Insecurity: Birds Are Jerks


Jason 005

InSecurity here again after way too long of a hiatus. This summer involved everything from Assault to Ammunition. So, yay me!

To open my hell month off, I got pooped on. By a bird. An ungrateful little bird..
My story begins with a wonderful sinus tension headache. I'm feeling like a drum is pounding in my head, and so I hit the garage for a patrol to hopefully clear out some of the pounding.
As I'm going about my business, I start to hear a "cheep" "cheep" Very consistent, and high pitched.I start hearing this on P2, and work my way down to P4, with the noise getting louder and louder with each step.By the time I find it, I'm starting to see spots.
Somehow a little sparrow had gotten out of the nest and down one of the ventilation shafts all the way to the lowest level. Shit. Down here that noisy little bugger has no food and will just attract rats, so I slipped on my gloves and got about the business of capturing the bird.
Unfortunately for me, I am no longer as swift, flexible, or clever as I remember being. Also, that seed guzzler is super quick, so here I am lumbering about trying to catch the thing looking like a Disney giant gling all "Brave Little Tailor" on a baby bird. I finally corner and grab it!
I give it a breathing hole. Big mistake. It turns out that just like cats, little birds are secretly made of liquid, so it slips out and now knows that corners are bad. Well, gorilla poo. I start all over again, and worse, it's smarter.
I keep going until, I'm spotted by another employee coming in to work. She asks me if I'm OK because it looks like I'm doing a slow, awkward Gangnam Style with back spasms. As soon as I say baby bird, she "Awwwws" and drives off. 
I finally manage, with much sweating, cursing, and near pratfalls manage to grab that sine-wave sucking bird. No breathing hole for you this time! Also, sharp little claws on that thing 
I then hike up the garage and after managing to open some doors using only my butt-cheeks, get around back where we have a run off stream, some trees, and grassy sections.
At least he has a fighting chance now. I turn him loose, he screams at me once, then hops into the tree line. I look down and lo and behold, the ungrateful little corncob has pooped in my hands.
Birds are dicks.



read more Security Hell here




Security Hell: Assault and Peppah



InSecurity here with another tale from the hell month this summer, this one's for my new boss, we'll call him JB.

It was nearing shift change, and JB and I were reading Ponytail in on what had happened and what was coming up for her shift. We then hear the screech of an angry harpy. We peer oot and see a red faced bipedal toad yelling near the entrance at the other end of the building. JB heads down to find out what is happening. I grab the phone, ready to call some cops and get the cameras on the situation.
Well, when he gets there, somehow, the harpy screech got louder. I'm not sure the biology behind, but it happened. 
JB wasn't having any of that and calmly told her it was indoor voice and manners or leave. She decides that because he was not folding, it's time to bust out the phone and record the "harassment and stalking" as she gets walked out.
That is when she decides to do the dumbest thing I can think of: she grabs JB's collar and try to push him around. JB it turns out lives in the gym and soccer field after work lets out. He makes sure his uniform covers it up because he doesn't want to show off. JB doesn't move, she mostly moves herself around, so not as planned. 
Thats it, assault means time for the police to take over, so I get on the horn and get the next shift officer who arrived on site early on the clock early.
Well, after the whole stupid assault attempt, the idiot decided to run for it, so she pushes another, random custy into JB and hops the elevator. I
I'm having a nice conversation with the PD operator and everybody else is going manhunter trying to spot our lovely lady. She gets away in her car, and PD gets some nice footage and overtime for all is had. Still was funny, watching her try to push JB around and fail.






From Insecurity, October, 2014:

A few days ago, I had to explain what a stalking horse was to a custy. It is a distraction which allows you to sneak up on someone, based on a hunting technique where the prey follows the now dismounted horse and is ambushed by the former rider.

They thought it was a stocking horse, as in a stocking obsessed fashionista (clothes horse + stockings, evidently) and therefore rather kinky.



read more Dumbass Customer stories here

read more Security Hell tales here











From Paulina Blart, Mall Security, October, 2010:

Hiya Folks,

Things have been kinda slow over here in the sense that nothing worth posting has happened. We've been extremely busy with stupid people. ie The black Hawaiian chick calling us "haoles" and telling us we're discriminating against her because she's Hawaiian. The little asshole who headbutted a kiosk and his equally asshole like parents who excused it because "he's bipolar." The little fuck that tried to shoulder check me.

Basically just dumb stuff that can be summed up in a sentence.

So in the spirit of Halloween, I've decided to share my run ins with CUSTIES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

As some of you may know, I work the graveyard shift a few times a week by myself.

It didn't used to be that way, I had a partner. The first thing he said to me when he was told I was to be the new graveyard officer was "Do you believe in ghosts?" 

I gave him a funny look "Whhhhhy?" 

He just chuckled and said "You'll see." 

I believe in ghosts but I don't believe everything I hear. I figured it was just a "fuck with the new guy" type of thing.

Every once in a while I would get the feeling of being watched and the hair on the back of my neck would raise. I just chalked it up to being creeped out in a deserted dark mall. 

The first really strange thing that happened was my first black Friday.  Jason2 078a

There was only 2 of us on duty and it was around 2am. No one else was coming in until about 5am. I'm out driving in the jeep when I pass our security office.

I glance at the glass door and see someone in a seurity uniform standing in front of the bulletin board.

Normally I would have convinced myself it was just my partner but unfortunately for me, my partner was in the passenger seat. I ask if he saw what I saw. He didn't. 

I decided to investigate since the most likely scenario was that someone came in early.

No one was in the office and our doors have coded locks. I still wasn't convinced. I knew we had a security guard die on the job a few years back, but I still thought my coworkers were just trying to mess with me.

The incident that made me realize something was going on at the mall, happened when I was by myself.

I was in a back hallway that's about 50ft long, checking an electrical room about halfway down the hallway. It was about 330am and I was resecuring the door when I heard what sounded like an elderly mans voice "excuse me, Miss?"

It sounded like it was right behind me and I responded as I was turning around, "Yeah, whats u...?

There was no one behind me and no one in that hallway.

I even ran to the exit to see if I could find anyone. Absolutely no one was out there and even if there was, they would have to be the fastest person alive to make it out the door before I turned around.

One night my partner sounded a little panicked and asked me to come around in the jeep to pick him up from one of the mall doors.

As I was approaching I saw another man next to him. I figured he had found him wandering the mall and needed some help. 

As I was pulling up I looked down to turn off the radio and unlock the door.  New Freddy 003a

My partner got in and said he "just felt creeped out."

I looked around and asked "where'd that guy go?"

My partner said "What guy?"

Again, there was no where the guy could have gone without bein seen leaving. I tried to convince myself that my partner was trying to mess with me.

After a while, our hours got cut, and there was only one person working the graveyard shift. 

One of my duties is unlocking service doors at 4am.

There was one service door I hated opening.The hallway behind it had no lights and it was a long walk from the jeep. 

Anywho, As I was walking up to this door I smelled the most rank odor.

It was a mixture of porta potty and roadkill. 

I unlocked this door and swing it open. It has a push bar that needs an allen wrench to keep it unlocked.

My key got stuck in the lock on the outside and I looked into the dark hallway.

I swear to this day I saw a black mass darker than the hallway coming towards me. I couldn't tear my eyes away but I was still struggling with this key.

I finally got it unstuck and literally ran back to the jeep, arms waving in the air, screaming and sped off. Carolanne 003

This is the one that was the most terrifying and the one that I still get shit for. It was a blizzard. I was by myself. I was sitting in the office and decided to go out for my 1am smoke break.

Now the office door is glass and when its dark outside and light inside you can see your reflection. 

As I was walking out the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I happened to look at my reflection and saw the most horrifying thing I had ever seen. I ran out of the office with my head down and ran into the middle of one of the parking lot. 

I decided there is no fucking way I am going back into that office. 

I reach in my pocket for the jeep keys and realize I left them in the office. So it's a no-go on the jeep.

So I think "okay... you can juat walk around the mall until your relief gets here"

Not a chance.

Mall keys are right next to the jeep keys in the office.  Jasonmoona

So I think "That's it I'm fucking quiting. I don't get paid for this freaky ass shit and I think I need a young priest and an old priest"

Oh wait! That's right! My car keys are also in the office. 

I stood out in the snow for 3 hours waiting for my relief to come.

When I first started, stuff like that happened all the time. I think the ghosts of the mall just wanted to mess with the new guy, or it's because construction has stopped. 

It happens very little, now that I've been here for so long or maybe I'm just used to it. I went almost 6 months with nothing strange happening. 

There's still certain places that give me the creeps but nothing I can't handle. Those are just a few things but there are tons more.

Have any of you had ghostly experiences at work?

Happy Halloween everyone!



 read more Security Hell stories here





When the Alarm Company Doesn't Care


NAT (2)

From an RHUer: 

This morning three special people decided that they were going to get some cash from our glorious atm.   Now our store uses metal shutters for additional security.  The idea being an alarm will be triggered within 45 seconds if opened prior to a certain time.   Great concept if the company chose to pay attention to it.   These three clowns take a good 5 and a half minutes to get the shutter pried open enough to break the glass and get inside.   They don't touch the smokes, beer or anything other than the atm.   Now they start this process at 4:30 AM. They exit the building at say 4:37AM.   Still no calls from the alarm or corporate.   Come 5:15 cops finally show up because they hear the alarm from driving by.   Corporate still isn't aware of the issue till one of our staff shows up at 5:30AM to open the store.   Good times and security.






Nasty Ass Thieves: Thieving TSA


05 Nasty Ass Thieves

From dravenstone, AskReddit

I have a horrible story with a good ending.

I was on a business trip that took me to LA for the day then off to Seattle. I had very little time between my last meeting in LA and my flight. I was flying through security as fast as I could to make the flight and so just tossed my watch and phone in the bin with my shoes instead of putting them in my bag which I normally do. The watch was a Rolex I had received as an award for some quality work I had done.

Bin comes out of the x-ray, no watch. TSA was their glorious self and said nothing they could do, file a lost item report blah blah blah. And I had to run. I was sick to my stomach as I had an emotional attachment to the watch and I'd never drop that kind of money on a watch and now it was gone.

I file the report with lost and found the next day by email and get a form response - we will only contact you if we find your item.

Four weeks later, I get a call...

"It's the TSA, did you file a missing item report?"

Yep... got my watch back. Next day I'm telling the story to my coworker and he starts laughing. He had just read a story online about a TSA agent fired and arrested for stealing stuff as it went through the x-ray.

These days I have global entry and security takes 30 seconds, just like it should.