Hell Mart - But I Want The Display!


This story was originally posted on December 14, 2009


HellmartFrom The Malmart Peon

Hi Carolanne, Freddy, and Jason! 

I'm a huge fan of Retail Hell Underground, and today I finally had a customer who is worthy of this incredible site.

We'll call her psychotic bitch-lady. 

See, I work at Malmart, that store that's taking over the world and can't use the smiley-face logo because it can't be copyrighted. And at Malmart, the customer is always right. Even when they're wrong. 

And psychotic bitch-lady knew that. 

Five minutes before the end of my shift her and her husband walk up to the speedy check-out I'm manning, and drop a clear box with what looks like a febreeze candle, aerosol can, reed diffuser, and flameless votive thingy on my counter.

The plastic is removable and really smudged, and there's a sticker with a vendor's phone number on the back of the container.

Now, psychotic bitch-lady and her incredibly abused husband explain that it was supposed to be nine dollars, but they want a discount because the plastic is smudged and it looks like people have been using it.

I looked at the box, then back at them, and then at the box.  And then I said "Ma'am, this is a display. We can't sell this, because it's fake. You can't actually use these products."

Yes fellow retail employees, she grabbed the display.

And it doesn't stop there.

No, she insisted that it was for sale because there was a sign below it which said nine dollars, and that she wanted it.

"Yes ma'am, but it's fake. There's nothing in these bottles, and the candle is rubber. If you left a reed diffuser open like that it would dry up very quickly."

At that moment one of our assistant managers happens to walk by, and psychotic bitch-lady latched on to the assistant manager and insisted on showing her where this crazy person found the display. 

Dumbass 2Later the unlucky assistant manager informed me that psychotic bitch-lady kept on saying that "she wanted it."

Okay, so when did repeating something over and over again change reality?!

Seriously, we were trying to save her money, and she bitched at the assistant manager, and then at a CSM about the assistant manager, and then told me that she was going to go yell at her husband!!

WHAT THE FUCK?! How dumb do you have to be?!

I was hoping that they would tell me to sell it to her, so I could inform her that when she discovers that it's not real she cannot return it, as it was a nine dollar stupid tax. 

I need a drink.  Or a cigarette.  Or both.  Yeah, both sounds good. 

Yours eternally,

--The Malmart Peon


Read more HellMart stories here!

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Retail Hell Memories: Dumbass Customers - Does It Plug Into The Wall?


This story was originally posted on November 24, 2009


Dumbass 1From Walmart's Bi***" (not to be confused with RHU blogger Walmart Bitch):

I work at a Walmart on the west coast and I swear the custys are idiots.

I work as 2nd shift In-stock which means that as part of my job, I pull pallets out to the floor. Now typically these pallets can vary anywhere from 200 pounds to 2500 pounds, and this means that they are HARD to stop.

Custys like to stand in the middle of the aisle and EVEN though they can clearly see you coming they still refuse to move even when you say "excuse me please" 4-5 times. Then they glare at you for even DARING to ask them to move.

OR they move an inch or two. I mean COME ON my pallet is about 2 feet wide, and the aisle is 2 feet 1 inch wide. I still need you to move out of the aisle.

Then when you're walking by a department, they ambush you asking your for help even though you have NEVER worked in that department. Ok, I'll help you if I can and usually I can since I've been there for two years.

But the other day I had a DUMBA** custy.

She asks me if this stereo plugs into the wall. So I look at the display model, which is RIGHT ABOVE THE STEREO DISPLAY, and see that yes, it does plug into the wall.

She then asks if it comes with the power cord.


Freddy Holy CrapDUH! It comes with a power cord! It's not as if power cords are interchangeable. I mean, you can't take a power cord from a computer and plug into a radio or vice versa.

She then asks if she can OPEN THE F***ING BOX and check to make SURE it comes with one!

This makes me wish to do violence upon her, because she just hit a VERY personal pet peeve of mine. I tell her to ask an electronics associate to open it for her since I cannot.

I then continue to pull my pallet out to the sales floor.

A few minutes later I see her getting a totally different radio than the one she was looking at.

Man I hate custys, and the stupid will just get worse closer to the holidays.

Anyway happy holiday hell everyone.

--"Walmart's Bi***


Read more Dumbass Customer stories here!


Crazy Customer Night at Hellmart



From Bubble Girl, February 2010:

I want to tell you about the crazy-ass customers I had last night!

Since I've worked at Wal-Fart longer than most of the people on my shift (hell, I've trained most of the people on my shift) I usually get stuck doing random customer service at night.  Making keys, mixing paint and (god forbid) cutting fabric for crazy old ladies. 

There is one lady we call "Pain Lady" because something is always hurting on her and she SIMPLY MUST SHARE IT WITH ME. Back braces or broken hands, I don't really care. I get paid to be nice to you, don't forget that you crippled bitch. 

She always wants 10 FUCKING bolts of fabric cut into retarded measurements like 10 and 3/8's of an inch or some bullshit. 

She was in last night and I was basically forced into helping her. 

Whats worse, is that shes a major bible-banger. 

While I'm agnostic, I have nothing against religious people, but stop RUBBING JESUS in my FACE! 

She described each fabrics use in regards to her church's window display while complaining about how her kneecaps were full of cancer or something (I tuned her out). 

Then she asked what church I attend. 

Did I lie and make one up? 

No, because apparently I'm stupid. 

I simply stated that I was agnostic. 


I had to finish cutting her fucking fabric while she TRIED TO SAVE MY SOUL. 

Fuck my life.

I normally work electronics at my local Wal-Fart but last night I was oh-so-overjoyed to go help cashier for a few hours. 

After Pain Lady left, my mortal soul well saved, I thought my night would be better. 


A genuine fucking CRACKWHORE decided to wander the front end for an hour and a half. 

I try to avoid people on drugs and I was following suit well with this skanky ho, until she started molesting the M&Ms display. 



Its the red M&M guy with a hole in his belly to put packs of chocolaty goodness in. 

She was HOLDING his hand at first, really innocent. But then started to STROKE the poor guy's arm. Then rub all over his CROTCH AREA. 


Jesusfuckingchrist WHY ME!?! 

So I had to ask her to stop because all my other customers are watching this with absolute horror on their faces. 

She just kinda looked at me and said "Whaaaaa????" 

Then left the store when I forcefully wheeled the M&M man behind the service desk. 

-Never- in my life have I said anything remotely close to "Ma'am, can you please stop trying to rape the M&M?" 

But I had to last night. 

At least no one invaded my personal space, but still: Fuck you, retail. 

--<3 Bubble Girl






Retail Balls Awards: "Last warning, cut the trash talk..."



From Twink, November 2009:

There are times, when working at Walmart is awesome.  And tonight was one of those nights. 

I was working the Smoke Shop (the name given to the register with the tobacco products ), and around 15 minutes before my shift was to end, a couple of punks walked up to the register. Before the guy in front of them could even finish paying, one of them said "Pack of Newport 100's, and make it quick we're in a mother fuckin hurry got it?"

The following conversation took place:

ME:   "Got your ID?"
CUSTOMER #1:  "Yeah, I got my ID"
CUSTOMER #2:   "We both got our fuckin ID's so we're straight"
ME:  "Watch the language please"
CUSTOMER #2:  "Why?"
ME:  "Because it's rude and disrespectful, and I don't appreciate it"
CUSTOMER #2:  "Why you gotta be such a bitch about it? If we both got our fuckin ID's and the money to pay for our shit, the rest don't matter"
CUSTOMER #1:  "Yeah"
ME:  "Last warning, either cut the trash talk, or find somewhere else to buy your smokes"
CUSTOMER #2:  "This is fucked up bullshit"
**unknown to me, our back and forth has gotten the attention of a manager, who has walked over to the CSM podium so he can hear us, without letting on that he's now paying strict attention to what's going on**
ME:  *walks away from register*
CUSTOMER #1:  "Hey, the Newports are right there" *points*
ME: *walks back to register*  "I know perfectly well where the god damn Newports are.  I'm not about to stand here and let a couple of 19 year old cocksucking pricks act like assholes and expect me to wait on them and let them get the fuck away with it.  There's a gas station across the street,  next place is either Kangaroo or On the Run.  Pick one" *walks away again*
CUSTOMER #2:  "We wanna talk to your manager"
Carolanne2 064CUSTOMER #1: "Yeah, your manager"
MANAGER:  *walks up to the register*  "Something I can do for you gentlemen?"
CUSTOMER #1:  "We wanna make a complaint"
MANAGER:  "Why?"
CUSTOMER #2:  "She's being a bitch"
MANAGER:  "Are you aware I've heard the entire conversation"
CUSTOMER #2:  "Good, then you know what we're talking about"
CUSTOMER #1:  "Yeah dude, you see how she's been treating us"
MANAGER: "Let me get this straight.  You want to file a customer complaint because instead of my cashier overlooking your behavior and letting you get away with it,  she had the balls to call you out on it, and put you in your place?"
CUSTOMER #2:  "Yeah, I mean NO"
CUSTOMER #1:  "Dude, can we just get some smokes?"
MANAGER:  "Sure, at the gas station across the street, or anywhere else you want to go.  Just not here.  You gentlemen need to leave the store now, before I call the cops and have you escorted from the premises. "
*both customers beat a hasty retreat out the door*
ME:  "What if they call in a complaint on the 1-800 number?"
MANAGER:  "I don't think they're that smart.  But if they do I'll tell Steve that you were justifiably provoked, and it was a last resort.  What time are you outta here?"
ME:  "As soon as reset hits"
MANAGER:  "That's what, fifteen minutes from now? You can go ahead and go, no big deal"
ME:  "Awesome!"
MANAGER:  "Have a good night"

ME:  "You too!"







Retail Hell Storm Clouds at Walmart



Posted to RHU July 2008:

Megan from Oklahoma captured this photo with her cell phone of ominous clouds forming over a Walmart. Ominous indeed. We ran the photo through our RHU Retail Hell Scanner to find what was really going on......CLICK HERE.