From Puppies In Prada

Religious Freak sighted!

Donation door time. Things are moving along, when an elderly lady and her husband come to the door. She has stuff to donate.

K. Cool. What'cha got? Okay, some clothes, misc housewares.

And then she pulls out a little wall clock with some... er... vegetables with faces. Okay, I do not understand this fashion of putting faces on my food, but whatever. (Seriously, Shopkins disturb me. Maybe I'm a snobby American, but food should not still have its freaking face. It's like it's watching you devour its flesh...)

... *ahem*

Her: "And this Veggie Tales Clock. Are you familiar with them?"

Me: "Ah, no. No I'm not familiar with them. But I'm sure someone who is will love this clock."

Her: "Oh, are you a Christian?"

This can't end well. Fuck. Me.

Me: "No, ma'am. I'm not."

Her: "Oh, well never mind then."

She adds it to the donation pile and I write up a receipt. Then she spots my shirt.

Shirt: "Sweet mother, sweet mother, send your child unto me, for the sins of the unworthy must be baptized in blood and fear."

For those not in the geekdom, it's a prayer from the Elder Scrolls game series, to summon the Dark Brotherhood... a guild of assassins. A wee bit disturbing, perhaps, but I am also the kind of person who would wear a Heartless shirt over a Sora shirt, or an Umbrella shirt over a S.T.A.R.S shirt, or an Aperture Laboratories shirt over a Chell shirt. [Also geek references. If you don't get them, google them. *shrugs*]

Her: *Horrified expression*

Me: "It's a game reference, ma'am."

Her: "Have you accepted Jesus!?"

Fuck. Me. Again. I just told you I'm not a Christian.

Me: "No ma'am. I'm not a person of faith."

Woman: "I will pray for you."

And I'll talk to my pet parrot for you. It will net the same results.

Me: *politely* "If it makes you happy, by all means, ma'am."

Her: "No, really, I'll pray that you'll find Jesus and be saved by God."

I read the Bible. That's WHY I'm an atheist, precious. And maybe you MEAN well, but you're basically praying that my free will is forcibly subjugated and that I am forced to surrender it in order to blindly believe in something that I don't believe in. Not. Appreciated.

Me: [patented Retail Smile (TM)] "Okie dokie, ma'am. Have a lovely day and enjoy the beautiful spring weather! Bye bye now!"

Fellow atheist coworker: "Did she lose Jesus again? I swear they need to put a bell on him or something."

-----

Related but non-retail story:

I tell my mom about my encounter:

Me: "Do YOU know what Veggie Tales is about?"

Mom: "Well, it's a kid's show and they tell Bible stories through the vegetables."

Me: "...Boy I bet they dumb that way the fuck down. The Bible is FULL of sex and violence. Hell, God drowning the world is pretty damn dark."

Mom: "...well in the show, the world is filled with soup."

Me: "?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Within the context of the world, that's FUCKING SICK! That means "God" is literally chopping them up and boiling them! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR KIDS?!"

I tried watching one episode on youtube just to say I was open minded. I lasted 30 seconds because an asparagus spoke in a voice that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. After the fourth light bulb in the house shattered, I gave up.

--Puppies In Prada