Retail Balls Awards: The Tale of McBitch



Feburary, 2010:

I'm a cop and have been a cop for far too long, ever since I was 18. However, before 18 I worked in retail hell, however this isn't a story about that.

I was recently at a local McDicks behind a woman and he child. The child had a face full of snot so you can imagine how well this encounter was going to be.

After McBitch asked McSnot what he wanted she placed her order. The young slave behind the register was being the normal happy-go-lucky servant you'd expect. After placing the order McBitch goes to pay. But wait, McSnot has changed his mind.

My mom would have told me to shut up and it was too late. McBitch however has the slave change the order....4 different times.

After the money was paid McSnot ran off to play in the playground, surely sharing his snot with the other kids while mom waits on the food. She gets it then that's when shit hits the fan.

Apparently between the 5 different orders McBitch really don't remember what she ordered...only that what she got was wrong.

McBitch begins cussing out this poor slave. I can tell that this is a relatively new slave as she doesn't know how to respond to this verbal assault. Now, I was here with my girlfriend (hey not all the times do you have to take them to fancy restaurants) so I was not in the mood to step in. As sexy as I think I am in uniform I do like to stay off when I'm off.

All this of course until McBitch grabs a tray and throws it across the lobby. At this point I still really don't know what the fuck she is so pissed off about as McDicks manager is trying to fix her problem. However McBitch's vocabulary seemed to be limited to "dumb whore" and "stupid slut".

Well I've had enough. I started feeling bad for the slave and even the manager who was cowarding away. I step in between McBitch and the counter. 6661

Now per our policy I must carry my badge and gun everywhere I go even when off duty. She hasn't seen this yet.

Me: You need to stop.

McBitch: You need to fucking move out of my way before I bust you in the fucking face.

(Seriously...still haven't figured out why she's so mad)

Me: I got a better idea. How about you get your crusty ass out of this store before I put your ass out myself.

(At this point I roll my shirt over my belt so she could see the badge and gun)

McBitch: This dumb bitch can't get an order right and won't give me what I want but you're throwing me out?

Me: Yep (could have probably had a better come back but hey it worked)

She attempted to grab the bag of food sitting on the counter. I snatch it away from her.

Me: Nope you're going to leave that here since apparently it wasn't right.

McBitch: I already paid for that!

Me: No, you apparently paid for something else that they couldn't get right. Now consider that a donation to McDonalds Fund for the trouble you've caused here.

McBitch: Aw hell nah I'm not leaving here without my money or my food!

McManager: Ma'am here's your money.

I block her from getting it.

Me: Listen here, either you go get your kid from that playground and get your smelly ass out of this restaurant or I promise you the fines I will have you paying will make it to where you can't afford the dollar menu here. On top of that this poor girl you've been yelling at won't have to worry about cleaning the floor for awhile because I'm about ready to put your ass on the ground.

I was close enough to her face now that I realized that when I called her smelly it apparently wasn't just an insult.

McBitch gathers McSnot and they drive away in their McBettle.

The manager thanks me and the poor slave, who's visibly shaking at this point, gives me my meal for free.

Guess I do have to thank McBitch for my free meal :/

---McCop, Badge #666


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Fast Food Hell - Outrage Over Hot Sauce




Fast food hellFrom Taco Slave, July, 2010:

I've been pretty much a Drive Thru Slave for about 13 years now.

Right now I'm the night manager at Taco Bell/Long John Silver's. Situated in the nook of a rather ridiculous 3-way intersection, I am blessed with pretty low volume work.

I spent most of Black Friday night thanking the retail/customer service gods for making drive thru completely utterly dead. There's a Walmart less than quarter mile away and the streets are packed... And I have one customer. My heart goes out to all the retail slaves getting spat on for their ten dollar tv coupons! The worst I had (before the paragraph to follow) was an entitled woman who thought she would like to prepay her tacos, shop, then come eat them. I told her she better hope I remember her......

Sooooo its 20 minutes to closing time, I've had maybe 5 orders in the last hour.... and I knew I wouldn't get away with no problems today... 10 mins to close this guy wants 50 of EACH hot sauce with his 2 bean burritos.

I said "No our policy is one per two items ordered but I'll give you this (giant handful of packets, prolly 20)".

He goes "C'mon baby you can do better than that."

I just growl and walk away to get his burritos.

I ask one of my two crew members to hand them to him because I'm going to yell at him when he asks for even more sauce.

She returns a moment later saying '"You gotta come talk to these guys..."

So as I return I'm psyching myself up for an argument. Just as I reach for the window latch, the guy gets out of his truck and punches the window, twice, hard!


Freddy Holy Crap

I recoil and suddenly realize no way am I opening the window now!

I scream, "Did you just punch my window?! I'm calling the police!"

He levels a finger at me with a death stare.

I grin and stick my finger on the window like I'm E.T. and start giggling.

His face squeezes up with rage and he takes off....

I think I freaked my crew out... One girl was all "I never seen you get mad like that..."

And I thought about it and regained my composure and said to her, "If that's the worst thing that happened to us on Black Friday I'm pretty damn good with that."

She agreed.

--Taco Slave


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Reverse Mistaken Identity: "You don't even work here!"



 August, 2016

Former McHell Manager here, turned Manager in Training for the King.

I have a story for you, about my manager. I didn't witness this myself, but was told about it from my manager the day after it happened.

Guy came in, and ordered a couple of Spicy sandwiches. Which, for the Land of the Kings, are normal chicken sandwiches with spicy sauce on them, instead of the patties themselves being spicy.

Co-worker: Here are your spicy chickens

Guy: Can I have the sauce with them?

Co-worker: The...sauce? There's already spicy sauce on it.

Guy: No! The sauce! Ranch! I want ranch sauce!

Co-worker: Oh, Ranch! It will be $.11

(We're one of those stores that charge for sauces and have a sign up saying so)

The guy proceeds to flip the fuck out, claiming that he wanted sauce for his sandwich and he shouldn't be charged for it. Eventually my manager came into the story and tried explaining to him our policy. At that point he flips out more, claiming we don't have a sauce policy and that it's not written down anywhere. My manager walked a foot to her left where the sign was and pointed it out to him. He flips out more and says this little gem:

Nametag"You don't even work here!"

At this point, she looked down at her shirt that has a decent sized logo on it, walks to the phone and tells the guy to get out or she is calling the police. This guy apparently was raving mad over a sauce and causing a pretty hefty scene for a decent amount of time. He hightailed it out as soon as she said she was calling the police.

I love this manager, as she's one of the managers who doesn't cave in for most customers who pull that "if I get angry enough I will get my way bit"

And yes, I realize this was all over $.11 but hey, not my call.

But yeah, to this day we laugh about it and go up to her and say "Don't you know, despite wearing your uniform, clocking in, and ordering us around, you don't work here?"

--Former McHell Manager


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Entitled Bitch Encounter at a McDonald's Drive-Thru


McHell From Screaming Off Key, January 2013

Today I worked a short shift at my own slice of McHell. I'm one of the very few people who speak English as a first language and without an accent (I sound very flat with and I don't use slang, it's irrelevant but just telling you) so I get put in back cash for drive thru a lot. My restaurant has a rule that you can only have one order per vehicle in the drive thru, if we do otherwise we could be potentially written up.

Incoming Miss Bitch. It had been about an hour since I got there, no one has really annoyed me yet which is a good thing because I get annoyed easily in drive thru. I live up in the more northern part of Canada, I am full blood native/first nation/indian whatever you want to call it. My "people" still annoy the SHIT out of me because they're stupid and expect everyone to kiss their asses.

Suddenly there's a beep in my ear, que "Hi! Welcome to McHells can I take your order?"

I don't get a response, just some muffled talking into a cell phone for a good minute and a half. I don't know if there's a line and I can't tell if she's ever going to order.

Finally I hear "Hold on I'm getting food," and she places an order. And then she says "That's one order and now I'm going to place another one." I turn off the mic for a breath and say, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience but I can only take one order per vehicle in the drive thru."

And the screeching. Miss Bitch takes it upon herself to tell me how ridiculous that notion is, that she NEEDED to place two orders and how I was inconveniencing her and eating up her precious time.

At this point, my manager who is on the other end tells her, "The crew members do not make the rules we just have to follow them and if you need to make multiple orders come inside or go around again because there is nothing we can do." She decides to just make one order, after racking up our drive thru time to seven minutes and leaves.

I sighed and got ready to put on my fake smile for the next person to come thru, I hate working drive thru. May all your custies be intelligent.

--Screaming Off Key



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Drive Thru Window Hell: Constant Complainer Gets Told


This story was originally posted on May 30, 2010


Drive through hellHello all,

Laughing Barista back with another story from the drive-thru of a coffee chain.

I am fortunate enough to work with one of my best friends. This makes work fun and tolerable (even though I have a cool boss and good hours, etc etc). However, Saturday mornings ALWAYS suck because they're so damn busy.

Now, one of our biggest issues is the fact that people purchase WAY too much stuff in drive-thru. If you're getting more than five items (and by this I don't mean five donuts or five bagels but rather, five separate units), go inside.

So it's around 11AM on Saturday morning and my best friend and I are working sandwiches. We're incredibly busy and can't believe how hungry people are that morning. We have huge orders from the front as well as drive-thru orders that need to be made quickly.

A lady comes to the drive-thru and orders a plethora of drinks and 13, count them, 13 sandwiches. This is ridiculous. Even if it came from the front I'd be pissed but drive-thru? You're holding up the fucking line, asshole. My co-worker kindly informs her to wait inside while we make the sandwiches as to not hold up the line. She complains for about a minute or two until she concedes. 

She comes inside and stands right where we're making sandwiches and starts complaining about how she has to wait inside. I don't want to hear her. My best friend is annoyed, too.

I tell her that it's not fair to the other customers that she take up their time because they can't order if her car is in the way.

She said that my co-worker told her to wait on line again.

I told her that he didn't because a) I heard him and b) that would be stupid and pointless.

(Let me just point out that waiting on line or standing right near us is not going to decrease the amount of time it takes for us to make her order.)

She calms down for a bit and then starts saying, "I'm a good person! I'm a good person! I don't deserve this treatment!"

Balls award3I tell her that I'm sure she's a good person and that we're treating her fine. It's not our fault that she ordered 13 sandwiches on a Saturday morning at 11AM.

She keeps repeating that she's a good person. My best friend got testy and told her to knock it off. She didn't. She kept going on and on and on.

Finally, I lost my patience, put her bagel down and said, "Ma'am, you could be Hitler reincarnated and I wouldn't care. You're a paying customer and you'll get your food as soon as you be quiet and let us do our job."

She shut up after that.

--Laughing Barista


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