Christmas Carol Carnage

 

Xmas2009 041x

 From Tenebris

 

Sung to the tune of It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
 
 
 
It's beginning to look a lot like Fuck This
Everywhere you go
Take a look in my hopeless eyes as my soul slowly dies, listening to Jingle Bell Rock a thousand times once again
 
It's beginning to look a lot like Fuck This
Spawn in every store
But the prettiest sight to see, is the dead bolt that will be
On your own front door
 
A manager with a spine, and a taser for the line is the wish of Barney and Ben
A customer that can read and is doing what he's told is the hope of Janice and Jen
And mom and dad won't control their kids
 
It's beginning to look a lot like Fuck This
Everywhere you go
There's a mess on the changing room floor, and a fight down aisle ten
As the parents kick and scream and bite
 
It's beginning to look a lot like Fuck This
Soon the sales will start
And the thing that will make you break, is the custys that will yell right within your store
 
It's beginning to look a lot like Fuck This
Soon the hell will start
And the thing that will make you yell, is the carols straight from hell, right within your store
It's beginning to look a lot like Fuck This, Fuck This, Fuck This, Fuck This
 
 
 

--Tenebris

 

discover more Christmas Carol Carnage here

checkout the horrors of Holiday Hell here

 

 

 


Christmas Carol Carnage: There's Something Stuck Up In The Chimney

  

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all night long.
Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night
But he never came and it don't seem right.
And there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't make a sound,
But I wish you a Merry Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all week long.
Well, the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue
And we don't know what we're gonna do.
Cause there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't move around,
And it's been a week since Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all month long.
Well, it's jammed up tight above the fireplace
Now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace.
That there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't talk at all,
And it's been there since last Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all year long.
I'll be waiting up for Santa like I did last year
But my brother says, "He's already here."
And he's stuck up in the chimney
And he doesn't say a word
And he'll be there every Christmas.
And we'll have him every Christmas.

 


RHU's Top Three "What The Fuck Is Wrong With You" Christmas Songs Of 2016

 

RHU is a hub of dark humor, and even darker fantasies. We don't raise an eyebrow when a fellow RHUer contemplates horrible fates meted out upon the heads of Crustys. We smile and commiserate. We applaud. We even offer suggestions to improve the dark fantasy that our fellow RHUers have concocted.

But sometimes there's a line. Sometimes we encounter something that goes too far. Today we're taking a look at "Christmas Songs" that are just a little too far into 'What the fuck is wrong with you?!'

 

3. Don't Shoot Me Santa (The Killers)

In this one, you hear about a supposed kid who shoots other kids because they teased him and asks Santa for forgiveness… but Santa has his own revenge in mind and readies a bullet for the young boy.

But watching the video, the "kids" are all adults. As the clearly disturbed singer says how he did "every little thing you told me to" listeners get the uncomfortable feeling that the singer is hearing voices, and the voices have decided to dispose of him. We're pretty sure this isn't Santa talking to you, buddy.

This song, if it were meant to be played for laughs, has failed. The group plays the song straight, and feels like a disturbing touch into the mind of someone who is actually and legitimately criminally insane. Not very christmassy, and not at all fun to listen to.

 

2. The Christmas Song by Adam Sandler

Well it's by Adam Sandler, which makes this song a failure right from the get-go. Maybe some people can "get" his humor and perhaps enjoy this steaming pile of bad behavior, but I just can't stand this asshole.

This song talks about how he tried to down his sister, set the pizza guy's hair on fire, sent a death threat the the vice president and toward the end, gave the implication that he had sex with a billy goat... you know... Christmassy! 

 

1. Santa Claus Has Got The Aids by Tiny Tim

............. Seriously? Just what was Tiny Tim thinking when he decided to put this song out? First he makes light of the AIDS epidemic and then he brings Santa Claus into it! Aside from feeding the stereotype of homosexuality linked with getting a fatal autoimmune disease, the song goes on to say that all the reindeer "know what he's going through."

Okay so Santa is gay, has Aids..... and apparently gave it to all his reindeer, so let's just throw in bestiality on Santa's lap now, shall we? As the song goes along, it demonstrates a lack of actual knowledge, claiming that Santa will totally get better, it's just like a cold or getting the Clap.

Or maybe Santa's just magical enough to be able to cure himself of the disease. I dunno. This song just seems like the ultimate 'What the fuck is wrong with you" song.

 


RHU's Most Loathed Christmas Songs of 2016

 

C31As time draws ever nearer to the blessed Christmas Day, we here at RHU choose to celebrate a slightly different sort of holiday. You see, when Christmas Day comes along, it's not about presents, or family, or even freedom from crustys that truly makes this day great... it's the day when all the Christmas songs are finally silenced for another year!

Cheers!

Well, of course the celebration wouldn't be complete without a disrespectful razz toward the songs we loathe the most this holiday season. Of all the songs we've heard over and over and over and OVER again, there are some that just make us want to claw our ears off in disgust.

Whether it's overplayed, written to be the most UN-Christmas-like song ever, or simply sung by someone whose voice resembles the screeching of a hell cat's claws on the world's biggest chalkboard, the die have been cast and this year's list of Most Loathed Christmas Songs have risen from of the bowels of Retail Hell.

Join us as we mark our sacrifices and consign them to the fires!

Wonderful10. Wonderful Christmastime

This song came skidding in last, and there's just no getting around it; this song is awful.

Paul McCartney’s career since the Beatles has been mixed at best. “Wonderful Christmas Time” is not an example of him at his best, but a horrible garbage pile that could have used more LSD. In the end, the only thing you'll ever remember about this song is, “simply having a wonderful Christmastime,” and it's repeated over and over.

Hey, Paul, there’s no such word as Christmastime. It’s two words. For example, I wouldn’t say “this songsucks,” I’d say “this song sucks,” with a space!

It doesn't help that the rest of the song is oversaturated with incessantly repetitive synthesizer noises, piss poor lyrics to a cheap rhythm or simply the fact that it doesn't mention any actual christmas joys. Your $5 synthesizer would be put to better use if you chucked it down the Mount Fancy stairwell!

The entirety of the song actually avoids anything joyful, just an insistence that it's a Wonderful Christmastime amid... a vague mention of a party, moonlight, drinking, and kids going 'Ding dong" over and over.

...Sure. That's very christmassy... [gag]

 

Grandma9. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Beating out #10 by a single vote is another classically loathed Christmas song full of dark humor. Admittedly the song itself isn't bad; everyone at RHU can appreciate an irreverent snarky song that pokes fun at the holiday symbols, especially since we've seen this crap in the back room since last July.

The problem comes from it being ridiculously overplayed. One RHUer by the name of Goober shares a story that sums it up all too well:

When "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" was new, there were three country stations here in the LA area. All three played it a few times, and it was cute. The next year, all three played it a few more times, and it was a hell of a lot less cute. The next year, they played the hell out of it, and it was annoying.

The following year, one of the DJs on one particular station (who had a condition of probation that said he couldn't do April Fool's jokes on the air any more - really) objected to station management that people were tired of it.

He was told he *would* play this song xxx number of times (well over 100) between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So he went on the air, explained the situation, and said, "I have to play this song xxx number of times before Christmas, so I'm going to play it that many times _in a row_, and we'll be done with it."

Needless to say, he wasn't very far into it when they fired him on the air.

And the phones lit up with hate and vitriol. "I never want to hear that *damn* song again!" "I was going to only listen to your station once this was done, because that *damn* song wouldn't be there, but not I'm *never* going to listen to it again!" And so on.

They had to hire him back on the air a few hours later to get their phones back, and didn't play the song *at all* the rest of the year. Their ratings were unusually high for the season, and the next year, I heard the song maybe twice on each station, and that was that.

I don't think there's a song, Christmas or otherwise, that I hate more than "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."

--Goober

 Teeth8. All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

The hell cats are loose and there's nothing but chalkboards as far as the eye can see. In this.... attempt? ... at being adorably charming, our young vocalist provides a lithping thonnet about the loth of teef and her inability to pronounth important things like "Sister Suzy sitting on a thistle."

Um, because Sister Suzie does this a lot, apparently? No really, we get that it's difficult to speak when you're missing teeth, but this is an oddly specific line that seems to be a subtle warning that something's seriously wrong with Suzie if she heads straight for a thorny plant every time she wants to plant her posterior.

Voted in for being loathed and a wearying, repetitive refrain makes RHUers cringe whenever the first strains of this song starts to filter over the... thpeakerth in the thtore. Thbbbt!

But beyond that, this is a song that is typically sung by a child who really needs a few more years of professional training before she opens her howling screamer.

  

Mariah7. All I Want For Christmas Is You

We're climbing toward the top, and songs have gone from annoying, to overplayed, to ridiculous. We've now reached a song with actual hatred behind the votes, as every RHUer who voted this song into rank say the same thing: Mariah Carey's voice slaughters any and all romantic holiday longing.

This song spends too much time singing(?) somewhere between disturbingly cheerful and a high pitched, howling whine of complaint, about someone who isn't around this particular holiday. Not that this is some lost loved one that she is grieving for, but more implied that it's just some random guy and they're merely temporarily apart... this person is missing a single holiday, and Mariah is just so sad that she's not getting boned, that nothing else about Christmas is important.

We get the feeling that this is more a hormonal complaint that rather trivializes people who have truly lost a loved one. Sorry honey, but the rest of us worry less about being there for a specific day of the year and prefer to be grateful for the other 364 days when we have our loved ones around.

That one specific day is just like any other when you live in the real world. And in retail it's even more pronounced. Also, you're rich. Hop into a damn airplane and fly to him if you want to see him so damn badly. The rest of us don't have that option, so quit sniveling about it to the rest of us.

 

Mommy6. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

This song might be perceived as being modern, because we rarely hear the original version: it’s from 1953! Jimmy Boyd’s child voice sings earnestly and clearly in a southern twang, “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, underneath the mistletoe last night. She didn’t see me creep down the stairs to have a peek!”

Hey kid, first of all, bedtime is a thing you really need to learn. Second of all, you creeping around the house to peek in on things sounds kind of routine for you. What else have you "peeked" upon?

Seriously, this song is messed up. Not only is the tune obnoxious, but think about the message of the song. This kid thinks that his mother is cheating on his father by making out with Santa. There seems to be a bit too much glee emphasizing telling daddy about mommy's philandering ways.

“I’m Tellin’! I’m tellin’!”

Little creep…. 

But mommy didn’t stop there. No, mommy was enjoying herself and really going for the gusto with the jolly old elf. In addition to kissing him (remember she is painted as the aggressor in the scenario), she also “tickled him” under his beard. Yeah… tickle. That’s what you saw. Just an innocent game of “tickle.” Totally.

The song might have been meant as giggle worthy funny, but upon execution, it just doesn't seem to fly. And no, that can't actually be Daddy in that suit. That's crazy talk.

 

I-want-a-hippopotamus-for-christmas-gnhbto4r5. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

For some reason, this song is more popular than it should be, even sixty some odd years after Gayla Peevey recorded it. 

The singer is pretending to whine about all her wants and needs in a grating voice that penetrates to the very center of the brain, resulting in insanity. The trumpets, Who-horns, or whatever you want to call those noisemakers blaring nonstop throughout the song certainly don’t help its cause either. And then the subject matter; yes let's give the kid a highly dangerous and territorial ungulate that weighs a few tons because it totally won't destroy everything and everyone you've ever loved.

Besides just being a dumb song about an oh-so-precious kid singing about wanting some crazy gift, there’s really nothing about this song that says Christmas to us at all. You could easily change it to “I Want a Hippopotamus for My Birthday” and no one would even notice.

And, by the way... listening to children sing isn’t nearly as cute as people like to keep pretending. It's not very charming to listen to a child who is still learning their ABC's try to sing at a professional level.

 

Christmas4. Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart

This Wham! hit annoys the piss out of us cause it's basically about a guy who can't get over a lover who treated him badly. He's like "Last year I gave you my heart, you dumped me, and a whole year later, I am still not over it and completely obsessed with you." 

If you give someone your heart one Christmas and you’re still moaning about it a Christmas later, you’re probably in need of a restraining order. That is, you probably should be placed under one.

To the object of his affection—Run! This song is like your ex-boyfriend who finally stopped calling, but still tries to Facebook stalk you when he gets drunk or depressed.

Maybe it was considered a little less creepy when it was penned, before the internet provided us with scary shit to seep into our nightmares, we don't know. But even without the context of internet stalking, this song is still a little too far on the creepy side to be a likeable Christmas song.

 

Santa baby3. Santa Baby

This song is quite hated when sung by almost literally everyone. The dreadful lyrics are milked for all their worth; a buck fifty, if we're being generous and we really would like our dollar forty nine in change back, please.

First of all, while trying to be sexy, most women who sing it come off sounding childish and ridiculous. It’s like watching someone trying to be sexy while wearing clown shoes. While we don't judge your bedroom games, most of us don't find that enjoyable and wish you wouldn't whip it out in front of Grandma and the in-laws.

Secondly, the song is just plain creepy. Isn’t it cute that Santa has a little honey on the side who wants a duplex and for the Jolly Old Elf to write checks? Not really... It brings to mind a dirty old man being serenaded by a teenager which, unless you’re one of the old broads who somehow doesn’t realize how sick you are for loving Twilight, is not remotely what someone should think of when it’s Christmastime.

This song descends further into hell than “All I Want for Christmas is You” because the person in the song wants a whole lot of things besides you. Seriously, there’s a long list and not one item is attainable for anyone who lives on a budget. Platinum mines, jewelry from Tiffany’s, new cars—girl, you're going to be very sad come Christmas morning. You’re thinking lobster when perhaps you should be thinking Burger King. What the hell makes you think you'll get even one of those things, much less all of them?

It’s especially maddening to listen to at work because when we’re busting our ass for minimum wage, the last thing we want to hear (besides the soccer mom who is trashing the clothing table because we ran out of the must-have item of the season three weeks ago) is some bimbo sexing up Santa.

 

Baby2. Baby, It's Cold Outside

Another entry in the "creepy lyrics" category is this song that brings about visions of date rape. A man is convincing a woman that she should stay at his house to cuddle and canoodle, but she really wants to leave. He doesn't think no means no and is basically saying, "I won't lend you a coat so your choice is to stay here and let me paw at you or try to get home and freeze."

By the time she sings, "Say, what's in this drink?" we want to scream, "It's a roofie!" and call the police.

Before you all go running to the Comments section, we’ve done our homework and we know this song is not about rape. And we understand it was originally written in 1944, which if our grandmothers are to be believed was a far more wholesome time before The Simpsons destroyed America.  

But when heard over the store’s speakers without the context of Frank Loesser performing it with his wife to entertain their house guests, any song about a man trying to keep a woman from leaving his house while the woman says “No” a lot, and contains lines like “Baby you’re so delicious” is going to be really uncomfortable to listen to.

 

Dishonorable Mentions

Before he hit RHU's Most Loathed Song of 2016, let's take a poke at some of the runners up (and no fair peeking ahead!):

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year: Repetitive to the EXTREME! This ancient beast is the soundtrack to every supermarket advertisement played in December.

The Christmas Shoes: The lyrics are a sobering slap in the face to anyone who was enjoying the holidays too much. It reminds us what Christmas is really all about: confronting the horrific reality of mortality.... and that Jesus is really into shoes.

Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian Christmas): a twangy, jaunty little tune that just rubs us the wrong way.

Do They Know It's Christmas? First of all, it's completely formless, the lyrics are atrocious, and it just devolves into an ever-repeating chorus. Second of all, don't try to make us feel guilty while piling on the superiority at the same time. "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you " What. The. Fuck.

 

Justin-Bieber-Mistletoe-video1. Mistletoe by Justin Bieber

Yeah, there should be no surprise that a song by the Beebs is our number one pick. New to the Christmas songs pantheon, “Mistletoe” is presumably a attempt to capitalize on the number of young girls who want to get caught under it with him. (Also, Bieber is an avowed Christian, and nothing’s more Godly than sleigh bells and high production values, right?) 

Ladies and Gentlemen this song is really just something to cause your ears to bleed and your Christmas to be ruined whenever this utterly atrocious song is played. It really is something that you will not want to listen to. I myself listened to a total of 27 seconds of the song just to see whether all the hate involved in voting this song down was accurate...

It is.

Fair enough, it was the Biebs' first foray into Christmas tunes, but any Christmas ditty that employs the terms “shawty” and "I'ma" is flat out wrong in our book. The song itself is composed of a flat voice, boring teen pop, and a childish and immature butchering of the English language. There's nothing new to offer and simply confirmed that it's just another bubblegum pop song to fasten the little girl teens a little more firmly onto his... well, you know. 

Couple that with a general overall loathing for Bieber and the atrocious behavior he flaunted for most of his young life, and we doubt that anyone here has much good to say about him as a person, much less about his songs.

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May your grinchy retail hearts be soothed by blasting your favorite music on the way home from work,

Freddy, Jason, Carolanne, Ilia, and the rest of RHU's staff!