The Doofus of the Unspecified Time Period: The Shrieking, Swearing Tantrum

 

TechTyger had a website (known as The Doofus of the Unspecified Time Period) where he posted stories from Call Center Hell. At our encouragement, he's submitting his stories for RHU's enjoyment!

TECHTYGERFrom: TechTyger

A rather amusing loser this time around. Yet Another financial idiot [It frightens me that these people are allowed to have computers, let alone handle other people's money...] who after having to be asked for her problem number four times, instantly starts in that the firewall is down. Most of these people wouldn't know a down computer if it barked in their faces, so I try to do some problem determination. She completely refuses to listen to me at all, insisting that it's not her software, it's the firewall and why am I wasting her time? After several tries, I finally gave up and transferred her to Ted, her internal.

Ted asked what I'd done, and I explained; he asked why I was transferring her and I told him, "Because I don't have the authority to tell her to go to hell."He laughed and took the call.

Five minutes later, he calls back; she cussed and bitched at him then hung up before he could do anything at all. He then did the second nicest thing I've had anyone do in this job so far; he apologized to me for having to put up with her abuse.

She calls in later and another tech gets her. She screeches and bitches at him that she's got to have this done in three hours and she's only got an hour to do it [Yeah, I know. It didn't make any sense to us, either.] and she wants it fixed now! Unable to do anything with her, much like I was, he transfers her to Ted again.

Jeff mutes his mike and stays on, wanting to hear what's going to happen. I keep hearing him laughing and going 'Oh man!', so finally this tiger's curiosity gets the better of him, I find a spare gazinta and plug into his phone to listen. She's on a cheap-ass speakerphone and sounds like she's got her foot caught in an echo canyon. [Or it might just be the echoing in her ego.] Ted is trying to get her to shut the computer down as I plug in. A moment of 'silence', where it sounds like she's smashing her place up with a hammer, and he asks "Is it shutting down?"

"It's booting back up."

[sigh] "Ok, what's it doing?" [Long pause]

Custy phone 3"Hello?"

"What? I'm doing what you told me to!"

This lack of communication goes on for about 10 minutes, interrupted constantly by screeching about how much she has to do and how much time she has to do it in and how utterly important a monkey she is and how she hates to have to fuck around with this and cussing at him and [Insert sound of World's Smallest Violin playing 'My Heart Pumps Purple Piss For You']

Finally, Ted has Had Enough. He cuts off another blast of invective and tells her that he can no longer try to help her, because she doesn't seem to want to be helped; he's working on the weekend on his own time to help with emergencies and this is just wasting his time; and "...I don't care what level you're at, I'm going to report your conduct to Human Resources."

She starts yelling again and he says "Goodbye" loudly and hangs up. The other tech and I are laughing so hard that we almost miss hanging up, leaving us connected to her.

Ted, for apologizing to me, I'd like to thank you; and for telling her to shut the hell up and reporting her to the HR people for being abusive I'd like to salute you. That's honestly one of the nicest things that's happened in this job. Thank you.

--TechTyger

 


The Doofus of the Unspecified Time Period: Turn It On? Okay, I Turned It Off. Now What?

 

TechTyger had a website (known as The Doofus of the Unspecified Time Period) where he posted stories from Call Center Hell. At our encouragement, he's submitting his stories for RHU's enjoyment!

TECHTYGERFrom: TechTyger

One of our customers uses a Sharp handheld computer to take signatures from the doctors they deliver drug samples to. When they get home, they 'transmit', which connects the Sharp to the laptop, dials into the company mainframe and transfers the data.

One of the most common problems is that MS Activesync doesn't, for whatever reason, want to connect to the Sharp. Generally it can be done fairly easily manually.

I knew this one was a winner before I had to talk to it, because I heard the call entry rep repeat himself like three times while trying to identify himself and obviously being interrupted.

TechTyger: "Ok, on the top left corner of the Sharp's keyboard, next to the escape key is a little round hole that says 'reset'."

Customer: "Where?"

TechTyger: "On the top left corner of the Sharp's keyboard."

Customer: "I don't see it. Is it next to where it says 'Compaq'?"

TechTyger: "No, on the Sharp's keyboard."

Customer: "The what?"

TechTyger: [sigh] "The Sharp."

Customer: "Oh. Ok, I found it. Does the Sharp need to be on?"

TechTyger: "To do anything at all on the Sharp, it needs to be turned on."

Carolanne argh 3Customer: "Ok, It's off. Nothing happened."

TechTyger: "Do you have the Sharp turned on?"

Customer: "No, you said to turn it off."

TechTyger: [growls] "No. Sir, I said to do anything on the Sharp, it has to be turned ON."

Customer: "Oh. Well, it's on the docking station now, and it turned itself on. Should I turn it off?"

TechTyger: "No. Sir. It needs to be turned on to do anything on the Sharp."

Customer: "Ok, I turned it off."

Finally managed to get it to leave the stupid thing on long enough for it to manage to connect, then hung up on him before he did something else stupid and I'd have to continue to talk to him.

--TechTyger

 


Call Center Hell: Brain Shortage

 

TechTyger had a website (known as The Doofus of the Unspecified Time Period) where he posted stories from Call Center Hell. At our encouragement, he's submitting his stories for RHU's enjoyment! No worries, we'll keep posting them, even after the month for Call Center Hell ends. :)

Call center skull 1From: TechTyger

Me: "Hi, this is TechTyger, can I have your problem number please?"

Customer: "Jeff?"

Me: "No, this is TechTyger, can I have your problem number please?"

Customer: "Jeff?"

Me: "No. This is TechTyger. Can I Have Your Problem Number Please."

Customer: "Jeff?"

Me: [sigh] "No, sir, my name is TechTyger. What is your problem number?"

Customer: "Oh." [finally gives it. Surprisingly, it's not his phone number. It turns out I'd talked to him about half an hour ago.]

Me: "I'm having the same problem."

[The problem I talked to him on, the problem number he gave me, was a hardware problem and I'd escalated him to have something replaced.]

Me: "You have to wait until the new cable comes."

Customer: "What?"

Me: "You have to wait until the new cable comes."

Customer: "What cable?"

Me: "The cable I ordered for you."

Customer: "Oh. I was talking to Jeff earlier [No shit.] and I had another problem."

[Then why didn't you give me that problem number? I get the other tech to open the call he'd spun off the first one. Turns out this mook has a major problem with names; he spent most of that call calling Jeff 'Jim'. The problem is one that is either fixed by rebooting the system, or if that doesn't work, he needs to have a programmer dial into his system and fix something. I start to tell him to reboot, and he says that Jeff already had him do that. Good, now I don't have to talk to you anymore.]

Me: "You're going to have to call ETM in the morning."

Customer: "Oh. Ok. Thanks, Jeff."

My real name doesn't sound anything like 'Jeff'. It's two syllables and begins with an entirely different letter. And in the face of repeated correction he still calls me 'Jeff'. And when he actually was talking to Jeff, he couldn't remember that, he kept calling him 'Jim'.

Me: 'User has dead short in BKA.'

--TechTyger

 


Call Center Hell: "I'm Not Past Due! I'm A Church Going Rich Woman!"

 

Religious Freak Encounters 1From: EctoWolf

I want to give you a sample of something but first, a known fact about me, the EctoWolf. When someone claims to be a good person based solely on the fact that they quote "are a church going person", I cringe. I cringe hard and avoid that person like the plague.

It’s often because the same people who make a big show about how religious and church going they are, end up being the most awful horrid people to ever draw a breath. This wonderful example is almost verbatim of one of my calls tonight. This thunder-bitch-asaurus rex made sure I knew right off the bat that she was a "church going woman", a "woman of means" and an employed with a "Fortune 500 company"....essentially, a rich snobby Bible beating curr-biscuit. In fact, she will be known as CB from here out.

She was so bad, I looked her up on Facebook, to see the face of this beast in human skin. And yup, she was just as pretentious, rude and stuck up looking as she acted with me. Below is the sample and again, this sample is from the END of the call. Imagine this for 45 minutes straight, from the opening of the call to the closing. It doesn’t help that I work from home. I have my own office. This felt like a violation of my private territory.

CB: "I DO NOT HAVE A PAST DUE! YOU CANNOT HAVE A PAST DUE WITH MICROSOFT XBOX! IT IS A LUXURY, STUPID."

EW: "So, I just want to make sure I understand. You said to me just a moment ago, that you are the one who added the card to the account, purchased the time and that you used the time, all the way up until the bill date, which was in March, and you did receive our notices and emails about the account being past due--"

CB: "STOP SAYING THAT, ITS NOT PAST DUE. IT CAN'T BE PAST DUE."

Jason bored 1EW: "...and you did not respond to the emails nor did you call us or take action on the account?"

CB: "MICROSOFT DOES NOT TELL ME WHEN TO PAY MY BILLS. I CHOOSE WHEN TO PAY MY BILLS. XBOX IS NOT RENT, OR ELECTRICITY. IT IS A LUXURY. I CHOOSE WHEN TO PAY IT, OR IF I WANT IT, YOU DONT TELL ME WHEN TO PAY."

EW: "...but you used the service for the entire time?"

CB: "YES!"

EW: "....you knew the account was past due when you spoke with the last agent who told you--"

CB: "STOP SAYING PAST DUE. I WORK FOR A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY. I AM A SMART WOMAN. I AM NOT SOME INBRED HILLBILLY REDNECK. I MANAGE MY OWN FINANCES. I AM NOT PAST DUE. JUST BECAUSE I OWE YOU A BILL AND USED YOUR SERVICE AND DID NOT PAY YOU WHEN YOU WANTED TO BE PAID, IT DOES NOT MEAN I AM PAST DUE."

EW: "....the bill was due in March. On the 8th. It is past due by almost two months."

CB: "I AM A CHURCH GOING WOMAN. YOU ARE MAKING ME SCREAM IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN! I WAS AT PEACE AT CHURCH, AND HERE YOU GO, MAKING ME UPSET!! STOP SAYING ITS PAST DUE. ITS NOT. I SIMPLY CHOSE TO NOT PAY IT NOW TURN MY SERVICE BACK ON AND PROCESS MY PREPAID CARD!!!"

EW: "....I cannot redeem your pre-paid time until the account is brought current--

CB: "ITS NOT PAST DUE, MORON! EVERY TIME I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MICROSOFT, ITS THE SAME DEAL, THE SAME THING, IDIOTS. I'M A CHURCH GOING WOMAN AND YOU ALL, YOU AND THE COMPANY JUST MAKE MY HEART GO SO FAST!"

EW: "M'am, I'm trying to help you. I cannot and will not help you if we cannot conduct business in a civilized manner. I will disconnect this call."

CB: "OH YOU WILL, WILL YOU? WELL, SOME CUSTOMER SERVICE THIS IS. FIRST, YOU TELL ME I'M PAST DUE. THAT'S A LIE. NOW THIS STUPID CRAP!!"

EW: "I understand your frustration but I do not have to take this from you. I am perfectly willing to help you past the past due--"

Carolanne axeCB: "ITS NOT PAST DU--"

EW: "...the past due balance, and then we can redeem your card. You cannot use a prepaid card while an account is turned off for going now towards three months of non payment. I'm not escalating you to a supervisor. They've been reviewing the account with me and I've already appraised them of the situation and that the last rep you spoke to told you the same thing. You can pay the past due balance or the service will simply be suspended until the account writes off into a collection agency. Now, can we proceed or do you have any further issues I can help you with today before we disconnect?"

(shocked heavy breathing, followed by gasping protests like someone had just insulted her mother)

CB: "Fine. I just want this over with. Here's my card number..."

...and she paid her bill. 45 minutes later. After 45 minutes of what you see above repeated over and over and over, belittling me and acting as if because she was wealthy (she claimed she was) and a church going (boy she played that card over and over) woman and how she worked for a Fortune 500 company (yup, at least three times), she surrendered and paid her fucking bill.

I was so angry at her, I immediately took my lunch and clocked out. This was so much fun, about as much fun as the repeat refund shopper looking to get refunded on his FIFA point that I busted an hour into closing (and stayed over 45 more minutes with after the call queue closed) and proved he made the charges by showing him his own IP address after he told me he had set up a passkey (which prevents purchases without being entered first) on the console) as the only sign’s on his account ever.

EctoWolf is one tired, mentally exhausted pup, y’all.

 


Call Center Hell: Blind And Deaf

 

TechTyger had a website (known as The Doofus of the Unspecified Time Period) where he posted stories from Call Center Hell. At our encouragement, he's submitting his stories for RHU's enjoyment! No worries, we'll keep posting them, even after the month for Call Center Hell ends. :)

Call center 2From: TechTyger

 This one is apparently blind and deaf. Trying to delete temporary files, I say "Type C, colon, backslash-the-one-over-the-enter-key, shift-and-the-key-to-the-left-of-the-number-one-one-time--"

"It went all the way across. Was it supposed to do that?"

"No, you were only supposed to hit that once."

"Ok, I deleted everything. Now what?"

[Mute, sigh, unmute, repeat above.] User does, and hits 'find now', then gets a message saying 'Filename is not acceptable'. User calls over daughter to read message as user is not wearing glasses. Filename is 'C;...'. Advised user to use colon, not semicolon. User finally gets it typed in. Told user to hit 'Find Now' button on Find window.

"Where is that?"

"On the right side of the find window."

"I don't see it."

"There are three buttons on the right side of the find window..."

"I don't have a button on the keyboard--"

"On the window, not on the keyboard."

Carolanne argh 1"Oh, you didn't say that."

[growls softly]

Later...

"Ok, on the bottom left corner of the find window it should say 'a number' of files found."

"Yes, it says ~65RTS.TMP."

"No, on the bottom left of the window there should be a number and the words 'of files found'."

"Yes, it says ~65R--"

[interrupting]"No, on the [speaking slowly and distinctly] Bottom. Left. Corner. Of. The. Find. Window. There should be a number, like one, or twenty-five, and the words Files. Found."

"Oh, you mean here where it says '32 files found'?"

"YES."

The rest of the call is mercifully short.

--TechTyger

 


Call Center Hell: "I'm The Customer!"

 

TechTyger had a website (known as The Doofus of the Unspecified Time Period) where he posted stories from Call Center Hell. At our encouragement, he's submitting his stories for RHU's enjoyment! No worries, we'll keep posting them, even after the month for Call Center Hell ends. :)

Call center 1From: TechTyger

THIS asshole is pissy because it had to call back to get the answer for its problem when the original tech didn't know how to fix it and had to research the problem. The problem was that Word had yiffed up a template that someone had sent him. We tried for two days to get hold of this monkey, its number was busy and its voice mail was not working. Someone finally got through and left a message to call us for the answer.

Now I'm lucky enough to get it. It's complaining because whoever left the message did not leave the answer. It complained about the service and that it always had to call in four or five times to get its pathetic little life back on track. I checked the back records and this asshole has called in 14 times since January 1st, and every single one was answered in one call. Once he started off by bitching at the call entry rep [not technicians, they just route the call to the appropriate section] enough that the call entry person put it in the record.

I don't know why the person who left the message didn't leave the fix ["It's pooched. Get someone to send it to you again."] in the message, but I had nothing to do with the call at all, and it spent 15 minutes pissing and moaning at me about how bad our service is. After it asked for a manager.

At the time, it was slightly after 5pm. All of the managers had left already, and were likely stuck in traffic halfway across a notoriously bad bridge. Thus I could not give it a specific time that the manager would call back, but it would be as soon as possible. It begins badgering me for a specific time, saying that 'I am the CUSTOMER'. Yeah, I know that. I only talk to customers. And in tech support, customers are not always, or even usually, right. I can't teleport the manager to the phone, I have no control over his movements at all.

'So what am I supposed to do, just sit here and wait for a call?'

You really don't want me to tell you what I think you should do at this point. Since I've answered this question several times already, I just type my record.

'You just want me to go away so you can type, is that right? I'm the CUSTOMER!!'

And I'm the one who gets the pleasure of your company. Should I be impressed? You were given the answer, and you're still giving me shit. And the faster you shut up and get off the phone, the sooner the manager will be able to call you.

I continue typing the record, giving it the same answer every time it asks the same question, and finally it gives up and hangs up.

The manager called the lUser back, and gave it exactly the same answer I did, reading it from the record just like I did, and after a bit of bitchy about having to call in so many times [twice], it was happy. Doofus.

--TechTyger