Fromironsprite, TalesFromRetail

I come bearing a tale that is one of the most ridiculous customer encounters I've had in my almost 17 years of retail experience. So buckle up, kids. It's gonna be a wild ride.

The characters:
Me: Assistant Manager/slave

SW: Senile Woman, as there's really no other explanation

Relevant to the story: We are unable to take orders over the phone. Credit cards must be physically swiped/inserted at the register and we have absolutely no way around this.

The setting: a shoe store. Just a few days ago. I had just clocked in for my closing shift. The phone rings.

Me: "Good afternoon, thank you for calling ShoeStore, how may I help you?"

SW: "Oh hi. I was in your store earlier today looking at a pair of shoes, and I'm just kicking myself for not buying them. I'd like for you to ship them to me."

Me: "Unfortunately we are unable to take orders over the phone, but I'd be glad to put them on hold for you."

SW: "But I live alllllll the way in SameStateInWhichMyStoreIsLocated and I can't make the trip alllll the way out there again!"

Me: "uh... I'm sorry about that, but I have no way of taking payment over the phone."

SW: "Can I order them online?"

Me: "Possibly, which shoe were you looking at?"

SW: "I don't know."

A little back and forth ensues, with her attempting to explain what the shoe looked like and where it was located in the store. I'm somehow able to find it. It's a single pair of sandals from last year that are on super mega clearance because, well, they're old.

Me: "unfortunately you won't find these on our website, they're from last year."

SW: "well what am I supposed to doooooo??!!"

Me: go back in time and buy them when you were here? "I'm not sure, ma'am."

SW: "OH! You can ship them to me, and when I get them I'll mail you a check!"

Me: "Sorry ma'am, I can't send out merchandise that has not been paid for."

SW, getting increasingly frustrated: "Is there anyone else there I can talk to? A manager?"

Me, trying to suppress laughter as my manager is staring at me, shaking his head at hearing my side of the conversation: "No, I'm the only manager here right now."

SW: "Well then, you can buy it for me and I'll mail you a check."

Me: "Excuse me?"

SW: "They're not even $20. You pay for it and I'll send you a personal check. I'm good for it."

Me: "I'm not going to do that."

SW: "Well is there anyone else there who would?"

Me: "No ma'am, no one here is going to buy your shoes for you."

Staring from my manager intensifies, we both exchange the 'I can't wait to talk about this one' look.

SW: "Well I mean this is ridiculous. All I want is those shoes and no one will help me. So there's nothing you can do?"

Me: "No ma'am, I'm afraid there isn't."

SW: "Well then THANKS A LOT."

click

I burst out laughing and regale my manager with the full conversation. A nearby customer overhears and also starts laughing. I spend most of my remaining shift hiding in the back room, I feel like I earned it.

--ironsprite