From Paulina Blart, Mall Security, October, 2010:

Hiya Folks,

Things have been kinda slow over here in the sense that nothing worth posting has happened. We've been extremely busy with stupid people. ie The black Hawaiian chick calling us "haoles" and telling us we're discriminating against her because she's Hawaiian. The little asshole who headbutted a kiosk and his equally asshole like parents who excused it because "he's bipolar." The little fuck that tried to shoulder check me.

Basically just dumb stuff that can be summed up in a sentence.

So in the spirit of Halloween, I've decided to share my run ins with CUSTIES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

As some of you may know, I work the graveyard shift a few times a week by myself.

It didn't used to be that way, I had a partner. The first thing he said to me when he was told I was to be the new graveyard officer was "Do you believe in ghosts?" 

I gave him a funny look "Whhhhhy?" 

He just chuckled and said "You'll see." 

I believe in ghosts but I don't believe everything I hear. I figured it was just a "fuck with the new guy" type of thing.

Every once in a while I would get the feeling of being watched and the hair on the back of my neck would raise. I just chalked it up to being creeped out in a deserted dark mall. 

The first really strange thing that happened was my first black Friday.  Jason2 078a

There was only 2 of us on duty and it was around 2am. No one else was coming in until about 5am. I'm out driving in the jeep when I pass our security office.

I glance at the glass door and see someone in a seurity uniform standing in front of the bulletin board.

Normally I would have convinced myself it was just my partner but unfortunately for me, my partner was in the passenger seat. I ask if he saw what I saw. He didn't. 

I decided to investigate since the most likely scenario was that someone came in early.

No one was in the office and our doors have coded locks. I still wasn't convinced. I knew we had a security guard die on the job a few years back, but I still thought my coworkers were just trying to mess with me.

The incident that made me realize something was going on at the mall, happened when I was by myself.

I was in a back hallway that's about 50ft long, checking an electrical room about halfway down the hallway. It was about 330am and I was resecuring the door when I heard what sounded like an elderly mans voice "excuse me, Miss?"

It sounded like it was right behind me and I responded as I was turning around, "Yeah, whats u...?

There was no one behind me and no one in that hallway.

I even ran to the exit to see if I could find anyone. Absolutely no one was out there and even if there was, they would have to be the fastest person alive to make it out the door before I turned around.

One night my partner sounded a little panicked and asked me to come around in the jeep to pick him up from one of the mall doors.

As I was approaching I saw another man next to him. I figured he had found him wandering the mall and needed some help. 

As I was pulling up I looked down to turn off the radio and unlock the door.  New Freddy 003a

My partner got in and said he "just felt creeped out."

I looked around and asked "where'd that guy go?"

My partner said "What guy?"

Again, there was no where the guy could have gone without bein seen leaving. I tried to convince myself that my partner was trying to mess with me.

After a while, our hours got cut, and there was only one person working the graveyard shift. 

One of my duties is unlocking service doors at 4am.

There was one service door I hated opening.The hallway behind it had no lights and it was a long walk from the jeep. 

Anywho, As I was walking up to this door I smelled the most rank odor.

It was a mixture of porta potty and roadkill. 

I unlocked this door and swing it open. It has a push bar that needs an allen wrench to keep it unlocked.

My key got stuck in the lock on the outside and I looked into the dark hallway.

I swear to this day I saw a black mass darker than the hallway coming towards me. I couldn't tear my eyes away but I was still struggling with this key.

I finally got it unstuck and literally ran back to the jeep, arms waving in the air, screaming and sped off. Carolanne 003

This is the one that was the most terrifying and the one that I still get shit for. It was a blizzard. I was by myself. I was sitting in the office and decided to go out for my 1am smoke break.

Now the office door is glass and when its dark outside and light inside you can see your reflection. 

As I was walking out the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I happened to look at my reflection and saw the most horrifying thing I had ever seen. I ran out of the office with my head down and ran into the middle of one of the parking lot. 

I decided there is no fucking way I am going back into that office. 

I reach in my pocket for the jeep keys and realize I left them in the office. So it's a no-go on the jeep.

So I think "okay... you can juat walk around the mall until your relief gets here"

Not a chance.

Mall keys are right next to the jeep keys in the office.  Jasonmoona

So I think "That's it I'm fucking quiting. I don't get paid for this freaky ass shit and I think I need a young priest and an old priest"

Oh wait! That's right! My car keys are also in the office. 

I stood out in the snow for 3 hours waiting for my relief to come.

When I first started, stuff like that happened all the time. I think the ghosts of the mall just wanted to mess with the new guy, or it's because construction has stopped. 

It happens very little, now that I've been here for so long or maybe I'm just used to it. I went almost 6 months with nothing strange happening. 

There's still certain places that give me the creeps but nothing I can't handle. Those are just a few things but there are tons more.

Have any of you had ghostly experiences at work?

Happy Halloween everyone!



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T'was The Night Before Hallowthanksmas



RHU couponT’was the night before Hallowthanksmas and outside the store,

Lurked crusty old ladies and discount clipping bores.

Ready to mob shelves of product stacked here and there

Eagerly at the doors, these freaks do stare.


When retail slaves should be nestled all snug in their beds,

Instead they man the registers due to the holiday ads.

Kid demands a laptop, Mommy dearest quickly adds a Wii

To silence her hellspawn's screams of "Me, me meee."


Then at the front doors there arose a noise so ample,

We open the doors and pray not to get trampled,

C1 (2)Away to the store racks they flew like a flash,

The decorations now lie strewn, crushed, or smashed.


From one end to the other, lie messes galore,

Sadly not one thing is missed, here in our store.

Into the dressing rooms with horrible ado,

Someone’s abandoned diaper failed to contain all the poo.


And then our spineless, soulless, dear boss

Demanded we cater to their whims at all costs.

More rapid than eagles, their orders they came

They snarled and spat and called us bad names.


A teen demands “This! Sell me this right here!”

“No sir, you're much too young to buy all that beer.

I'm sorry ma’am, you missed what you desired,

Your coupon from last year has long since expired.”


WolfshopperaThe woman shouts “Now faster, now cheaper, hey give that to me!

If my coupon is expired, then my item is now free!

I have no patience, how dare you to defy my will!

You’re hiding my discounts so hurry up and spill!”


As tossed birds before the wild hurricane do fly

We are grabbed, shoved, and battered with nary a sigh.

Back to the break room we carefully try to retreat

Our muscles all aching; halfway through and we’re totally beat.


In the break room, a coworker shivers and cries

Stripped to the underwear by forty customers who tried

To seize one game that someone else wanted

Poor girl; she’s so much more than daunted.


I hear a shout, a curse and a scream

Apparently pepper spray is now the meme.

Sobbing and coughing they stagger their way to me

Apparently it’s all my fault that they can no longer see.


Douched“Hey you! Yeah you! I’m looking for things, you know what they are?

My wife says no more presents from the neighborhood bar.”

“Sorry sir, you know more about your family than I,

Just look around, and there should be something you can spy.”


The doors slam closed with a final crash

Registers are packed full with coupons and cash.

Our slave driving boss grabs his cap and doffs it

Apparently the company’s pleased by the slice of profit.


Freddy MoneyWith a groan and grimace, I look at the litter

Piled higher than me, YES I am bitter.

For I’ll tell you this, in a voice delightfully bland,

There’s no such thing as “Holiday Cheer” in Retail Land.


So the next time at retail slaves you do sneer

Keep in mind this story, my dear.

Words like “Lowlife, no future, inferior”

Belong attached to the one you see in your mirror.




Retail Balls Memories: I Am The Owner



This story was originally posted on April 13, 2009


From Former Retail Slave M

About 20 years ago, I owned and operated my own little corner of retail hell in a very nice mall location. A very nice franchise Pipe and Tobacco shop, walk in humidor blah blah blah. I had only 3-5 employees even during the big Christmas rush. Only once that I can remember in the many years I owned the place did I own my own balls and this story is the day I used them.

Standard Customer rush...3 customers wandering around our small store. I am in the closet of a back room while my assistant manager helps a nice couple. An older man and his mid-20's age daughter.

The phone has been ringing every few minutes all morning and when I pick up the phone I either get a freaking squeeeeeel of a fax machine or someone hangs up. My nerves were on edge waiting to see which it would be next. Phone rings...I the back room remember.

Me: XXX How many I help you?


Me: (Trying to keep my sense of humor...) Well, fuckyouverymuch.

As I hang up the phone, I realize that my voice is loud enough to carry out to the store and I immediately go out and apologize to my assistant, to the customers and to god up above.

The young woman is buying a couple of things for her husband, and laughs off my apology as more chivalrous than needed but the old man is insulted.

Carolanne baldHIM: I am a christian preacher, sir, and I am insulted by the way in which you speak in front of my daughter!

Me: Again sir, I apologize, you're absolutely right, such language has no place -

Her: Daddy, it's ok.

HIM: No, we're not doing business in a store where they use that language.

Me: But sir.

Her: But Daddy, I want to get these for -

He ushers her out the door and I'm standing there with my mouth open. Rats. Missed a sale. I turn to my assistant manager who is also seeing a commission walking out the door and I mutter an apology again. Now, wandering the store is another man about my own age who hears this muttered apology and decides that he needs to add to my hell.Jason 068

Jerk: I have to agree with the preacher. Talking like that in front of customers is terrible!

Me: Well, I was in the back room, AND I did apologize, twice... so I think I did what I could to assuage the situation.

Jerk: Well, maybe the manager or owner should be told of how you talk in front of customers.

Me: (this is where my balls in come into play) Well, I stated, I WAS in the back room, but it so happens that I am the manager, in fact I own this place, so it gives me great pleasure in asking you to take your pompous ass elsewhere.

Jerk: I imagine that the management of this mall would like to hear how you talk in front of your customers!

I snap. I reach up on a shelf where we have pre-printed maps of the mall (it's a new mall) and snatch one down for the Jerk, laying it out on the counter.

Me: Ok, here we are (circling our shop) and here is the Mall Office (I circle it for the Jerk and make a dotted line between the two while explaining) You just walk around the fountain there and down the hall. Ask for Mr. Smith. (Handing the map to the Jerk, who, oddly enough, takes it and looks at it)

Now, you go down there and you try and explain to Mr. smith how he has ANYTHING to say about how I run my business!Carolanne 012

The customer leaves and I quickly pick up the phone and call the Mall Manager (who I know as a friend) I tell him the whole story and He just sighs. Oddly enough, the jerk never showed up at the Mall office. My employees called me Psycho for a few weeks after the encounter.

--Former Retail Slave M


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Cashier Hell: Holiday Fistfight



From Norelle, December, 2008:

Kind of funny story I thought I'd share-- and it has a happy ending!
We're allowed to wear Holiday t shirts and sweaters and such to work for the month of december and I was taking up the company's offer by wearing a Hanukkah t-shirt that poked fun at a secular Christmas tradition- it had a bunch of presents in front of a big menorah and it said "Santa Schmanta" on it.

I'm not really Jewish, but I'm not really Christian either, and I thought the shirt was cute, and the Jewish customers often complain that they feel underrepresented around the holidays and the company was ok with it.

Of course, in order to make sure that all people continue to take themselves too seriously, a lady decides to find my tshirt offense. She spews off all sorts of anti-semitic stuff and says i'm the spawn of Satan, destroying good Christian principles like Santa Claus.

I'm a little shocked by this out of the blue bitchfest, so I'm silent and trying to think of something to say that will even penetrate her skull, when the lady behind her, took offense to what she was saying.

The two ladies started yelling at each other, and the anti-semitic lady threw a punch (well, it was more of a limp slap with two inch fingernails, but you get what I'm saying) and these two ladies end up in an all out, rolling on the floor, scratching, hair pulling, catfight, right on the front end of the store. 

I call security, and they call the local police. Security separated the two women by the time the police got there, and the police walked them out, and asked them not to return unless they could behave themselves. 



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Retail Hell Memories: Party Store Snow Globe Hell


This story was originally posted on December 12, 2009


SnowglobeshellAnother story from Holiday Hell to warm the cockles of your weary retail hearts.

It's always an amazing thing when a crew gets a Manager they love and a Manager gets a crew they love back!

I've been fortunate enough to have had that experience and it's the one of the things that gets us all through Retail Hell at the end of the day.

This story is from Melissa. It's long, but well worth the ending...

A few years ago I worked as an Assistant Manager at a major Party supply store that is now out of business. I started two weeks before Halloween that year so instead of trial by fire I was given a tube of burn cream and a pat on the back.

Halloween was absolutely horrible but I made it through to the day after. Now anyone who works in retail knows what happens the day after Halloween - The Christmas decorations come out!

Due to the massive re-zoning, stocking, etc.., every manager and 75% of the staff was on duty, and things were going very well. All the managers chipped in and bought pizza for the whole crew as a "Thanks for a job well done".

This was a Saturday night, and the store closed at 9:00pm.

At 8:45pm, an elderly woman came in to browse our collection of Christmas decorations. While doing a walk through I noticed her "wandering", so I stopped and asked if I could help her find anything.

She explained to me that the previous Christmas, she had bought several miniature snow globes and absolutely loved them, and was hoping that we had them again this year.

Now I had done inventory earlier that day and knew we had the snow globes in the back, but they could not be put out on the shelf until the next day (Sunday) due to the way our ad ran.

I explained to her about them not being out because of not being entered into the system and they would not ring up in the register until tomorrow morning, but being one of those "above and beyond" customer service people, I told her I might be able to get them for her. I told her I could bring the boxes out for her to go through and she could choose which ones she wanted and pay me cash for them. I explained that we could figure the price plus tax, she could pay me the amount, and I would just ring the sale through in the morning after the SKUS came up in the system.

The customer was very happy about this, and even said "That's why I come to this store, because of the great service I get."

I told her that I would go get a case and come back in a few minutes.

CglobeNow let me explain about these snow globes. They are the bane on my existence. The store actually had a straw drawing contest to determine who puts them on the shelves.

The snow globes are approximately 2in by 2in, and they came packaged - individually - in a styrofoam container. Inside the styrofoam container, they are wrapped in heat sealed plastic.

They are the biggest bitch, as each globe has to be cut out of the styrofoam, and then cut out of the plastic wrap. Each case comes with 60 of the packages in it, and we had five cases total. There was no rhyme or reason to which design of snow globe was in what package; you had to open each one to see the exact design.

I HATE those fucking things!

I go and get the dolly and one of the stock guys, and we bring the case out.

By this time it is five minutes til closing and my crew is getting antsy to close up and go home. So I open the case and make small talk with this woman. I ask her if she is looking for anything particular, and she said she just wanted to see the new designs.

I open the first couple of packages, and the customer agrees that they are very lovely, but that she would like to see what else we have. I should have stabbed myself in the neck with my exacto knife then and there!

I open another three packages, and she picks one out and places it to the side.

She then wants me to open all the packages in the case to see if there is some different design hidden at the bottom of the stack. Because, yea lady, the special golden fucking ticket one is hidden in the middle of the bottom of the case!

I explain that there is only 6 different designs of the snow globes, but she argues that there were 10 last year, and she wants to see all of them.

By now it is ten minutes past closing, and my crew is politely hovering around like vultures on a fresh kill. Company policy forbids anyone being in the store alone, so I have to keep at least one person there with me, plus I still have to total out the drawers and do my deposits.

I open another five packages and explain to this woman that I need to excuse myself for a moment to sign out my crew. She seemed fine with this, and I told her I would be back in a few minutes.

C1 (2)I gather the crew and send the non-cashier employees home. I explain that I need to total the cashier's drawers before they can go, and that I need one person to stay with me until I left. Luckily one of the big stock guys volunteered, so it wasn't an issue.

I send him out to assist the lady while I'm trying to get the drawers and drop bag done. Not five minutes later the stock guy comes back and says the words no manager EVER wants to hear - "You better come see this."

I leave the most senior crew member in charge of watching the money and head out to the floor. As we are walking across the store, stock guy is trying very hard not to laugh. I know it's bad and he won't tell me what's wrong.

I turn the corner and see it - the huge fucking mess strewn down the aisle and no lady in sight.

This lady had opened EVERY package in the case (With her bare hands!) and had thrown the styrofoam packing down one half of the aisle and the plastic wrap down the other.

The overwhelming feeling of wanting to stab someone overcomes me. I go in search of stock boy and the customer, and find them three aisles over. I ask the lady if she found what she was looking for, and she looks at me and says -
"No, I think I will wait until you put them up on display. It will be easier to decide then."

I actually saw red.

Still being in polite mode and on probation, I explain to her that the store is closed and that she is welcome to come back tomorrow after we get them on the shelves.

She then asks for my name, so she can have me personally assist her when she returns.

I thank her for her business and escort her out.

As I close and lock the door, I hear the outburst of laughter from the entire crew.

I'm not one to cuss at my crew but that night I let it slip.Maxglobe

FreddyglobeI said "The next mother fucker that laughs will be the one cleaning this shit up!"

No one outrightly laughed but were still snickering. Luckily they all knew I was not mad at them and didn't take it personally.

By now it is 9:35, and the crew was supposed to be out of there by 9:30 at the latest.

I still have the drawers to do, the drop bag to finish, and now an entire aisle landfill of trash to clean. I have never cried at work but I was damn close that night. I decide that the first priority is to get the drawers done and the cashiers out of there, and the trash can wait.

I go back to the office and start totaling the drawers, and one of the cashiers ask if they can step out back for a smoke break.

I tell her that is fine, but that I don't want her outside by herself. The other cashiers and stock boy volunteer to go stand with her, and I start working on the drawers.

By the time I finish the drawers and drop bag it is 10:10.

I seal everything up in the safe and go searching for my crew. The back door is locked and there is no one in sight. I start walking the floor and can hear them in the far aisle.

JasonglobeAs I come around the corner, I see the entire crew has come together to clean up the mess.

They had cleaned the aisle spotless, returned the snowglobes to the styrofoam, and had repacked the case.

I thanked them profusely, told them that I would buy them all pizza, and explain to the big boss why they were so over on their time.

Then, the little quiet girl that doesn't talk much says - "Oh don't worry about it, we all clocked out at 9:40. You needed the help and we helped, don't worry about it. But you're the only manager we would do this for".

This time I wanted to cry in a good way.

We left, and the next night I bought them all a huge pizza feast out of my own pocket and even called the people on their days off to come in and get some.

So this is my customer from hell story but in the end it turned out alright.

Goes to show you, treat your crew right and they'll treat you right.

But I still refuse to put the snow globes out.


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