From Puppies In Prada

I have a new "Favorite" donation. Lady pulls up and gives me a box full of misc housewares. Like a bajillion little things in this box.

Me: "Thanks for thinking of us!"

Smile. Smile on the outside. Don't think about shooting her with Scotty's eventual deathray. Keep smiling. Don't think about how you have to go through all this shit somehow.

Lady: "Oh, and I'd like a receipt, too."

Ahahaha of course you do. Luckily for ME, we don't list things individually, so I can literally hand you a piece of paper that says "1 box small housewares" and initial it.

So that's what I do. And as I'm about to finish it up, she goes;

Lady: "Oh yeah, and I'm donating a diamond ring too. Could you add that to the list?"

WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP! RED ALERT! MY BULLSHIT-O-METER NEEDLE HAS PEGGED AND SNAPPED OFF! POLITICIAN LEVEL BULLSHIT ALERT! SEND IN THE HAZMAT SUITS! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Me: *Huge shit-eating grin* "Really?! That's awesome! Let's see it!"

I pretend to dig through the rubbish, watching out of the corner of my eye as this lady's face falters.

Lady *stuttering a bit*: "Er, it's, uh, in... in the box. Look, I need to go somewhere so can you add it to my receipt and look later?"

Me: "No, ma'am. I need to have something THAT valuable physically in my hands before I can add it to my receipt."

Lady, nervously: "Uh, let me see if I can..." she digs halfheartedly for two seconds, then gives up.

Lady: "Uh, maybe I forgot to bring it. I'll have to bring it in next time..."

Me: *shit eating grin widens* "Sounds great, ma'am. So one box of misc minor housewares. 'Initial To Make It Official,' (I put my initials on it) and here's your copy. I keep the master, you get the yellow duplicate." (...So if you write it on your copy, it's obviously fraudulent, you lying twit.)

She leaves, obviously disappointed that her bullshit lie failed so spectacularly.

Fucking hell, lady, lying to the IRS is a felony! I'm not going to be a part of that, and I'm going to cover my ass for when they do audits.

--Puppies In Prada