From M, April 2009:
I don't know what it is about 'guests' but they just seem to get more and more insane and stupid as time progresses. This was probably one of the best phone conversations I've ever had. Enjoy.
*on the phone*
My coworker: no. maam. uh. no. you can't on the phone. no. yes. okay hold on.
My coworker to me: She wants a manager.
Me: [takes phone.] Thank you for holding this is M how can I help you?
Lady: yea I bought [insert item here. I honestly can't remember what it was] and it doesn't work and I want to return it.
Me: Okay, do you have a receipt for it dated within 90 days?
Lady: yes! I just bought it and it doesn't work!
Me: I'm very sorry about that. Just bring in the item and the receipt to the service desk and we'll gladly exchange or refund the item for you.
Lady: Look, I don't live by the store. it's too far away.
Me: Well that's okay, you don't have to return it to this store. You can return any [store name] merchandise to any [store name].
Lady: This is a pain. I don't have time to keep running back and forth. Can we do this over the phone?
Me: [pause] over the phone?
Lady: yes, can't I just read you the information off the receipt or something?
Lady: Why not? this is ridiculous, I shouldn't have to drive all the way back there because this thing is broken!
Me: Ma'am, there is no way to return something over the phone. I need the merchandise in the store to refund the money for it.
Lady: I can't believe this. I want to process this return over the phone so I don't have to drive to ANY [Store Name].
Me: Ma'am, I'm sorry but I cannot return an item over the phone. With a return you need to give back the merchandise that you don't want. You cannot keep the merchandise and get your money back for it. It's kind of like stealing.
Lady: I don't steal!
Me: I'm not implying that you do, but if I were to give you back money for something you kept it's sort of the same concept.
Lady: Thank you for your help. *click*
*sigh* Yes, I cannot believe this actually happened either. Maybe next time she'll ask to return something via email!