Hell Spawn Mother Gets Told

Balls2Another Retail Balls Award! This one goes to The Jail Monkey who confronted the mother of an out of control Hell Spawn while she was shopping:

Well, I'm back, but this time I don't have a story about the weird/strange/disgusting stuff I have to deal with at The Jail. This is actually a story about something I saw and heard today as a customer that just made my jaw drop.

So I had a little time to kill and I go wandering around my local Barnes and Noble. Since I had just gotten off working the night shift, I was still wearing my uniform and gear. I was looking for a specific odd titled book, and actually received EXCELLENT customer service - greeted right away, clerk went above and beyond to find the book, walked me over to the section, etc. So I'm pretty happy with my shopping experience and decide to just.. wander.  I mean, who can't find something they didn't know they needed in Barnes and Noble?

I'm standing in an aisle browsing books and I hear a little kid incessantly whining the next aisle over. Now usually I try to ignore it, but I was tired, I have a cold, and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with it. 

I decide to leave the section I am in so I don't have to listen to this little brat, who is all of about 6 years old. I start walking down the aisle and as I walk in front of the next aisle over, I see the disaster this Hell Spawn has created. 

About 25% of the books in the aisle have been pulled off the shelf and strewn down the aisle, and this poster child for abortion is *kicking* a book down the aisle. 

The sorry excuse for a mother this demon child has is standing reading a book, just ignoring the retail apocolypse her child has created.

So of course I stop and just stare. 

The mother, who had been completely ignoring this kid until she saw me, turns and says:

"Johnny, (or whatever this fucktard's name was), right now you are making VERY bad choices.  I need you to start making good choices instead of bad choices. Don't you think that good choices would be better?"
So of course this kid says "no", and then the mother has the gall to say:

"Well if you don't start making good choices this policewoman here is going to lock you up!"


First of all, how about you CONTROL your child to begin with. Second, put the fear of god into your child when he starts misbehaving in public, and then if that doesn't work - TAKE HIM TO THE CAR!!  And thirdly, just because I have a badge and a gun doesn't mean I am responsible for making sure your child behaves!! It is called being a parent!Chuckspawn

Since I tend to lack a filter between my brain and my tongue, I say the first thing that comes to my mind:

"Lady, I am not responsible for raising your child. I am sure you are accustomed to everyone else taking care of your responsibilities but you need to grow up and actually be a parent to your child and not try to be his damn friend. That kid needed an ass whooping about 4 years ago - you created that monster and now the rest of us have to be punished because of it.  Your little brat isn't cute, he isn't funny, he is a destructive tyrant. But if you don't get that kid in line NOW, here in about 10 years I am sure him and the police are going to get very acquainted. I would start saving up for bail money now."

This lady's jaw just dropped and I walked off.

One of the store's employees happened to be standing nearby and heard everything. She came over, thanked me, and then gave me 20% off my entire order plus a free cup of coffee.

As I was standing in line I see this lady carrying her kid out the front door. I was just in disbelief at this woman. I have my job because I believe in the idea of protect and serve, not to raise your child!

--The Jail Monkey

RHUPD: Nasty Bitch Gets Told At The Golden Arches

CarolawesomeGet ready to offer up a standing ovation slaves! Here's a story from a badass Custy who deserves a freakin medal! Enjoy:

I'm a cop and have been a cop for far too long, ever since I was 18. However, before 18 I worked in retail hell, however this isn't a story about that.

I was recently at a local McDicks behind a woman and he child. The child had a face full of snot so you can imagine how well this encounter was going to be.

After McBitch asked McSnot what he wanted she placed her order. The young slave behind the register was being the normal happy-go-lucky servant you'd expect. After placing the order McBitch goes to pay. But wait, McSnot has changed his mind.

My mom would have told me to shut up and it was too late. McBitch however has the slave change the order....4 different times.

After the money was paid McSnot ran off to play in the playground, surely sharing his snot with the other kids while mom waits on the food. She gets it then that's when shit hits the fan.

Apparently between the 5 different orders McBitch really don't remember what she ordered...only that what she got was wrong.

McBitch begins cussing out this poor slave. I can tell that this is a relatively new slave as she doesn't know how to respond to this verbal assault. Now, I was here with my girlfriend (hey not all the times do you have to take them to fancy restaurants) so I was not in the mood to step in. As sexy as I think I am in uniform I do like to stay off when I'm off.

All this of course until McBitch grabs a tray and throws it across the lobby. At this point I still really don't know what the fuck she is so pissed off about as McDicks manager is trying to fix her problem. However McBitch's vocabulary seemed to be limited to "dumb whore" and "stupid slut".

Well I've had enough. I started feeling bad for the slave and even the manager who was cowarding away. I step in between McBitch and the counter. 6661

Now per our policy I must carry my badge and gun everywhere I go even when off duty. She hasn't seen this yet.

Me: You need to stop.

McBitch: You need to fucking move out of my way before I bust you in the fucking face.

(Seriously...still haven't figured out why she's so mad)

Me: I got a better idea. How about you get your crusty ass out of this store before I put your ass out myself.

(At this point I roll my shirt over my belt so she could see the badge and gun)

McBitch: This dumb bitch can't get an order right and won't give me what I want but you're throwing me out?

Me: Yep (could have probably had a better come back but hey it worked)

She attempted to grab the bag of food sitting on the counter. I snatch it away from her.

Me: Nope you're going to leave that here since apparently it wasn't right.

McBitch: I already paid for that!

Me: No, you apparently paid for something else that they couldn't get right. Now consider that a donation to McDonalds Fund for the trouble you've caused here.

McBitch: Aw hell nah I'm not leaving here without my money or my food!

McManager: Ma'am here's your money.

I block her from getting it.

Me: Listen here, either you go get your kid from that playground and get your smelly ass out of this restaurant or I promise you the fines I will have you paying will make it to where you can't afford the dollar menu here. On top of that this poor girl you've been yelling at won't have to worry about cleaning the floor for awhile because I'm about ready to put your ass on the ground.

I was close enough to her face now that I realized that when I called her smelly it apparently wasn't just an insult.

McBitch gathers McSnot and they drive away in their McBettle.

The manager thanks me and the poor slave, who's visibly shaking at this point, gives me my meal for free.

Guess I do have to thank McBitch for my free meal :/

---McCop, Badge #666


Dumbass Prisoner Encounter

Carolanne2 016a From The Jail Monkey:

While I no longer work in retail, I do work in an industry that requires "customer service". For the last three years, I have worked in the intake portion of the local jail. 

I deal with an extremely wide variety of people on a nightly basis, from people who have forgotten to pay their traffic tickets to your Grade A crack whores, to people accused of murder. While it is a jail, I still have to provide customer service to these people, and if people are cool with me, I'll be cool with them.

I love my job and the variety, but there are definitely things that I have seen that cannot be unseen. There is not enough eye bleach to remove the things that I have had to look at.  Luckily there is quite a lot of humor in my job and that helps a lot, but I had to say something the other night that no person should EVER have to say. 

Here is the transcription of my conversation with a high on crack female inmate I was doing a strip search intake on:

Me: Ok Ms. *****, face me and begin taking your clothing off, starting with your shirt.
Her: Why I gotta do that?
Me: Everyone that is brought into the jail is stripped searched to make sure you have no drugs, money, or weapons hidden on or in your body.
Her:  What if I don't wanna do it?
Me: Well, if you choose not to cooperate, several officers are going to come in here and restrain you while we hog tie you.  From there we are going to take you to the local ER, where you will have x-rays and other tests done to confirm that you have no contraband hidden anywhere on or inside your body, and you will be billed for the costs of that. If they don't find anything you will be brought back to the jail, where an additional charge of Failing to Obey a Lawful Order will be added to the charges you already have.  If they DO find something, a new felony charge of Introduction of Contraband into a Secure Facility will be added.  It's your choice if you want to cooperate or not, but those are the consequences of failing to comply.
Her: Fine, I'll do it.Carolanne2 094s
Me:  Do you have something on you that I need to know about?  If you are honest with me before the strip you will only be charged with the possession, but if you lie and I find it after the search, you will be charged with bringing it in.
Her: No, I ain't got nothin'.
Me: Ok, then begin by facing me and taking your shirt off and handing it to me.

So the strip continues with no problems. She hands me all of her clothing piece by piece, and I find nothing. Once all the clothing has been removed, I tell her to turn and face the wall, bend over at the waist, and spread her ass cheeks. (Note: This is NOT the highlight of my job, looking up cooch and ass all day. But since I want myself and my fellow officers to go home safe every night, I realize this is a necessary evil.)

As she does this, I notice something up the cooch that does not belong. I immediately go into defensive mode in case it is a weapon. I let my backup know that I have something but don't know what it is. So the rest of the conversation goes like this:

Me: What do you have inside of you?
Her: I don't know what you are talking about, I ain't got nothing.
Me:  I am looking right at it, I can see something in there.  Tell me what it is now or this is going to get a lot worse.
Her:  Fine, I'll tell you.  It's an avocado.
Me: ........... a what?!
Her:  An avocado. You know, you eat it?
Me:  You have an avocado in your cooch?!
Her:  Yes

Me:  Why in the fuck would you have an avocado in your cooch?!?!

Carolanne2 024

Her:  Cuz I know what jail food is like, I been here before. I thought I'd bring something in to hold me over.
Me:  Are you fucking kidding me?! You stuck an avocado up your cooch in case you got hungry?! What the hell is wrong with you?
Her:  I didn't want to go hungry!
Me:  *sigh*  Ok, reach in and remove the avocado from your cooch and hand it to me.
So this female reaches in, pulls this avocado out of her cooch, and hands it to me (thank heaven for gloves!). The strip search ends and I dress her out and take her over to holding.  By this time I am laughing so hard I am crying, and everyone is wanting to know what is going on, and of course this is a story that HAS to be shared!
I mean really, I should NEVER have to tell someone to remove the avocado from their cooch.  Seriously, WTF?!  If you are really that hungry, just ask me and I'll get you extra food!  I have seen some weird stuff in my time there, but this one absolutely takes the cake!  There is never a dull day at the jail!

The Jail Monkey


Security Guard Hell

Storytime1 Some insane Retail Hell from another perception:

While I have done plenty of Retail work myself (everything from convenience store to fast food to major department store) for the past several years I have been working as a Security Guard.

At this particular time I was guarding a gas-station/convenience store that was widely considered to be the single worst location in this city. (Two years ago in a period of six weeks there were 35 murders in the city. 25 of them occurred within a six block radius of this store.) 

This was just one of many of my nights.

1) Five minutes after going on duty one of the local crack whores comes screaming into the store claiming she had just been raped. We offered to call the police. She said no. Ten minutes later I had to run her out of the parking lot because she was trying to trick up one of the guys who had stopped in for gas. Go figure.

2) About an hour later "Dino" walked into the store. Now "Dino" is probably the worst customer I have dealt with. When he's sober he's fine. This time he wasn't sober. Everything was fine until he got in line, and then all of the sudden he starts screaming at the latina in line in front of him, for no reason, using just about every slang term you've ever heard for Mexican's in about 5 seconds. By the time I get over there to eject him from the store he's got this poor little woman nearly cornered and she is freaking out. It takes me a few seconds to get his attention because by state law I can not touch him in any way until he actually gets violent. He rounds on me and starts screaming at me, calling me Cracka and Honkey, screaming "Yeah, that's right, I'm a nigga racist, whachyou gonna do about it?" Well, long story short, police were called, and he ended up with a nice set of bracelets and a free ride downtown.

3) A couple of hours later N.A.T. attempts to steal one of the sandwiches the store sells. N.A.T. is so stupid that he doesn't seem to realize that it doesn't fit in his pocket. When I stop him he starts yelling about how he had just paid for the sandwich ( he had never even gotten close to the registers) and that I was just profiling him 'cause he was black. I get the sandwich back after about 5 minutes, and out he goes, banned.

4) Guy comes into the store. He's obviously drunk, but the other guy he is with seems sober, and they cause no problems. They walk out. Less than a minute later I hear a screech of tires, followed a second later by a rather large BOOM. Turns out drunk guy was driving because sober guy did not have a license, and he had just backed out as fast as he could, right into the passenger side of a SUV that was getting gas. The woman in the passenger seat goes fuck-nuts on the guy because she had been hit by a drunk driver a couple of years earlier. I spend the next 15 minutes trying to keep the woman from going medieval on the guy while we wait for the police to show up.

5) Saved the best for last. A kid, about 19, comes into the store. Your basic hard on punk type. As a matter of course I watch the kid, as he blithely starts stuffing his jacket with several items. I stop him as he's leaving, get the usual "Man, I aint never stole nothin' in my life" garbage. Police get called. He gets the bracelet treatment, and then it starts getting fun. The kid asks me, while he's waiting to be put in the cruiser, if his truck will be safe. I ask him which one, and he says, "That one" and points with his chin. The cop ( my favorite cop in that area ) and I both look over, and then we look at each other. The car he has pointed out is a brand new SUV, an expensive one. I raise my eyebrow at the cop, he nods, and walks over to the SUV. As his partner is putting the kid in the cruiser he calls in the license plate. Oh, guess what? Mr. " I aint never stole nothin' " is driving a stolen car. And it keeps getting better. The cop does a search of the SUV. What does he find in the back? About four thousand, that's thousand not hundred, dollars worth of stolen merchandise, most of it clothing with the big plastic "Don't steal me" devices still attached.

And that was just one of my nights. And not even the busiest one. And people wonder why Security Guards and Cops drink. It's a natural antidote to the moron virus that seems to fly around us.

---You will Re-spect my ATHORITAYH, even in Hell.

You Just Never Know Who You're Waiting On

Storytime6 Hello all! Joe here again with more Tales Of The Working Class.

I'm going to branch out today to include other folks' tales.

This one is from none other than my son. He's a cop in a seaside resort town here on the east coast. This actually happened last year. 

It's three o' clock in the morning and SonnyeBoy is sitting in his cruiser. The audible tones of the dashboard-mounted radar gun are rising and falling with each passing car. To pass the time, he's texting his fellow on-duty officers on the cruisers' computer. (His mother and I refer to it as SCMODS. Two pats on the head to whoever can tell me what movie that's from.)

Suddenly the radar tones scream and SonnyeBoy sees a silver 4-door Chevy come hauling ass down the highway. He puts his car in gear and peels out of the side street. He falls in behind the Chevy and activates lights and siren. He radios in make, color and tag number.

Just then, the car he's chasing pulls a wicked U-turn. Now the adrenaline's REALLY flowing! The driver then makes their last mistake: they turn down a dead-end street.

My son screeches to a halt behind the Chevy, radios in his location, and pulls his .40-caliber automatic weapon. He orders the driver to exit the vehicle and put their hands up.

It's then that he notices the driver is a little old lady, maybe 70 years old! The front-seat passenger also looks to be at least that old!

The driver is weeping and saying, "I'm SORRY", over and over. Another officer comes flying up behind my son's car. While they're trying to determine what's going on, a fourth car pulls up behind the cruisers. A man gets out and this exchange occurs:

Man: "Officer, officer, what happened?"

SonnyeBoy: "STOP RIGHT THERE! Let me see your hands!"

Man: "Oh, sorry. Are they all right?"

Second Officer: "Why don't you tell me who YOU are first."

Man: "Oh, yeah. Sorry. I run the Knights of Columbus hall up in ------ Beach. I was following them to make sure they got home okay. Ya' see, uh, they've been drinking a little bit."

My son then walks over to deal with the man while the second cop continues to question the two ladies.Freddy2 109a

SonnyeBoy: "So you say they've been drinking? How much would you say the driver had?"

Man: "About two Jack and Cokes."

SonnyeBoy: "ABOUT two or ACTUALLY two?"

Man: "It was ACTUALLY two, sir. But can't you cut them a little slack? They're sisters..."

SonnyeBoy: "So?"

Man: "...of Mercy."

SonnyeBoy: "Wait, what? They're NUNS?!"

Man: "Yes sir."

SonnyeBoy: "Jesus CHRIST!"

Man: "Exactly!"

My son's Lieutenant arrived on the scene and it was determined that SonnyeBoy would drive the two nuns home in their car. The second officer would follow in his cruiser and later return my son to his car.

And, after the wayward Sister promised never to drink and drive again, no charges were brought against her. Proving once again: It's not WHAT you know, it's WHO you know. Amen.