Crazy Customer Night at Hellmart



From Bubble Girl, February 2010:

I want to tell you about the crazy-ass customers I had last night!

Since I've worked at Wal-Fart longer than most of the people on my shift (hell, I've trained most of the people on my shift) I usually get stuck doing random customer service at night.  Making keys, mixing paint and (god forbid) cutting fabric for crazy old ladies. 

There is one lady we call "Pain Lady" because something is always hurting on her and she SIMPLY MUST SHARE IT WITH ME. Back braces or broken hands, I don't really care. I get paid to be nice to you, don't forget that you crippled bitch. 

She always wants 10 FUCKING bolts of fabric cut into retarded measurements like 10 and 3/8's of an inch or some bullshit. 

She was in last night and I was basically forced into helping her. 

Whats worse, is that shes a major bible-banger. 

While I'm agnostic, I have nothing against religious people, but stop RUBBING JESUS in my FACE! 

She described each fabrics use in regards to her church's window display while complaining about how her kneecaps were full of cancer or something (I tuned her out). 

Then she asked what church I attend. 

Did I lie and make one up? 

No, because apparently I'm stupid. 

I simply stated that I was agnostic. 


I had to finish cutting her fucking fabric while she TRIED TO SAVE MY SOUL. 

Fuck my life.

I normally work electronics at my local Wal-Fart but last night I was oh-so-overjoyed to go help cashier for a few hours. 

After Pain Lady left, my mortal soul well saved, I thought my night would be better. 


A genuine fucking CRACKWHORE decided to wander the front end for an hour and a half. 

I try to avoid people on drugs and I was following suit well with this skanky ho, until she started molesting the M&Ms display. 



Its the red M&M guy with a hole in his belly to put packs of chocolaty goodness in. 

She was HOLDING his hand at first, really innocent. But then started to STROKE the poor guy's arm. Then rub all over his CROTCH AREA. 


Jesusfuckingchrist WHY ME!?! 

So I had to ask her to stop because all my other customers are watching this with absolute horror on their faces. 

She just kinda looked at me and said "Whaaaaa????" 

Then left the store when I forcefully wheeled the M&M man behind the service desk. 

-Never- in my life have I said anything remotely close to "Ma'am, can you please stop trying to rape the M&M?" 

But I had to last night. 

At least no one invaded my personal space, but still: Fuck you, retail. 

--<3 Bubble Girl






Awesome Customers: Two Sisters are Admonished by Customer After they Berated Cashier For Register Going Down


Carolawesome From Grocery Girl, January 2010:

I work at a grocery store (two films were filmed here :) by a certain pair of brothers.), and I've been there for about 8 years now, I'm also in college.

But anywho this happened about....2-3 years ago... it was super packed and we have old...old registers that would either freeze or fry and everything in between because they do not want to put in the effort of rebuilding the front and have working or new anything.

Most of our things were second hand...or from the early 90' you can see we usually have a lot of issues with the computers. It's also very easy for the store to get busy, we have 4 registers (which only 3 would be open to ring and express was strictly for lottery purchases, it's annoying and we're a small store.

On this day two very rude and severely annoyed sisters just couldn't understand how it was busy and thought that they should be helped first and foremost.

As it came to the time that it was their register froze....

They started berating me on my customer service skills and didn't accept my apology or explanation of the situation.

It took only a minute to restart but when its busy it seems like half an hour X_x.

They started cussing me out!Carolanne 074a

And I was still a bit of a newbie at cashiering and still shy so I just took it.

Then the woman behind them spoke up.

"Don't you dare talk to her that way! It's not her fault that the computer isn't working! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"
I sadly can't remember this customer by name, but I will always remember her face and kindness.

The sisters muttered something along the lines of "we weren't talking to you" as I finished their groceries and they left.

I was in absolute shock and as I was talking to the woman and telling her she really didn't have to do it she tell me "Oh no no no! They had no right to talk to you like that! You are a sweet girl and didn't deserve that! You have always been sweet to me and the other customers. I like coming here!" 

Among many other things she said...but to continue with the story, I saw her at a local artist auction my friend >Ratchet the Barista Girl was featured in ((  HII!!!  :D  )) and we chatted and would chat every time I see her, she even said that herself, my husband and I should hang out some day.

She really is the sweetest lady I've EVER met. 

--Grocery Girl






Monstrous Customers: Bakery Blooksucker



 From Cake Bitch, January 2010:

Let me set the scene a bit first... I work in a bakery that is inside of a grocery store. There are two of us cake decorators, but I usually work the bulk of the hours. We take pride in making our cakes as nice as we can, and not just some shitty decorations slapped on a frozen-ass-pre-baked-pre-iced cake... so anyways....

This guy comes in and walks up to the counter, he wants to order a cake. Great. Fantastic. Sure I'd love to help you with that!! /huge grin...

This guy was probably from some country over in the middle east, because his poor excuse for English was more or less going straight over my head leaving me tilting my head to the side like a confused puppy... think Apu from Simpsons... only thicker accent.

Ok so he begins to attempt to order this cake...

Quarter sheet? (8" x 12") fine. It's after this we start running into problems... 

He proceeds to whip out a picture of some double layer 14" round cake w/ cream cheese icing, metallic purple grapes and a wine glass and bottle, and blah blah blah whatever.

For one, the ONLY double layer cakes we make are 8" double layer rounds... that's it.

We don't even do wedding cakes at my store for lack of a delivery van... sorry guy, you're out of luck there. Still want the quarter sheet then? Ok good.

So I originally thought he wanted a photocake, you know one of those cakes you get with a picture on it... since he brought in the picture and all.

Turns out he wanted the cake to look EXACTLY like the one in the picture... um... right well, a quarter sheet is a rectangle and that's a round so... it won't really look like that. What? You want buttercream icing? Oh well, that's fine but that's cream cheese icing in the picture so... it's going to be white and not off-white yellowish... (so far you can probably guess where this is going to go...)

He then proceeds to tell me that he wants the wine glass and the bottle on there too, Ummmmm ooookay well, this is only a quarter sheet, there's not really a ton of space to put that kind of thing on there.

Not ONLY that but this fucker wants the glass AND the bottle out of CAKE... on TOP of the other cake...

Carolanne 024zI don't fucking think so. We don't do sculpture cakes at my store, we may take pride in our cakes but we have a limit.

He started to get pissy w/ me after this... because I was having a hard time understanding what it was he wanted.. ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT!?

So after I had the order form filled out to the BEST of my abilities... I repeat it back to him to make sure it's right.

Me: Okay so we have a quarter sheet marble cake, with buttercream icing, you want a wine glass and a bottle out of purple icing (omg gross... nasty ass shit.... purple icing takes like what i would guess battery acid would taste like b/c of all the food coloring... and he's going to have HUGE mounds of it on his cake... oh well not my problem...) airbrushed lightly with silver... some grapes and vines also airbrushed lightly with silver, and Writing Happy Birthday on the cake in script in purple, and your <impossible to pronounce Indian name here> on the bottle and the year you were born .... your total will be <Price>. Is that correct? (this asshole better be glad I'm not charging him extra for the time it's going to take me to make this thing...)

Him: Wait... no double?

Me: Excuse me?

Him: I want double...

Me: I'm sorry but we don't make double layer quarter sheets, only 8" rounds. You said you wanted a quarter sheet , if you would like to change it that's fine but I can't fit all those decorations on a tiny 8" round.

Him: Oh... well... ok then.

Thank fucking god.

Okay so, I start working on this guy's cake... not EVEN 5 minutes later I get a phone call.. I immediately recognize the voice on the other end... FUCK. now what?!?!? ///Sigh.. he wanted to make sure I had the order correct... whatever dude, let me do my damn job kthx.

Carolanne 010aaI spent an HOUR and a FUCKING HALF doing this asshole's cake... that's like 5-6 times longer than it usually takes me for an intricate order... I made SURE it was as perfect as I could POSSIBLY get it. So that asshole wouldn't complain.

A few hours later.. he comes into the store again.

Me: Oh did you want to pick up your cake early? (it was for tomorrow pick up...)

Him: No, I want to see it to see how it's coming...

Me: Oh, okay well, (resisting huge urge to just stab this guy in the face w/ my huge ass cake knife...)

This is where I learned from my co-worker that he's been a problem before and has been known to come in and "look at his cake" and then leave it if he doesn't like what he sees.

Me: Are you going to -take- your cake?

Him: Well... I wasn't going to right now but....

Me: Well... SIR... if you want to see your cake you need to take it. This is not food network. I am not Duffy. This is not a "specialty" cake shop. If you would like your cake now that's perfectly fine, however, I don't have time to be running back and forth to get your approval.

Him: Ok.... well, I take now.

I run to the cooler and grab his cake. I show it to him and he has the FUCKING nerve to complain about it right off the bat.... the urge to stab is getting higher...

Him: The side, it is too white. Can you put more silver on?

Me: Sure.... /Grit my teeth while I get airbrush and put a light coating of silver on the side.... how's that?

Him: Still too white a bit more...

//applies a bit more... eyes going red....

Carolanne 008Him: //scrutinizing look... but now... now it's too dirty looking. Can you take some off?

This is where I just blew my top.. I was so pissed, but while STILL being somewhat polite as I POSSIBLY could manage and not look like a COMPLETE bitch... as I would get written up...

Me: Look. you TOLD me to put more silver on there because YOU thought it was too white. I can't just "take it off" it's airbrush!! That would require stripping the ENTIRE cake and starting all over. If you don't want your cake, pick something out of the case and I'll write on it for you, but I am not adding anything to it, and I am NOT remaking your cake simply because I did exactly what YOU told me to do.

Needless to say he took the cake and paid full price. I haven't seen him back since. A

nd I hope, for his own safety, that he doesn't show his face again or I will downright refuse to make another cake for that picky-ass douchebag...¬.¬

Not to mention that knife I spoke about earlier....

--Cake Bitch