Dumbass Customers: Allergic To Chunks



This story was originally posted on December 28, 2009


From MKM

I have a good one for you.

I work in a locally owned grocery chain in Nebraska.

I was working late one day, and a customer came up to me and asked if I could help.

I went down the aisle to where the woman led me.

She then asked if we (the store) had any more "CREAMY type PEANUT BUTTER" that was on sale.

I do not work in that particular department, but I looked in the backstock area, and told her that we were out of that type, but the "CHUNKY" was also on sale also.

She then told me that she could not have CHUNKY because she was allergic to nuts.

I had an instant aneurysm. LOL

Lincoln, Nebraska




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From BasementRat, August, 2017:

A friend who is a docent for a large U.S. zoo often tells me about his fun encounters , both the animal and human kind. He is studying to be a large animal veterinarian. It is mostly outdoor work, which he enjoys and he has come to know the habits, likes and dislikes of the animals on exhibit.

Visitors to the zoo are many, especially on weekends. My friend enjoys speaking to tourists from all over the country and the world.

One day a group of about a dozen came up to the rhino enclosure. They were all wearing team sweatshirts from the University of Michigan. My friend was delighted to see them because he had gone to the school . He told them all about the rhinos and warned them to stay back from the fence because they have a habit of urinating in a wide arc. A hippo will fan his tail in a circular motion while in the water , a sort of cement mixing of their urine and excrement, while a rhino when urinating, will pretty much flood an entire area with pee.


After five minutes they said that the exhibit was lousy ,a waste of time and money. My friend told them that they are not trained circus acts and not to taunt the animals.

My friend walked away in disgust and got about twenty feet away from the rude tourists when he heard screams.

He turned around in time to see the dozen sweatshirt wearing alums being hosed down with gallons of urine.

From head to toe, some with open mouths too stunned to move, the visitors were soaked in steaming piss.

Drenched and stinking, they cried for help, and demanded an answer why?...why did the rhino do THAT? My friend quipped…”Well, you were wearing Michigan team sweatshirts, that particular rhino came from an Ohio zoo, he is obviously a Buckeye fan.”




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Medical Clinic Hell: Dumbass Patients



From February, 2010:

Hiedi here-

I currently work as the head RN of a medical practice ran by 5 doctors, all who are friends.  One doc, however, the one who hired me-when this practice first opened 8 years ago, is a piece of work onto himself.  But that is not why I am writing, at least not today.

The medical clinic I work at serves as a primary care clinic for the locals. We also serve as an urgent care clinic. 2 of the 5 doctors are dentists, one who is basically a dental surgeon. We have an in house lab, the ability to set broken bones, (depending on the severity of the broken bone) do x-rays, minor surgeries, stitches, minor to major dental work, Colonoscopy’s (shoving a camera up peoples butts and down their throats for cancer and other screenings is not the highlight of my day) and stuff like well baby checkups, strep throat treatment, pap smears (also not one of the highlights of my job) and physical exams for bus drivers or whoever needs one for work or non work related purposes and we have stuff like an in house lab for blood work. You get the picture.

My job continually convinces me that the only thing certain in life other than death and taxes is the nature of human stupidity. 

I have nothing against heavy people. If you obese and happy, great. I had a gentleman come in, who weighed around 550 pounds, who complained of a skin rash on the folds of his skin.  From the smell of the rash, it looked like a fungal infection to me.

I began to examine the irritated skin, (thank god for gloves) and as I lifted one of his folds of fat where it was the worst, a turkey sandwich fell out.

The man figured it was a month old. The smell and mold confirmed it. I threw it out, gave him some cream and told him to clean the area and put the cream on it irritated skin.

I had another patient come in, complaining that his butt was hurting. He was 21. I took him to xray. I let the xray develop, but wasn’t in the room when the Doc came to look at them.  I heard the Doc treating this guy go “OH MY GOD” and went to see what the issue was. 

OCTOCAROL 057The man’s rectum and entire colon was a solid mass. 

Thinking he had some advanced stage of cancer, I hurried back into the room to ask him how long this had been going on and to give me some more info (we were busy, I didn’t get a chance to get many details from him before the xray) and the man turned 5 shades of red. 

I gently explained we can’t help him properly unless we know when this pain in his rear end started and how long it’s been going on.

That’s when the truth came out. 

He and his boyfriend of 5 weeks recently began having sex. 

After one too many beers the night before, one of them had the bright idea to pour fast drying cement mix down a funnel into his rectum. 

Where it dried. 

Under local anesthesia, two of the docs (one of them is a former trauma surgeon who got tried of the wild hours the ER provided) and myself were able to remove the perfect mold of his colon. 

And one ping pong ball.

I had a young female patient, who was 26. She seemed fine, and I came in to take her blood pressure and such, I asked her what the problem was.

She explained she was having unexplained pain in her cooch area. 

Oh great, I thought, another vaginal exam. 

I asked her if it was okay to do a vaginal exam on her, and that we have a female doc working that day if she would be more comfortable with her rather than one of the male drs. She asked for the female doc. 

I let her get undressed and handed her a gown, and when we were ready, I go Sue, our only female doc on staff. 

It didn’t take long to figure out what was causing her woes. 

A set of car keys. 

The woman explained she didn’t want her boyfriend taking her car so she hid them where “he never goes.”

--You local RN



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Old Lady Calling: Do You Have Suggestions on How to Get the Lid Off my Mayo?

Nametag4a From Riferous:

Sometimes, you can just feel yourself dying a little inside.

I just got a call from a little old lady.

She had bought some brand name mayo and couldn't get the lid off.

Yes, she called and asked to speak to a manager because she couldn't get the lid off of her mayo.

And asked if I had any suggestions.

I said, "Well, have you tried wrapping a towel around it?", but alas, that wasn't the kind of innovative logic she was looking for.

She asks, "Well would there be a plastic wrapper around it, and where would that be?"

"Well, there could be, and it would cover the lid and part of the bottle itself."

"Can you go check that for me?"

I'm halfway through a company mandated video that will be followed by a test, upstairs, in the back, on the opposite end of the building.

"Sure, let me put you on old. I mean hold." (I didn't really say that, but that's funny right there.)

OLD-PEOPLE-HELLSo I get to the mayo aisle, ask her which one in particular it was.

She only then decides to tell me that it was a squeeze bottle.

For those not familiar with a squeeze bottle of mayo, they have a screw on lid (at least most do), which is not tight, because there is an inner seal. 

"Well, the ones I'm checking are pretty easy, they just twist right off, and then there is a seal across the neck of the bottle..."

"With a pull tab?", she interjects, telling me that she probably knows better what she is doing than she thinks she does.

"Yes, you grab that pull tab and pull off the seal, and put the lid back on.

"Do you have to take that seal off before you can get the lid off?"

What? "No, you have to take the lid off to take the seal off. It's on the neck blah blah same thing I've already said."

"Now I got some of the [other name brand she can't pronounce, here's a clue, sounds a HELL of a lot like SMELLMANN'S], and it had a wrapper around the lid."

"Yes, it does."

"Would it have that seal inside?"

"No, that's what the outer seal is for."

At this point I'm thinking that she's going to actually have to drive back in and have me open the damn bottle for her.

Or she's going to demand that I come to her house, open the bottle, and spend three hours listening to stories about her dead husband and her 28 cats.

But aha! I have an idea!

"You can get the flip top lid up, right?"


"If you stick a knife in that slot and poke through the seal you will be able to squeeze it out."

Genius, right?

"Well, you don't think that lid was made into the bottle, do you?" Freddy2 093

*Pause while brain tries to regain traction.*

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you don't think it's attached to the bottle, all one piece, do you?"

Would I still be having this conversation if that's what I thought?

"No, it comes off."

"Well if I stick a knife in through that slot and poke a hole in the seal, will that be sufficient?"

You mean what I told you to do two minutes ago???

Yeah, I think that will be fucking sufficient!!!

I wish, I wish, I wish I didn't have to be back here at 7 in the morning, so I could go kill enough brain cells to understand people.




read more Old People Hell Tales here

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