Crazy People Hell: An Innocent Misunderstanding Over A Jacket

Creepy headFrom: Imitation Bacon

Insecurity's recent story reminded me of the following that happened while I was a security officer at my last mall.

We had a large number of (elderly) mall walkers who, despite us asking repeatedly, would leave their jackets, hats and umbrellas on whatever surface they chose in the common area of the mall; benches, potted plants, display stands, you name it. Sometimes items would be there for hours, and we would assume they were forgotten and put them in lost and found, only to have an angry mall walker complain about their jacket being 'stolen.'

Sometimes they really were stolen, and there was jack we could do about it, because we had WARNED them not to leave things laying around. The mall walkers even told us that they EXPECTED security to watch their items!

Cue the day an innocent man in the mall submitting his resumes saw an abandoned jacket on a bench. He brought it to the security office, but we were on patrol. He was heading to the main mall office so they could contact us when he was almost physically attacked by the jackets' owner, who was a mall walker. Security actually came upon the scene to see her screaming at him about how all 'his kind' are thieves, she's calling the police, etc.'

Once we got the story we explained to her that there was no crime, this was a misunderstanding, and she should not have left her jacket unattended. We tried to rationalize to her that WHY would he be looking for security while holding a 'stolen' jacket?

She called the police anyway, and the poor man had to explain his story again to them. They agreed with us; misunderstanding. She was still frothing like a rabid badger and kept insisting that it was 'obvious' he was a thief because he was 'one of them.' (I don't know if she was referring to accent, skin color, etc. but he was polite, neatly dressed and well spoken). She finally had to be told to leave the mall, which didn't sit well with her, but we made sure she got in her car and left.

We apologized to the poor man for the way she treated him. Some of those mall walkers were very nasty people! Ironically, he had been looking for Security anyway to submit his resume, as he had previous experience! That's a first impression that will really stick with us!

--Imitation Bacon

InSecurity's Misadventures With Crappy Christmas Music And The Missing Remote

C36InSecurity here, with a tale of maddening Christmas music.

Back when I was working with SWAT, Bass, and Meathead, management decided it was a good idea to be festive and play Christmas music.

Instead of buying a service to pipe it in, they decided to get one of the cheap "stereo systems" sold at big box retailers with a 5 disc changer. They put it up high, in the nice vaulted lobby above the door, and then nestled it amidst some nice fluffy cotton with sparkly bits and minuscule bristle brush artificial trees. The five flavors were two discs featuring modern pop stars covering standards, one disc of old pop-stars covering the same standards, one disc of flavorless generic-pony-tailed-white-guy jazz carols, and one classical instrumental of carols.

Why god, oh why is the modern pop stars song catalogue have five songs in it and eight songs on a disc? And why God is it that every little pop starlet decides to sing "Santa Baby," poorly?

Back to the story, this nice little stereo system had a remote so it could be controlled, but somebody in management decided to put it somewhere safe. After all, giving it to security where they have a clear view of said stereo would just be crazy.

C27vxOne day, there was a grade-school choir coming in to sing in the lobby. As you can probably guess, nobody knew where the remote was. Due to a minor "plumbing emergency" both engineering and janitorial were occupied as well as our ladders. Management managed to cobble together a solution involving a telescoping squeegee pole, packing tape, a pencil, and quite a few rather humorous attempts to shut down the stereo system.

Two days later, after they found the remote, it was given to security; half of swing shift, and most of the grave shift became blissfully silent.

In conclusion: no matter the version, "Baby, Its Cold Outside," is hella rapey, while I know that, "All You Want for Christmas," is me, that song is not the way to express it, and finally, I'm pretty sure they "Know This is Christmas," so shut the fuck up.


InSecurity Shares A Memory About A Coworker

Jason my nameInSecurity here, if you don't know, the lowest form of life in the security world is not the newbie, its the wannabe. They wannabe a cop! Oh joy!

Then they can arrest everybody who ever wronged them, ever! [Insert facepalm here.] Everything we can do is delegated to us by the property/business owner and comes from property rights. We have no police powers. We are Fakin' Bacon at best, don't think you're the real deal.

While I was working with SWAT and Bass, another officer was there whom we called Meathead. He wasn't stupid, he just had a living arrangement a la "All in the Family." He wasn't a bad dude, just a little bit too obsessed with wanting to be a cop. He would tell tales about how he got to "arrest" these druggies he went to high school with during a ride along. And there was a car chase! And a gun battle! Wheee!

The real kicker for Meathead, was when he told us he would pull people over. He was a volunteer for Search and Rescue and because of that had an amber light bar on top of his truck. When he saw somebody "speeding" he would flash his lights and pull them over to lecture them about speeding.

Years later I saw him on a news report about a shooting of a gas station clerk. He was a trucker who used the service station a lot and was talking about the attendant who was shot. It might not be as "glamorous" as being a cop, but I think its pretty damn honorable to work hard so that your family can eat.


When Security Doesn't Do It's Job, V'Ger Overlord Gets Grouchy

Bookstore SlaveDearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bear witness to the story of how I got downright fucking pissed at Security officers. It was back in the days of the D-GAS scrub store.

With no managers, the opener and the closer got a key; namely, I or an employee we shall call Dumbass would close, and Single Mom would open after getting the kiddos off to school.

Oh, also relevant; the hallways behind the stores. To recap: they are there to let employees transport trash and/or cash throughout most of the mall without exposing themselves to mall traffic and the danger of having their tills taken from them by NATs. These are mazes and even the most experienced mall slave is apt to get turned around due to the sameness of every hallway and the lack of store names on the doors that you may pass.

So, after closing, we creep out the back door, deposit in a bank slot a hallway and innumerable turns away, return, sign out, grab our shit, make sure the door is locked, and go home.

The store closes at 9. You have to count down the till (easily half an hour because after one person counts it, a second employee has to re-count it and confirm it) and clean up the store in the time left. Then there's the hallway run and depositing. By the time we're on the road home it's just after 10pm. Midnight on holidays.

Dumbass counts. I confirm. We clean, deposit, return, grab our gear and prepare to go. Dumbass closes the door behind us.

Why all this detail you ask? Because this is the list of events leading to what made me snap like a twig.

I get home, and my parents are already unconscious. They've prepared and left me a plate of something that is now cold, but still edible for dinner. I eat. I brush my teeth, shower and crawl into bed.






Kicking clear of my blankets I charge down the hall and grab the phone as my parents make sleepy complaining noises.

In a deadly calm voice: If this is a telemarketer, I swear I will hunt your ass down and they will never find the pieces!

Carolanne axeSilence.

Me: Hello?!

Security: Is this Ilia?

Me: *growl* Yes. 

Security: The back door to your store isn't locked. We need you to lock it.

Me: You waited until 2 am to tell me this? The store closed at 9. we left at 10. Why did it take until 2 am for you to realize this?

Security: *persnickety* Because that's when we do the first patrol.

Four hours later? Are you fucking kidding me? You leave the stores unchecked for four hours in a mall that never locks its front doors?!

For the record, the massive main hallways are left easily accessible for the health nuts that show up between 4 am and 9 am to jog back and forth and up and down stairs in a safe, sheltered environment. There is, however, nothing more than unsecured swinging doors between a determined NAT and the back hallways.

Security: We need you to come down and lock the door. We tried to call Dumbass, but she's not answering.

Me: *thinking* You know what? I should have followed her example. *out loud* Yeah, okay, I'll be there in 30 minutes.

Muttering and swearing, I get dressed.

Dad: Where are you going in the middle of the damn night?

I explain to him.

Dad: Wait, I'm getting dressed too. If Security took this long to find a problem, I don't trust them to keep you safe in a parking lot in the middle of the night.

So we drive through the deserted city to freeway, and into the next city over, and show up at the employee entrance to the back hallways. It's locked, and I don't have the key to this door. Security drives up and throws the headlights upon me.

These particular folks are apparently completely unaware that there's a door inside in need of locking, and I have to explain the situation before they call on the radio for confirmation. I'm eventuallylet in.

I open the door, reach in and spin the little locking button. Because the place is so cheapass, the alarm only covers the main part of the store, and the teeny hallway that makes up the "breakroom" where, also, boxes of shit are stored, is not.

I close the door and jiggle the handle to the satisfaction of the security officer who followed me. Being followed, I cannot complain about; this made sense since they didn't know me from Eve and didn't want someone to run about in the back hallways without a chaperone.

Carolanne chugHowever, I was also not happy with having to get up, drive, and lock a damn door that had a manual lock. Even allowing for the unknown factor of the alarm not covering that part of the store... four fucking hours? What were they DOING for that long? Even waiting till 11, to make sure that everyone had gone home, would have made perfect sense.

Me: Please let the other security personnel know that they need to check much sooner than 2 am. I do NOT appreciate calls this late over something that could have been resolved much sooner.

By the time I got back to bed, it was after 3 am. I got up at 7am the next morning.

And if anyone wonders, I got two more calls to the store due to Dumbass not checking the back doors before I left that job.

May all your customers be nice,

RHU Halloween Classic:Tales From a Haunted Mall

From the catacombs of RHU Hell comes Paulina Blart's Tales From a Haunted Mall. It was orginally posted on October 31 2010 and I've decided to make it a yearly Halloween thing because I'd like you all to share your haunting stories in the comments! And all the better if they happened where you work....Enjoy Paulina and have a Happy Halloween!

Hiya Folks,

Things have been kinda slow over here in the sense that nothing worth posting has happened. We've been extremely busy with stupid people. ie The black Hawaiian chick calling us "haoles" and telling us we're discriminating against her because she's Hawaiian. The little asshole who headbutted a kiosk and his equally asshole like parents who excused it because "he's bipolar." The little fuck that tried to shoulder check me.

Basically just dumb stuff that can be summed up in a sentence.

So in the spirit of Halloween, I've decided to share my run ins with CUSTIES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

As some of you may know, I work the graveyard shift a few times a week by myself.

It didn't used to be that way, I had a partner. The first thing he said to me when he was told I was to be the new graveyard officer was "Do you believe in ghosts?" 

I gave him a funny look "Whhhhhy?" 

He just chuckled and said "You'll see." 

I believe in ghosts but I don't believe everything I hear. I figured it was just a "fuck with the new guy" type of thing.

Every once in a while I would get the feeling of being watched and the hair on the back of my neck would raise. I just chalked it up to being creeped out in a deserted dark mall. 

The first really strange thing that happened was my first black Friday.  Jason2 078a

There was only 2 of us on duty and it was around 2am. No one else was coming in until about 5am. I'm out driving in the jeep when I pass our security office.

I glance at the glass door and see someone in a seurity uniform standing in front of the bulletin board.

Normally I would have convinced myself it was just my partner but unfortunately for me, my partner was in the passenger seat. I ask if he saw what I saw. He didn't. 

I decided to investigate since the most likely scenario was that someone came in early.

No one was in the office and our doors have coded locks. I still wasn't convinced. I knew we had a security guard die on the job a few years back, but I still thought my coworkers were just trying to mess with me.

The incident that made me realize something was going on at the mall, happened when I was by myself.

I was in a back hallway that's about 50ft long, checking an electrical room about halfway down the hallway. It was about 330am and I was resecuring the door when I heard what sounded like an elderly mans voice "excuse me, Miss?"

It sounded like it was right behind me and I responded as I was turning around, "Yeah, whats u...?

There was no one behind me and no one in that hallway.

I even ran to the exit to see if I could find anyone. Absolutely no one was out there and even if there was, they would have to be the fastest person alive to make it out the door before I turned around.

One night my partner sounded a little panicked and asked me to come around in the jeep to pick him up from one of the mall doors.

As I was approaching I saw another man next to him. I figured he had found him wandering the mall and needed some help.

New Freddy 054

As I was pulling up I looked down to turn off the radio and unlock the door. 


My partner got in and said he "just felt creeped out."

I looked around and asked "where'd that guy go?"

My partner said "What guy?"

Again, there was no where the guy could have gone without bein seen leaving. I tried to convince myself that my partner was trying to mess with me.

After a while, our hours got cut, and there was only one person working the graveyard shift. 

One of my duties is unlocking service doors at 4am.

There was one service door I hated opening.The hallway behind it had no lights and it was a long walk from the jeep. 

Anywho, As I was walking up to this door I smelled the most rank odor.

It was a mixture of porta potty and roadkill. 

I unlocked this door and swing it open. It has a push bar that needs an allen wrench to keep it unlocked.

My key got stuck in the lock on the outside and I looked into the dark hallway.

I swear to this day I saw a black mass darker than the hallway coming towards me. I couldn't tear my eyes away but I was still struggling with this key.

I finally got it unstuck and literally ran back to the jeep, arms waving in the air, screaming and sped off. OCTOCAROL 289

This is the one that was the most terrifying and the one that I still get shit for. It was a blizzard. I was by myself. I was sitting in the office and decided to go out for my 1am smoke break.

Now the office door is glass and when its dark outside and light inside you can see your reflection. 

As I was walking out the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I happened to look at my reflection and saw the most horrifying thing I had ever seen. I ran out of the office with my head down and ran into the middle of one of the parking lot. 

I decided there is no fucking way I am going back into that office. 

I reach in my pocket for the jeep keys and realize I left them in the office. So it's a no-go on the jeep.

So I think "okay... you can juat walk around the mall until your relief gets here"

Not a chance.

Mall keys are right next to the jeep keys in the office.

JasonmoonaSo I think "That's it I'm fucking quiting. I don't get paid for this freaky ass shit and I think I need a young priest and an old priest"


Oh wait! That's right! My car keys are also in the office. 

I stood out in the snow for 3 hours waiting for my relief to come.

When I first started, stuff like that happened all the time. I think the ghosts of the mall just wanted to mess with the new guy, or it's because construction has stopped. 

It happens very little, now that I've been here for so long or maybe I'm just used to it. I went almost 6 months with nothing strange happening. 

There's still certain places that give me the creeps but nothing I can't handle. Those are just a few things but there are tons more.

Have any of you had ghostly experiences at work?

Happy Halloween everyone!



Do you have a haunting tale to share for work or home?

Tell us in the comments!