Medical Clinic Hell: Dumbass Patients

 

RHSEPT 297

From February, 2010:


Hiedi here-

I currently work as the head RN of a medical practice ran by 5 doctors, all who are friends.  One doc, however, the one who hired me-when this practice first opened 8 years ago, is a piece of work onto himself.  But that is not why I am writing, at least not today.

The medical clinic I work at serves as a primary care clinic for the locals. We also serve as an urgent care clinic. 2 of the 5 doctors are dentists, one who is basically a dental surgeon. We have an in house lab, the ability to set broken bones, (depending on the severity of the broken bone) do x-rays, minor surgeries, stitches, minor to major dental work, Colonoscopy’s (shoving a camera up peoples butts and down their throats for cancer and other screenings is not the highlight of my day) and stuff like well baby checkups, strep throat treatment, pap smears (also not one of the highlights of my job) and physical exams for bus drivers or whoever needs one for work or non work related purposes and we have stuff like an in house lab for blood work. You get the picture.

My job continually convinces me that the only thing certain in life other than death and taxes is the nature of human stupidity. 

I have nothing against heavy people. If you obese and happy, great. I had a gentleman come in, who weighed around 550 pounds, who complained of a skin rash on the folds of his skin.  From the smell of the rash, it looked like a fungal infection to me.

I began to examine the irritated skin, (thank god for gloves) and as I lifted one of his folds of fat where it was the worst, a turkey sandwich fell out.

The man figured it was a month old. The smell and mold confirmed it. I threw it out, gave him some cream and told him to clean the area and put the cream on it irritated skin.

I had another patient come in, complaining that his butt was hurting. He was 21. I took him to xray. I let the xray develop, but wasn’t in the room when the Doc came to look at them.  I heard the Doc treating this guy go “OH MY GOD” and went to see what the issue was. 

OCTOCAROL 057The man’s rectum and entire colon was a solid mass. 

Thinking he had some advanced stage of cancer, I hurried back into the room to ask him how long this had been going on and to give me some more info (we were busy, I didn’t get a chance to get many details from him before the xray) and the man turned 5 shades of red. 

I gently explained we can’t help him properly unless we know when this pain in his rear end started and how long it’s been going on.

That’s when the truth came out. 

He and his boyfriend of 5 weeks recently began having sex. 

After one too many beers the night before, one of them had the bright idea to pour fast drying cement mix down a funnel into his rectum. 


Where it dried. 

Under local anesthesia, two of the docs (one of them is a former trauma surgeon who got tried of the wild hours the ER provided) and myself were able to remove the perfect mold of his colon. 

And one ping pong ball.

I had a young female patient, who was 26. She seemed fine, and I came in to take her blood pressure and such, I asked her what the problem was.

She explained she was having unexplained pain in her cooch area. 

Oh great, I thought, another vaginal exam. 

I asked her if it was okay to do a vaginal exam on her, and that we have a female doc working that day if she would be more comfortable with her rather than one of the male drs. She asked for the female doc. 

I let her get undressed and handed her a gown, and when we were ready, I go Sue, our only female doc on staff. 

It didn’t take long to figure out what was causing her woes. 

A set of car keys. 

The woman explained she didn’t want her boyfriend taking her car so she hid them where “he never goes.”

--You local RN

 

 

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Customer Kindness: A stranger made me cry for my birthday

 

Carolanne 005

From u/MuseMania, Tales From Retail:

So I work in a hospital as an administration officer/admissions clerk. I know it's not retail, but sometimes it may as well be with the amount of people we interact with. I have a lot of crazy stories from working at reception, but this one is my favourite out of any job I've ever had.

To preface, it was my 21st birthday last Saturday, and my coworkers organised a surprise set of flowers to be delivered while I was at work on Friday. Overwhelmed with emotion, I went out to the front reception to give my colleague a hug to say thank you. The conversation went like this: (M is me, C is colleague and OG is older gentleman)

M: Thanks so much for the flowers!

OG who was standing at the desk: What's the occasion?

C: Oh it's MuseMania's 21st birthday tomorrow!

OG: Well it's not every day that you turn 21, happy birthday! When I was 21, my grandmother bought me a Rolex watch. I never wore it very often because I knew how special it is. Recently I had it valued and it's worth between $5000-$20000!

C and I expressed our amazement and OG left.

Now this was a lovely interaction but I didn't think much of it afterwards until I came back to work the next week.

I was unwell over the weekend so I didn't return to work until the Wednesday. When I arrived back, my colleague told me that OG had been looking for me on Monday and Tuesday, but was discharged so he didn't catch me before he left. However, she led me out the back and showed me a little envelope with a package inside. She beamed and told me to open it. Inside was a brand new watch and a note that said: "I know it's not a Rolex, but happy 21st birthday! From OG."

I'm not going to lie, I stood out there and cried for a good five minutes. Sometimes all it takes is one good customer to make up for every other bad customer you get. I've never been so grateful :)

Here is a photo of it 😊 http://imgur.com/5k6Qp0o

--u/MuseMania

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Tales From The Clinic: Curing Ringworm

 

PET13

From Hiedi:

Recently, I had this 22 year old come into to our clinic.  And I won the lottery to see him.  His chief complaint was a rash on right forearm that had been there about 2 weeks. This was his first visit for the issue, and hadn't had anything like this before and was worried.

When asking about prior skin issues, he told me he looked up his symptoms on Webmd, and thought he had ringworm. 

So I take a better look at his arm, and it looked like a mild second degree chemical burn in a rather circular shape, with blisters on the edges.

I made the mistake of asking how that happened. 

He told me:  "Well that's the burn I got from the bleach I poured on my arm".

When I asking him WHY he poured bleach on his arm:

"Well how else was I going to kill the ringworm?"

*EYE ROLL*

 

--Hiedi

 

 

 


The Question

 

Carolanne2 019

From The Key Oracle:

   Yesterday while trying to step up a curb and around a planter my foot caught on something and my brain decided that this would be a fine time to conduct an experiment where it would try to crack a concrete sidewalk by hitting it really hard with my forehead. The results of this experiment were predictable. The concrete was not impressed in the slightest whereas my forehead developed a bruise over a rapidly expanding lump which eventually grew to the size of Montana.

   The good news is that this experiment has now been done so there is no reason for anyone reading this to repeat it. I definitely would not recommend it.

   The bad news is, "now what?" I am not a big fan of going to the hospital however I know as soon as my wife sees my head she is going to insist that I go. I did consider wearing a hat for the next couple of weeks but she is always suspicious of anything unusual I do (which is just about everything) so I quickly realized that would not work. Bowing to the inevitable I turned myself in and as soon as she saw it we were off to Immediate-care. I am old after all and she thinks that I am fragile.

   It seems that after you reach a certain age and stupidly damage yourself that everyone in the medical profession has to ask “The Question” which is, “Are you depressed or have you thought about hurting yourself?”

   Well (I think) I have this big painful knot on my head and I am mildly depressed about that. Also during my 50 years in retail I have often wistfully thought of harming others, but harming myself seems to be pretty counter-productive so I answer “No” and “No” to the lady at the reception desk.

   Let me warn you, if you are ever asked “The question” do not hesitate to answer it or try to joke about it. Otherwise you may find yourself in a room with a door that only opens from the outside while trying to convince someone that you are not a danger to yourself or others. This is not a huge amount of fun and it takes a long time.

   Eventually a nurse takes me to an examination room to ask me what this is all about, get my medical information, and ask “The question” again. Shortly after that the doctor arrives to ask me “The question” a third time. Then I have to do a bunch of calisthenics to prove that my brain and body are still on speaking terms which I apparently pass.

   At this point she tells me that everything seems fine but that I really whacked my head (I know, I was there) and I must go to the emergency room for a head scan to make sure, so off my wife and I go.

   Once there I am asked “The question” by the receiving clerk, the nurse taking me to the exam room and the doctor when he arrives, which I answer correctly all 3 times so I guess my brain is still at least marginally functional. I am asked to repeat the same calisthenics I did an hour earlier and then I get a free wheelchair ride to the scanner to see if my head really contains anything or is just a vacuum.

   Apparently all is fine. On my way out I am asked if I am in a lot of pain and if I would like enough drugs to tranquilize a rhino. I reply that it does not hurt all that much but I really do not like drugs, so no. They appear to be surprised and skeptical at my answer (Who turns down drugs? Why else go the ER?) but this is not enough of a reason to hold me so they set me free.

   Once we get home my wife informs me that for the foreseeable future I am not allowed to do anything, with the possible exception of breathing, until she is sure that enough time has passed that I am not going to suddenly die. After a day of pleading she relents enough to allow me to sit at the computer.

   So here I am posting just for something to do.

--The Key Oracle