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Easter Tales: There's Something Wrong About Needing... That... On Easter


1 easterFrom polychromie, TalesFromRetail

I work at an adult store. It's one of those nice ones, no booths or sticky spots. Last night I was minding my own business, straightening up a mess behind the counter, when the phone rings.

Me: "Thank you for calling Dildo Shack!"

Caller: "What are your hours for tonight and tomorrow?"

Me: "Tonight we're open until midnight, and tomorrow we're closed for Easter."

Caller: "What?!"

Me: "We're closed for the holiday, but normally we're open 12-8 on Sundays."

Caller: "Since when do people celebrate Easter?" click

I'm dreading the complaints next week... Who wants sex toys on Easter anyway? Shouldn't you be eating chocolate or something?

And a prank call came in, right as I was about to take a backup register and sit down to count it while stuffing my face with chocolate.

Me: "Thank you for calling Dildo Shack!"

Adult store 3Caller (teenage girl, as per usual for these): "What do you guys, like, have there?"

At this point I give it 75% odds of a prank call (we're very well known in the area), and my feet hurt, so I'm really over it already.

Me: "Well, we sell lingerie, adult toys, movies, condoms, and so on."

Caller: "What kind of toys?"

Yep, definitely a prank call. Oh perfect, there's someone who needs to be rung up and my coworker is on a 10.

Me: "Well vibrating, nonvibrating, all different kinds. We're open until midnight if you want to come check them out!"

Caller: "Are they useful?"

Me: "Sure?"

Caller: "You don't sound like you know."

Me: "Well, they're for fun. They don't do your dishes or anything, so it kind of depends on your definition of useful." (Thinking: will you either say something ridiculously inappropriate or giggle and hang up already?)

Caller: "Can you try them in the store?"

Me: "Well we can take them out of the box so you can feel them in your hands, but no, if you want to try them you need to buy them and take it home." (Will the giggling start now? PLEASE?)

Caller: "But I want to try them. Why can't I try them?"

Me: "Well that would be unsanitary."

Caller: "But I'm clean!" (my actual customers look confused and impatient)

Me: "Well I have a few customers in the store I need to take care of, if you want we're open till midnight so come in and check them out!"

Caller: "That's not very good customer service." (you're not a customer...)

Me: "Is there anything else I can help you with?"


Me: "Well just so you know we prosecute harassing phone calls, have a good night." click

She called back and hung up immediately when my male coworker answered. Too bad, too, he scares the CRAP out of prank callers.





One of my early calls at AOhelL was 'some old guy' (obviously a younger one trying to sound like 'get off my lawn' old) who wanted me to help him find that lesbian porn that he heard is on the tubes. I just kept repeating 'type in what you're looking for', since I didn't want to play, then at the end, since we were supposed to give them a keyword, told him he might get some use out of AOL keyword VD...

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