the new encryption requires the newest version which is this.that.theother." (Equivalent: Windows 10) 
MS: (wordless spluttering for a moment as he thinks how he can be the victim) "Well, you should make it more clear the software should be up to date!"
TT: "We don't support the software, that's what the installers do." 
MS: (More spluttering and hangs up) 
I haz a happee. This guy is a Known Problem that will constantly blame tech support in front of the merchants for things he should have done, and I've twice gotten to hold up his own foot for him to shoot. :D 











Very satisfying :)


I now have 2 new phrases to use. Excellent. Great Job!!

"He tried to throw me under the bus, only to find out I was driving it."

"...gotten to hold up his own foot for him to shoot."

Kai Lowell


I'm totally stealing those turns of phrase too.


You have to make the 'bus driver' motion while you say it, remember. It's an important part of it. I did it while I was typing too.


The comments to this entry are closed.