This story was originally posted on December 14, 2009

From The Malmart Peon

Hi Carolanne, Freddy, and Jason! 

I'm a huge fan of Retail Hell Underground, and today I finally had a customer who is worthy of this incredible site.

We'll call her psychotic bitch-lady. 

See, I work at Malmart, that store that's taking over the world and can't use the smiley-face logo because it can't be copyrighted. And at Malmart, the customer is always right. Even when they're wrong. 

And psychotic bitch-lady knew that. 

Five minutes before the end of my shift her and her husband walk up to the speedy check-out I'm manning, and drop a clear box with what looks like a febreeze candle, aerosol can, reed diffuser, and flameless votive thingy on my counter.

The plastic is removable and really smudged, and there's a sticker with a vendor's phone number on the back of the container.

Now, psychotic bitch-lady and her incredibly abused husband explain that it was supposed to be nine dollars, but they want a discount because the plastic is smudged and it looks like people have been using it.

I looked at the box, then back at them, and then at the box.  And then I said "Ma'am, this is a display. We can't sell this, because it's fake. You can't actually use these products."

Yes fellow retail employees, she grabbed the display.

And it doesn't stop there.

No, she insisted that it was for sale because there was a sign below it which said nine dollars, and that she wanted it.

"Yes ma'am, but it's fake. There's nothing in these bottles, and the candle is rubber. If you left a reed diffuser open like that it would dry up very quickly."

At that moment one of our assistant managers happens to walk by, and psychotic bitch-lady latched on to the assistant manager and insisted on showing her where this crazy person found the display. 

Later the unlucky assistant manager informed me that psychotic bitch-lady kept on saying that "she wanted it."

Okay, so when did repeating something over and over again change reality?!

Seriously, we were trying to save her money, and she bitched at the assistant manager, and then at a CSM about the assistant manager, and then told me that she was going to go yell at her husband!!

WHAT THE FUCK?! How dumb do you have to be?!

I was hoping that they would tell me to sell it to her, so I could inform her that when she discovers that it's not real she cannot return it, as it was a nine dollar stupid tax. 

I need a drink.  Or a cigarette.  Or both.  Yeah, both sounds good. 

Yours eternally,

--The Malmart Peon

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