Easter Tales: There's Something Wrong About Needing... That... On Easter


1 easterFrom polychromie, TalesFromRetail

I work at an adult store. It's one of those nice ones, no booths or sticky spots. Last night I was minding my own business, straightening up a mess behind the counter, when the phone rings.

Me: "Thank you for calling Dildo Shack!"

Caller: "What are your hours for tonight and tomorrow?"

Me: "Tonight we're open until midnight, and tomorrow we're closed for Easter."

Caller: "What?!"

Me: "We're closed for the holiday, but normally we're open 12-8 on Sundays."

Caller: "Since when do people celebrate Easter?" click

I'm dreading the complaints next week... Who wants sex toys on Easter anyway? Shouldn't you be eating chocolate or something?

And a prank call came in, right as I was about to take a backup register and sit down to count it while stuffing my face with chocolate.

Me: "Thank you for calling Dildo Shack!"

Adult store 3Caller (teenage girl, as per usual for these): "What do you guys, like, have there?"

At this point I give it 75% odds of a prank call (we're very well known in the area), and my feet hurt, so I'm really over it already.

Me: "Well, we sell lingerie, adult toys, movies, condoms, and so on."

Caller: "What kind of toys?"

Yep, definitely a prank call. Oh perfect, there's someone who needs to be rung up and my coworker is on a 10.

Me: "Well vibrating, nonvibrating, all different kinds. We're open until midnight if you want to come check them out!"

Caller: "Are they useful?"

Me: "Sure?"

Caller: "You don't sound like you know."

Me: "Well, they're for fun. They don't do your dishes or anything, so it kind of depends on your definition of useful." (Thinking: will you either say something ridiculously inappropriate or giggle and hang up already?)

Caller: "Can you try them in the store?"

Me: "Well we can take them out of the box so you can feel them in your hands, but no, if you want to try them you need to buy them and take it home." (Will the giggling start now? PLEASE?)

Caller: "But I want to try them. Why can't I try them?"

Me: "Well that would be unsanitary."

Caller: "But I'm clean!" (my actual customers look confused and impatient)

Me: "Well I have a few customers in the store I need to take care of, if you want we're open till midnight so come in and check them out!"

Caller: "That's not very good customer service." (you're not a customer...)

Me: "Is there anything else I can help you with?"


Me: "Well just so you know we prosecute harassing phone calls, have a good night." click

She called back and hung up immediately when my male coworker answered. Too bad, too, he scares the CRAP out of prank callers.



Dumbass Customers: I Don't Care About Flying Bullets! I Want To Shop!



From Patches67, AskReddit:

I was a manager in a porn store that had apartments above us in our complex. I heard and argument upstairs and then a bullet came through the ceiling. (I never found out where the bullet wound up, the police recovered it.) I called the police and 911 told me the police where already called and they arrived before I even put down the phone. An officer in full SWAT gear came in and told me there was an armed hostage situation upstairs and said we had to evacuate. Shit, you don’t have to tell me twice. I was gone.

But here’s the fucked up part.

I had three customers in that store who all stood their ground and refused to leave until they got their pornography.


Their response? "Fuck you, fuck the bullet, fuck the cop’s orders. We aren’t going anywhere without our porn."

One of them had not even made up his mind yet, he said, “I’m going to need another ten or fifteen minutes and then I’ll be ready to leave.”

I just turned to the cop and told them, "Feel free to arrest these guys, I’m leaving and locking the store down."

The manager said he got calls from those customers complaining I wouldn’t let them rent their porn before leaving the store. Not that he took their complaints seriously. Not with bullet holes in his ceiling.

Anyhow it turns out there was an apartment upstairs being used as a whorehouse. A Madame, who was working independently, was being shaken down by some gangsters who just decided she was going to work for them and hand over her profits. That was messed up. And I never knew it was there because if I ever heard anyone screwing I would just assume someone left one of the TV’s on.

I’ll tell you what bothered me for months afterwards was I kept checking the shelves that were underneath that bullet hole wondering what the hell did that bullet hit? I know I heard bits of something bouncing around the store. All I ever found were pieces of plaster from the ceiling.






Nasty Ass Thieves: Busted Over Two Small Toys


02 Nasty Assk Thives

From mstarrbranniganTalesFromRetail

I used to work night shift in an adult store. It was a fun job for awhile, but I got tired of it. One of the reasons was because I got tired of dealing with shoplifters. But every now and then, we'd win a fight against them. This is one of those times.

We acted as our own loss prevention, though we had a security company we could call if we need backup. One night after I sold a couple some things they set off the security gate. I called them back, saying I must have missed a security tag.

The girl had the bag and stepped through just before the guy, but he quickly followed and the gate again went off. It was obvious immediately that I had not missed a security tag, but I didn't let on. I asked for their bag back and set it behind the counter then I asked for their IDs, citing protocol.

Once their IDs were tucked into my back pocket I told them to empty their pockets. The guy will be UT for unlucky thief, I'll be MSB, his girlfriend will be GF.

GF- I thought you said it was the bag?

MSB- I thought it was, but it didn't set the gate off. Pockets, on the counter.

UT- Look, there's a mistake...

Carolanne 035fNow, I've never considered myself intimidating, though there was the time I was mistaken for a bouncer, (My appearance: 5'5" overweight, tattooed, butch lesbian. If I wear the right clothes, I look more stocky and less fat.) but somehow I was really good at getting shoplifters to cooperate. And make them cry, but those are stories for a different day.

MSB- Don't play, just empty your pockets. I have work to do, let's get this over with, come on.

UT- Can you check the bag? I'm sure it's just something in the bag.

I grab the bag, set it on the scanner and nothing.

MSB- There, stop stalling. Pockets, I don't have time for this. Talk to me, or talk to the police. Need I remind you that I have your IDs?

The girl starts emptying her pockets onto the counter, but I don't pay much attention to her because she hadn't set the gate off and seems more flustered and less defiant about the situation than her boyfriend. I'm trying to get a read on her. Did she know he pocketed something? If so, did she tell him not to and he didn't listen? The store was fairly busy, and I'm loud so our discussion was attracting some attention.

The boyfriend starts emptying his pockets too, but I can see an item in his pocket that he is deliberately avoiding. I point.

MSB- Turn it inside out.

His face goes red and he pulls a small toy out of his pocket. It's a small like $10 thing.

UT- This isn't what it looks like. I bought one a week ago and it didn't work.


MSB- You have 10 days after making a purchase to exchange defective merchandise with your receipt. That's no excuse.

I copy down his information from his and his gf's IDs and take their picture and tell them they're banned from the store for life (we don't mess around, you don't get a second chance.)

RHSEPT 267MSB- You can keep the toy, if you want to pay for it.

UT- Yeah, I'll pay for it.

As I'm looking at the toy to write it down on my incident report, I notice for the first time that someone messed up; the toy didn't have a security tag on it. Dude had something else.

MSB- Did you want to pay for the other stuff as well?

UT- I don't-

MSB- Don't waste any more of my time. What else do you have?

He groans and pulls another small $10 toy out of another pocket. It was fairly flat, so it blended in when I was looking him over. It was not something that had batteries or a motor, so his previous excuse wasn't about to fly.

MSB- Buy a defective one of these too?

They were really embarrassed, and it turned out the guy couldn't afford both so his girlfriend paid and apologized repeatedly. I apologized that she was banned from the store, and told her that she could speak to a manager and if she didn't appear to be an accomplice on the tapes, we'd remove her from the Wall of Shame.

I escorted them out of the store, still holding their IDs and merchandise in case the guy set the gate off again, I'd have leverage. As we got outside, one of our security officers pulled up in his cruiser for a walk through.

I sent the shoplifter on his way and the security officer approached me. I filled him in on the situation and we both laughed. It was a running joke that they always arrived immediately after something had happened whether we called them or not.

Neither of them either came back, and both of their pictures were still on the wall of shame when I quit.



Scams and Scammers: We Don't Do Returns On Personal Items


04 ScammersFrom sensual_sloths, TalesFromRetail

So, I work in an adult boutique! Due to the nature of the products, we do NOT do any returns on personal items; like dildos/massagers/etc. (As far as I know, no stores in our state do. If they do, it's very quiet and under the table.)

We do, however, offer to open up the products and battery/charge test it, or take lingerie out of the box to check for imperfections in the material. Most people are super cool about this, usually. We say it verbally, we have a sign, it is written on all the receipts. Sometimes, however, we get That One Special Snowflake who damage products intentionally to try to scam money from our tills, or who think we'll make an exception just for them.

Enter IL, for Irate Lady.

IL: Hi, I need to make a return.

Me: Okay! I'll take a look at it. Depending on what it is, I might not be able to return it, but we'll get it squared away.

IL: Oh, you'll return it. I am NOT happy.

Me: ....Okay, I'll take a look at it! retail plastic smile

IL reaches into her bag, and pulls out a dildo with a very noticeable incision/scissor mark in it. Now, I was present the day it got sold. I watched one of the supervisors pull it out of the package at IL's request, examine it for any defects and let IL feel the texture, and put it back in before cashing her out. They even examined it a second time with my manager present at her request. It's clear this is a self-done job at this point.

Carolanne cover mouthMe: So, this is a personal product; and by law and store policy, I can't take it back due to health and safety reasons. But what works is emailing or calling the actual company, Bones, who makes it, and have them replace it! it has a --

IL: Don't play dumb with me. She said I could get my money back. (points at the girl who rang her up) And I want my money back like she promised.

Me: Miss, I'm sorry, but she said you could exchange it with the Bones company itself via the warranty.

IL: So what are you doing for me? I don't understand your jibberish. I have spent a LOT of money here, and am probably your best customer. I don't want to send it back to China and have it take a year to get back to me because of how slow the Chinese are at fixing things. (????????)

Me: Oh, Bones company is actually USA based! Again, unfortunately our store doesn't handle returns. The manufacturing company, however, WILL actually replace it; I've had two replaced by them due to error in making. It's a really easy and fast, if not cheap, process. Had both of them within the week!

IL: You fucking are a useless employee and you've lost my business. I will never shop here again. I hope you get fired, you worthless bitch. I'll show you to my lawyer and make sure you're out of a job.

IL then SLAMS the dildo down on the counter and storms off. I just blink after her, shrug with my coworker, and throw away her left behind toy.