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Gas Station Hell: Pinballing Customer Leaves Mark


Gas station 1

From Tera, June, 2012:

You ever have a moment where you see something that makes you laugh, and then you realize ‘Damnit, now I have to clean that up!’?

I had one on Sunday.

I was stocking the cooler full of beer, a job that I surprisingly enjoy since it means dealing with fewer customers. Shift Leader 1 was helping me, and it was right after my late lunch break.

I looked up to check the clock when I hear ‘I NEED THE BATHROOM NOW!’

This drunk-ass woman came pinballing in, and when I say ‘pinballing’, I mean she would stagger into something and then stagger into something else. Oh, and she had pissed herself at some point.

I told the Shift Leader that she was a little too late to need the bathroom, and one of the girls on register led her where she needed to go. Couple minutes later, she pinballs herself back out the store and manages to fall into an open truck door that belonged to what I assume was her boyfriend’s.

It was kind of funny to watch, really, and I had a good laugh over it. Until the girl on register ran over, telling us the lady had pissed on the floor under the baby changing station.

I ran in to see, and yes. She had pissed on the floor, not 5 feet from the toilet. And to top it off, there was used toilet paper next to the puddle. I got to spend the next several minutes cleaning and scrubbing the bathroom down, pissed (no pun intended) as hell.

Well, at least she wiped, right?



 for more Gross Retail Hell stories go here

and for more Gas Station Hell go here




Retail Hell Halloween Horror Show: CREEPS AND PIGGIES   



From Kerry, November, 2010:

Costume stores weren't the only ones in Halloween Retail Hell!!! For some reason the piggies and creeps decided to invade my store and scare the living shit out of me.

All the pics below are from Halloween afternoon???? WTF?! Why weren't these fucking piggies at home making messes with pumpkins and M & M's like they should be???!

But no, they had to come into my department and throw clothes around like it was fucking laundry day.


 Clearance Rack Massacre. Yes, I needed a chainsaw to clean it up.

Hangar Hellraiser in 3 fucking D.


Denim zombies! Get me some gasoline and a match.

An intimates rejection. Intimates is on the other side of the store.


 A not so rare occurrence of Paranormal Piggy Activity.




The fitting rooms were a constant fucking mess. If I had caught the bitch that did this, in honor of Halloween I might have turned into Michael Meyers and strangled her with one of the jeans she left turned inside out!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!

If I only had a blow torch and a Jigsaw mask I could've played SAW the retail version. Ugh.

Sad to say, my night of extra hellacious retail horror show doesn't end here.

Early in the evening (there was still people shopping and making fucking messes), this guy came in with his 12 year old daughter. He looked pretty young to have a 12 year old, but whatever. The girl goes into the fitting room to try stuff on and he sits down and waits.

Carolanne 024I was nearby hanging things up and folding returns and all that, and obviously I'm never happy to be working, but today had been so bad with all the huge fucking messes, I wasn't smiling.(like I'm ever smiling in the 9th circle of hell).

This guy is now staring at me and says:

"Smile sweetheart."

WFT??? I'm sorry, what did you say fuckface?????!

I wanted to beat him with the hanger in my hand, but instead I ended up thinking he was an okay dude just being sympathetic, and I tell him about cleaning up after the pigs all day, having to work on Halloween, and how I hate my job and can't wait to quit.... 

He seemed totally understanding, so I stupidly kept going, and added, "....and they are keeping the store open till ten."

His eyes lit up. A creepy smile crawled across his face and he said:

"I can definitely look at you until ten."


*insert screaming and vomiting*

I walked away and cleaned the other side of the department until he left with his daughter.

Around 9 pm I was cleaning all that denim out of the fitting rooms. As I exited the fitting rooms onto the main floor, it was just like a scary-ass nightmare on Elm Street, where Freddy Krueger morphs out of the scenery ready to attack.

Creep face had come back.

But thankfully not alone. Tagging along side of him was some girl who kept calling him BABE.

Carolanne 018Oh yes,this super douche asshole appeared to have a chick already, yet he was still hitting on me.

I was actually relieved and ignored them.

So they're shopping around on one side of the department and I'm in the middle by the fitting room again. Suddenly he wanders away from her and makes a b-line for me. Then walked up to me and said,"I'm going to be checking you out the rest of the night."

....ummm CREEEPY MUCH?!

I wanted to pound his face and tear his fucking voice box out of his demon-faced head.  

But I said nothing and continued working, all the time fantasizing about him falling into a lake full of starving piranhas.

Finally she wants to leave for the men's department and takes off with him trailing...


The super douche could walk by me again while I'm folding denim and say, "Smile sweetheart, cheer up."

Really?! Dude are you really gonna say that to me??, you slimy fuckin asshole!

Even though I wanted to tear his balls off and shove' em down his throat or tell him off on the spot, I held back. I knew it would end badly...for me...I may hate my job, but not looking to get fired from hell right now.

So I said: "I won't cheer up until I see my boyfriend when I get out of here tonight."

He gives me a blank stare and walks off, while I watch him walk his creepy ass away, burning fiery holes into the back of his ugly head with my death glare.

That's right, I think, go fuck right off, you skanky douche.

I never want to work on Halloween again.



see more Clothing Hell stories here

and more of the Creepy Custys here

for more frights with Fitting Room Nightmares go here









From Insecurity, October, 2014:

A few days ago, I had to explain what a stalking horse was to a custy. It is a distraction which allows you to sneak up on someone, based on a hunting technique where the prey follows the now dismounted horse and is ambushed by the former rider.

They thought it was a stocking horse, as in a stocking obsessed fashionista (clothes horse + stockings, evidently) and therefore rather kinky.



read more Dumbass Customer stories here

read more Security Hell tales here








Shoe Store Hell: What Causes That?



From Joe the Cigar Guy, February, 2012

Hello all!

Yeah, I've been lurking more than I should, but work at Legume's is taking more of my time and that's a good thing! The powers-that-be have increased my hours, so that means mo' money, mo' money, MO' money!

I'm going to take Freddie's advice about keeping work rants on the down-low, because I really like this job.

Buuuuuuut, something happened recently that I just have to share with y'all...

Just yesterday, two 60-ish Asian women were browsing the shoe department. After some minor language-barrier problems, I brought out several pairs of our lightweight hiking boots.

That's when the older of the two ladies took off her shoes and socks and I saw that the tips of her toes were black! (and not with dirt!)

She said something to her companion and the companion asked me, "What cause's that?"

In my head, I scrolled down the list of possible responses:


("Wearing shoes that are too tight")

Cigarguy("Long periods of inactivity")




But I settled on: "Ma'am, I'm not a doctor, but I think your friend should get that checked out...soon!"

She relayed that info, they both nodded and took their purchases up to the registers. Meanwhile, I'm thinking "Why would you POSSIBLY let a condition like that just slide? And why ask a shoe salesman for a medical diagnosis?"

I'm still shaking my head over that one.

...and the dance goes on.


--Joe the Cigar Guy



read more Shoe Store Hell stories here