From Michael, August 2009
In these times of customers abusing the crap out of retailers, it's time for a fresh set of commandments. I'd love to see these etched into stone tablets, one for each which we could beat over the heads of customers breaking them.
1) I AM THE ASSOCIATE HELPING YOU, THE ONE AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME.
I don't give two farts in a windstorm who helped you last time and what a good little whore they were for you. They aren't here to help you now, I AM. I AM just as capable, and in many cases actually a more qualified clerk because I've worked here full time 3.5 years and have been asked damn near everything.
2) YOU SHALL MENTION NO COMPETITORS BEFORE ME.
I care even LESS what the hardware stores that have bigger floors and therefore more purchasing power are charging for the same item here. You'll lose the savings in gasoline driving there and back, and the whole reason you came here first is because their clerks don't know jack. You want to go with the cheapest price? I'll draw you a map and wave as you leave for good.
3) YOU SHALL NOT CONSIDER YOURSELF AN IDOL.
You are not infallible. The greatest fallacy in retail is "The Customer Is Always Right." Just because you "remember" having gotten something here doesn't make it true. My favorite response to these ignorant assholes is to call their damn bluff: "Well then, please show me where you got it so I'll know for next time." Shuts them up fast. Threatening to never shop at my store again is no threat at all, because if you're playing that card I'm already annoyed with you and want you to go away.
4) YOU SHALL NOT MAKE WRONGFUL USE OF THE NAME OF THE MANAGER.
You think I'm intimidated by you name-dropping the store manager? I know his name too. I talk to him more often than you do, and I know for a fact that he'd rather keep me around than you. If it's a decision I know he can make but I can't, I'll call him for you. If you're asking the impossible, your calling upon him will only result in all our time being wasted, and I'll tell you as much.
5) REMEMBER THE STORE HOURS, AND KEEP THEM HOLY.
Don't be banging on the doors thirty minutes before we open, there's no cashiers to ring you up yet. Don't expect to be let in five minutes past closing, we're trying to clean up after you slobs before going home. As for all of you stragglers who make it in the doors in time then just wander around for ten... fifteen... even TWENTY minutes after the store's closed, Take the hint when I keep asking you what else you need before we leave and GTFO.
6) HONOR OUR DISPLAYS AND PACKAGING.
Stop leaving random crap on the shelves. This includes your trash, merchandise from other displays, and your children's toys. DO NOT tear open packages like they were under your tree on Christmas morning. If you DO want to see what's in the box, be ready to buy the box you just opened. For that matter, be ready to buy anything you've opened.
7) YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT CHILDERY.
We are a place of business, and that business is not child care. Watch your children in the store. If they throw a fit, take them out to the parking lot and discipline them. Do not allow them to run wild and scream within the store. If you won't take care of your spawn, I won't take care of you.
8) YOU SHALL NOT STEAL.
I can't believe it, this one's totally unaltered from the original. Shoplifting isn't cool, it's pathetic, and when you're caught, we may decide to kick your ass and then call the police to drag you off.
9) YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THE WORKERS.
Do not claim you were treated rudely just because we told you "no." Do not make up lies about how you were treated, the management knows better... after all, they work with us every day and the employees that can't behave don't last long.
10) YOU SHALL NOT COVET THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT.
It's not as good of a perk as you think. It comes with the cost of working retail, after all... which means poverty level wages, extreme disrespect from most the customers, and cleaning up after you slobs. You want to pay less for that $2 light bulb, apply to work here and know my pain.