Discount Store Hell: Bad Mom Protects Her Thieving Hellspawn


Smoshmess2 From March, 2010:

This is Redheadactress. When I read the story of the person who worked for *Smosh Mess for Less* I knew I had to post. Unfortunately, I also work for Smosh Mess for Less.

And I hate it.

In fact I am currently attending bartending school so I can get away from this crap job. The assistant manager was a racist sexist prick and the coworkers are backstabbers and talk a lot of bullshit in Spanish and think the poor saps who don't speak Spanish can't understand what they are saying. (Boy are they soooo wrong about that) I had been passed over for a promotion I long deserved, but what-the-fuck-ever. I have stopped caring now.

Well recently we had a switch in Assistant Managers and she doesn't take anyone's bullshit so its been a bit better.

But the customers have been worse and worse.

I was doing customer service one night when a woman with three kids comes up, an older girl, a boy around 8, and an infant in a stroller.

The little boy wanted to pay for his toys separately, two WWF action figures, that were 4.99 each. He only had enough money to buy one, in which hearing the news, sat in the middle of the walkway and bawled for 20 minutes. Batspawn2

In the meantime I have other customers who want to check out, my other cashier is on lunch, and the only other person is in the fitting room who can't leave as my manager is doing interviews. (Oh yes, I have been asking for full time and keep getting turned down, but we can hire other people, that's so fucking intelligent!)

So I tell the mother I have to suspend the transaction and take the other people while she gets her son in order. She screams at me for being a racist. (WTF?)

So she gets her son up off the floor and he pays for his one item. However, as I am putting the money in the drawer and getting out the change, I notice both items are gone.

Me: "Can I please have the other figure back?"

Mother: "Now you're accusing my son of stealing?"

Me: "If he took both action figures, yes ma'am I am. He only paid for one."

Mother: "Jimmy, give back the other one, the mean lady won't let you have it."

Me: *thinking* WTF lady!

The child throws the figure at me then goes running outside the door.

I should note that our store is in the middle of a town center where there are other stores and lots of traffic.

HELLSPAWNTALES2This child is now running in and out of traffic.

He almost got hit twice.

Me: "Ma'am your child almost got hit."

Mother: "He will be fine!"

Me: "Please go get your son."

Mother: "You telling me how to raise my children?"

Me: "NO! I am simply telling you that your son could get very hurt."

Mother: "And it would be your fault for accusing him of stealing, you c**t!"

Me: "If you say so!"

Mother: "The customer is always right, I pay your wages! I am never coming back again."

Me: "Ok, have a nice day!" (transaction done).

The other customers in line applauded me for handling the situation with dignity. I apologized for the wait several times. A minute later we hear a crash.

The son that was playing in the middle of the street was hit by a car.

Good thing the car was only going 15 miles an hour at the most, so all he got was a few scratches and bruises, no serious damages.

My manager has appeared at this point and I explain what is going on.

The whole thing was caught on security camera (not the accident) so she believed me.

The woman then proceeds to yell at the driver that the reason he was playing in
traffic was because I accused her son of stealing...right...



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Bookstore Hell: Customer Vultures Invade Hoarders


BookbitchFrom BookAce, December, 2010:

It's been assholes to the left of me and vultures to the right this week, man. And it's not just me! My sweet-as-sugar co-worker who nobody could hate, he's that nice, has had two different customers scream at him in the last couple days!

By now everyone's heard about Hoarders melting down. My store did not close, afflicting me with a mix of relief and survivor's guilt. The vultures and discount rats began gathering days ago.

Are you closing? Is everything on clearance? Is everything free because you're closing? Why isn’t this on sale? Can I just steal shit since you’re closing anyway? No way will I buy one of those crappy Plus cards or e-readers, you won’t be around in a year.

The day before the big announcement I asked a man to take one of our free cards. FREE. And he says to me, “I dunno, let’s wait and see how your stock does. HAHAHA.”

Me: …=| “It’s free. It doesn’t matter what our stock does.”

Guy: “I…I know, I was just…”

Me: B|

It wasn't funny then when I was thinking my paycheck was on the line, and it's not funny now after knowing people personally affected here. (He noticed I was not amused and left quietly.)

Then later, an old man came up and slapped a book down. It’s a hardcover, 40% off for Plus members, 30% off for everyone else.

Old man: “I’ll buy this if you give me the 40% off.”

Me: “Are you a Plus member?”

Old man: “I was a member a long time ago.”

(We started up this Plus program last fall. Yeah…a long time ago. Sure.)

Me: “If you’re not a Plus member, it’s 30%.” (Still a good deal, honestly.)

Old man: *long stare*

Me: *GTFO stare*

Old man: “Fine.” *stomps off*

THIS IS NOT A FUCKING FLEA MARKET. And I'm not haggling just because you think we're desperate enough to be pushed around. At least use "please." It's not that hard!

Then today it was time for the usual dicks to gang up. First came generic asshole guy. Throws the greeting card he's buying at me along with his credit card and gives nothing but monosyllabic answers. The guy's pretty high up in police rankings, believe me, I'm sure he's capable of using a full sentence and maybe even "thank you."

Then came Bible thumper guy. After I muttered under my breath about hating the people who put the stickers on books, (because they put two different priced stickers on said book and I was like, "WTF?") the guy goes, "Hey!" He holds the Bible out at me and stares at me long and hard, pointing at it.

Me: *puzzled stare back*

Guy: "It's not good to hate." *walks away*

I wanted to tell him that if everything in the Bible is true, the head dude upstairs surely has a number of more pressing issues with me than my annoyance at the sticker people.

Then not even a half hour later comes condescending change guy.

I'm not good at math. Disorder-level not good. And I'm not ashamed to pull out a calculator when someone pulls the whole, "I have change!" just as I open the till (ignoring that I always wait for them to offer change beforehand...) because I don't want to shortchange them or be shortchanged. This guy has the change once the till is open. I ask my co-worker quickly what the even-dollar value should be because she's a whiz and she gives me the answer. The guy harumphs at me and goes, "That's so simple, you need to ask her for that? And they've got you running the register? Geez."

Then I got so flustered apologizing for my bad math skills that I forgot the answer my co-worker gave me and had to ask her again, my face burning at this point, while the guy huffs and puffs and rolls his eyes.

Thanks a lot, jerkass.

Not long after that came a discount rat, asking what the sale price on everything was. Turns out she thought we were closing. After I corrected her she shut up about things that weren't on sale, but she still kept pulling that move where custies lean over the counter and ask after every item, "That was on sale, right?" ARGH.

Got a three-day weekend though. Gonna head up to the gun range this weekend and use one of those silhouette targets. "What's that bitch? Did I just hear you say 'everything should be free LOL!' because thousands of people losing their jobs is funny? And you don't want a member card? And oh, you're too busy gabbing on your phone about your hook-up last night to thank me after I fetched books for you for an hour, but you're NOT too busy to interrogate me about the price of every item? Well, meet my little friend..."




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A Sunday in Theme Park Hell with 4 Nightmare Custys



From Rollercoaster Slave:

Oh my god, who unleashed the fucking horde of dumbasses?!?!

Seriously, the park today was like Left 4 Dead, only with angry impatient douchebags instead of zombies O_o

Add to that the fact that 4 out of our 5 registers in our stand crashed, and we were understaffed, and you get the day from hell.

Here is a list of the main shit-for-brains custys we had today (only 4, if I posted all of the massive idiots this post would be 3 pages long xD):

1) Father of the year:

So it was about noon, and we were in the middle of a huge lunch rush (think 45+ minutes in line, and then usually about 10-20 minutes to get your food).

This guy comes up to us with a group of little kids (I think the oldest was probably 8ish). He orders 5 pizzas, 3 sodas, and a beer.

Now, we have a policy of IDing everyone that wants beer, no matter how many times they come up to us. I ask to see his ID, and he goes completely apeshit.

He starts yelling shit like "I waited for 45 fucking minutes to get a fucking beer, and now you're saying I have to go get my fucking ID?!?! Fuck you you cunt!!!"

Throughout all of this, his kids are just kind of watching him (no doubt they will be terrible custys later in life) and he's standing there screaming obscenities at me. I apologize for the wait, and tell him we're understaffed.

He starts yelling that we shouldn't be understaffed, because people are looking for work. Understanding of economics FAIL. Jason2 064a

He eventually drags his kids away, still yelling about the "fucking retards in the pizza store."

Way to go, dad-of-the-year! I bet your kids are going to grow up without anger issues!

2) Oblivious Custy

I had 5 people in a row order beer, I IDed all of them, and all of them complained.

Now this lady comes up to me, orders a beer, and I ask for her ID.

She screams at me that she shouldn't have to show her ID "Because one, I look over 21, and two, you didn't ID anyone else before me!"

Suuuure I didn't lady.

You just keep telling yourself that *eyeroll*

3) Hellspawn

We finally got another register to start working, and opened it as soon as we could.

This little kid came up to the girl working the stand, ordered a soda, and payed for it with exact change.

Now, he ordered a Coke, but we only carry Pepsi.

He said that would be fine, and she poured it and gave it to him.

He took one sip, and dumped the cup on the counter saying that "I wanted a coke you idiot!"

This kid must have been 7.

There goes my faith in today's youth. Jason2 064b

4)  Fuck-taxes guy

Now, this was one of my last customers of the day, and by now, after 8 hours of douchebaggery and idiocy, I had reached the magical point where I was no longer able to care about anything.

My managers were angry because I'd gone over 40 hours for the week (we have a policy of sending people home before  they reach 40 hours, otherwise the managers get in trouble), and

I was just fucking done with angry people.

This guy comes up to me, orders a soda, and I tell him the total.

He freaks out (more so than that cust-zilla in my last submission) and blamed ME for the sales tax rate.

Now, I'm still recovering from jet-lag from when I went to Egypt, I'm energy crashing like hell, and stress is causing my stomach to hurt. (Sorry about sounding whiny, just want to show what was going on).

I was just done with people blaming me for random shit that they don't like, so I snapped.

I yelled at the guy "I can't even change my schedule, what the fuck do you expect me to do about the tax rate?!?!"

He looked down, and muttered something that sounded like "oh, sorry", he payed for his drink, and left.

Luckily, my manager likes me, so I didn't get written up.

--Rollercoaster Slave


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Disneyland Hell: Dumbass Customer Invasion


From Mouse, Mastered, April, 2011


Mouse masteredOkay, so, whoa. MouseMastered here, and today's the western movie of guests: the crazy, the stupid, and the spaced-y to talk about today.

First off, the Spaced:

I was over behind the tea cups and having a decently good time. A lady walked up, and asked me an innocently enough where Pirates of the Caribbean is. Okay, no problem.

So here's what follows:

MM: "No problem! It's over in Adventureland." *points towards Adventureland and is about
to say more when...*

SL(Spaced Lady):"Oh, so it's not in the Magic Kingdom?"

I was literally dumbfounded at that and merely responded "No ma'am, it's here. Adventureland is just another section of the park."

I don't remember if she had a first time visit button on, but I've seriously NEVER had someone think that Adventureland is not in the park.

Secondly... Let's go with the Stupid:

I'm at our stand that now sells chicken nuggets amongst other things and one of our new menu options is a kid's meal PBJ. The kid's meal comes with: two sides (grapes, apple slices, cookies, or jell-o) and a drink. OH, and a side note: we only sell potato chips, NOT FRENCH FRIES.

I had a couple come up and begin to order, two chicken nuggets, whatever. But then the Dumb Lady (DL) and her significant other add a PBJ to the order. Enter scene:

MM: "Okay, would you like the meal or the sandwich?"

DL: "The meal. Can I get that with fries?"

Jason 027MM: "No ma'am. There aren't any fries. You get two sides: apples, grapes, cookie, or jell-o."

DL: "Okay." *ponders menu* "How about carrot cake?" *note: the cake and chips alone are listed directly beneath the PBJ*

MM: "No ma'am. You get two sides: apples, grapes, cookie, or jell-o."

DL: "OH! Two sides!" *my thoughts: about time you get it!* "Then can I get carrot cake and chips?"

MM: *HEADREGISTER* "No ma'am. Apples, grapes, cookie, or jell-o."



Also, I had some dude order, and he has change, but it's not enough to cover the change on the order. But he has a ten.

He asks me if I can cover his change from my till. He isn't going to get a mountain of change, so I say no and go to give him the change.

And I swear, he has aviators on and he gives me the BIGGEST FUCKING STINK EYE as I give him his bills and TWO COINS worth of change.

Seriously, why do some people act as if getting change is a sin against God/FSM/Lady Gaga? It's part of my job, as a cashier, to GET YOU QUICK CHANGE. Deal with it.


Thankfully this story did NOT happen to me, but the result is awesome, and the manager that this happens to deserves an RBA. (Note: They get one!)

It was at the nugget stand. One lady orders from this older guy. She gets the order, pays him, gets the change, all is well and good.

Well, obviously not, or I wouldn't be writing about it. She comes back, ranting and raving, that the cashier guy didn't give her the change.

Cashier guy, calmly, gets AwesomeManager, who comes by and does and audit on the spot.

The till comes out PERFECT TO THE PENNY.

End of story, right?

WRONG! THIS FUCKING LADY starts SCREAMING and SWEARING in the middle of fucking fantasyland that she didn't get her goddamn change and takes her water bottle and shakes it at CashierGuy and AwesomeManager, gets water everywhere, trashes the counter, and throws her water bottle to the ground and stomps out.

One of my supervisors wound up trailing her so that she could be found. Disney Security
showed up to the stand, I direct her to AwesomeManager, and the two disappear.

I wound up finding out that AwesomeManager and the security guard wound up EJECTING THAT CRAZY BITCH FROM THE MAGIC KINGDOM. She was escorted from property, and miraculously went along with it without much of a struggle.

All in all, it was an interesting spring break/pre-Easter week at the Kingdom. Summer's coming though, and from the looks of things, I'll be getting a LOT more stories to share.

Until next time, be safe, may your lines be free of crustys, and have a magical day!

--Mouse Mastered

  Magic Kingdom Hell

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Cashier Hell: Holiday Fistfight



From Norelle, December, 2008:

Kind of funny story I thought I'd share-- and it has a happy ending!
We're allowed to wear Holiday t shirts and sweaters and such to work for the month of december and I was taking up the company's offer by wearing a Hanukkah t-shirt that poked fun at a secular Christmas tradition- it had a bunch of presents in front of a big menorah and it said "Santa Schmanta" on it.

I'm not really Jewish, but I'm not really Christian either, and I thought the shirt was cute, and the Jewish customers often complain that they feel underrepresented around the holidays and the company was ok with it.

Of course, in order to make sure that all people continue to take themselves too seriously, a lady decides to find my tshirt offense. She spews off all sorts of anti-semitic stuff and says i'm the spawn of Satan, destroying good Christian principles like Santa Claus.

I'm a little shocked by this out of the blue bitchfest, so I'm silent and trying to think of something to say that will even penetrate her skull, when the lady behind her, took offense to what she was saying.

The two ladies started yelling at each other, and the anti-semitic lady threw a punch (well, it was more of a limp slap with two inch fingernails, but you get what I'm saying) and these two ladies end up in an all out, rolling on the floor, scratching, hair pulling, catfight, right on the front end of the store. 

I call security, and they call the local police. Security separated the two women by the time the police got there, and the police walked them out, and asked them not to return unless they could behave themselves. 



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Mall Worker's 10 Types of Retail Customers


OCTOCAROL 044 From Little Mall Worker, November 2010:


1.) Stinky

Mr. Stinky got his name for the obvious reason. 

He smells and he's grimy. He is also a bit touched in the head and has a weird infatuation with little ole me. 

Stinky is C-R-E-E-P-Y. 

When someone is in "his" massage chair he will stare at them until they get out.  He also watches the children in the store. Not cool dude. 

However, he received a ban from our store by making the comment "I love little girls. I like to put them in my lap and love on them." 

I know he is slightly retarded, but that was too much for us. 


2.) Asshole

Mr. Asshole comes in once a week and asks for you to set up the chair for him because he cannot figure it out.

He has been doing this for 5 years.  He is the most bigoted person I have met and he will take up at least an hour of your time asking you questions.

Guess what Mr. Asshole corporate has banned you.

Happy day.

3.) Mr. Wild Trip Guy

Not annoying, but a hard customer.

This guy is not hard because he is mean or rude but because he is deaf...and from Spain.  I do not speak sign language or Spanish...but I am wicked good at charades.

It always takes me a long time to figure out what he wants though.

4.) Untechnological People

We are a tech store. You don't have to be an expert, but please know what a CD player is for and have some inkling what a MP3 player is. 

Oh and wireless speakers are not, I repeat, not "new" technology. They have been around for years; probably even decades now.  Blood

5.) Rich Snobby People 


6.) Hellspawn

Same as above.

7.) Old people

Here are some rules for you:

1. Do not hit on me. It's gross and creepy. 

2. If you fall asleep easily stay out of my massage chairs. I cannot tell if you are sleeping or dead and I do not have a long enough poll to give you a poke. 

3. If you can see your bones under your skin do not touch the pounding massagers. 

4. Speak up. I am playing loud music and the air conditioner is loud as shit. Don't get mad if I ask you to repeat yourself.

8.) Teenagers

Do not hang out in my store. This is a place of business not a park. Yes you are not wanted here and yes I will kick you out.

And epic eye-rolls amuse me.

And no I am not scared of you so don't try anything to intimidate me. I will drop kick you straight over the railing to the second floor below.

9.) Piggy/Nasty/Entitled/Thieving Customers

Go back to the slime ridden muck hole you climbed out of.  I do not want to deal with you.

Last but not least

10.) People Who Ignore Me

I said hello. Just say hi back or wave a little. It's just common courtesy.

Oh and don't respond to Hi, welcome to (insert store name here) with "Just looking" "No thank-you" or "Ok" none of those responses make any sense at all.

Well, that is it for today.  Hell is fast approaching. I hate retail during Christmas. 60 hour work weeks.  Listening to Christmas music for 9 hours a day. Trying to find parking. many customers. 

Here's hoping I'll survive it.

--Little Mall Worker


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