Hot August Security Hell: InSecurity's Clever Way To Stop People From Bathing in a Water Fixture

 

Insecurity

InSecurity here,

Since the August heat has arrived, I shall relate a disgusting bit of trivia.

We have a water fixture at my site. It is a little waterfall type thing and a pond. It, like in most fixtures of this sort is recycled, with only a little added to account for evaporation.

Every summer, we get some of the local homeless deciding to bathe in our fixture. I never have any issues with getting them out quickly. I just tell them how filthy and disgusting that water is. I tell them about the recycling. Then I explain about the occasional dead rat or bird. About one in three jump out. After that it's the sheer amount of chemicals that have to be poured in there because of the dead animals that go there. By the time I finish the bit about added chemicals they are out. Every single one.

--InSecurity

 

 


Security Guards And Other Rodents

 

Carolanne omgFrom: Goober

So, at my current job, I started (so many years ago) in a store that had been there a long time, and has since moved twice. The building was *old*, and not in the best of shape. And the management company was, shall we say, less than concerned. The roof didn't leak, but the floor did.

They put in curb bumpers in the parking lot (those concrete things that let you know when to stop when you're parking because your tires run into them), for absolutely no reason except somebody thought they looked more fashionable than fixing the termite damage. They put one directly in front of the outlet for one of the roof drains. That's when we found out the floor leaked - when water started bubbling up from the floor behind the cash registers. It was amazing nobody was electrocuted.

More fun, though, were the rodents. We had mice and rats, and a lot of both. We had to keep the bird seed inside Tupperware totes, or it wouldn't last the night. The mice *loved* bird seed. The rats, however, were far fonder of the chocolate (because they get high on it). And jalapeno peanuts. We could not keep jalapeno peanuts safe. We had no idea how they were even getting to them. They (the peanuts, not the rats) were on a spinner rack in the main aisle, and we surrounded the entire area with rat traps, to the point where *we* couldn't get to the rack, every night. And every morning, all the jalapeno peanuts were just empty packages.

The mice weren't so bad, though we'd see them scampering along the tops of the gondolas all day long. They were, at least, quiet. But the rats were something else. I recall standing in the main aisle one day, talking to a customer, and a rat the size of a chihuahua comes running out of an aisle - not more than two feet from us - half blind in the daylight, and runs into the display in the middle of the aisle. Gets up, shakes itself off, and runs off down the aisle on the other side. This was such a routine occurance that I didn't even pause in explaing whatever I was explaining to the customer, until I saw the look on his face. Then I had to keep from laughing.

Jason oopsWe did put down traps, all over the place. That didn't always work out so well, either. We mostly used glue traps, rather than the spring loaded ones. I don't know why, other than perhaps they were less likely to result in a workman's comp claim after an employee broke a finger (and the big spring loaded rat traps *can*), or maybe they were cheaper or something. Problem is, they don't *kill* the rat, they only trap it in place. Which terrifies the little monster, and it proceeds to thrash around until it dies of exhaustion or heart failure. If it gets caught early in the evening, it's usually dead before we show up in the morning. But there was one morning where one had obviously just gotten itself stuck, to a trap that was next to some sheet metal box upstairs, and was still thrashing around desperately trying to escape.

So our housewares manager comes in to open, and as soon as she opens the door, she can hear the *loud* 'SQEEEE!!!" THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! 'SQEEEE!!!" THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! 'SQEEEE!!!" THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! It lasted until someone else showed up for her to make go kill it with a shovel.

Sharon was a dragon lady in many ways (though a very nice one if you did your job), but killing rats wasn't in the job description.

The only department that wasn't completely overrun with rodents was plumbing. It only had one rat, which was the size of not-so-small dog. Must have been over a foot long without the tail. We named him Willard, and he had plumbing all to himself. I'm pretty sure any other rats or mice that went back there were dinner. Interestingly, two doors down was a grocery store. I got to talking to one of the guys there one day about rodents, and described Willard, and he assured me we only got the ones too small and weak to survive in the grocery store. I stopped buying lunch there after that.

The management company didn't care. Which was just as well. If they'd cared, they probably would have upped the rent to cover the additional tenants.

The one thing they got right was the security guard. I don't recall his name, but I can still picture him in my head. He was in his late 40s or early 50s, grey haired, a little fat, and walked like he had a bad leg or something. But he was a *fantasic* security guard, him and the .45 he had on his hip.

He had a manner about him that told you, very clearly, "If you give me shit, I'm not going to chase you down, and I'm not going to get into a fist fight with you, I'm just going to shoot you." I haven't met too many people who could be more menacing, or who could turn it on and off so readily.

He told me that there was one time, in his 20+ years as a security guard, where he *thought* about drawing his weapon, but that was apparently enough to convince whatever young punk he was dealing with to cooperate.

--Goober

 


Elevators Go Up, Elevators Break Down

 

InSecurityInSecurity here with a tale of woe on a new dude's first day.

My place has more than just jackass crusty problems, we have elevator problems up the kazoo. We have tons of grampas is hustling (relatively) to the elevator and puts out his cane to stop the doors. He fails on putting it in far enough, jams the door and the car up good. That's about a quarter of our elevator problems. The rest of the time its the elevators being cheap POS.

Another time, I got caught in a car that just broke down. I've been to so many, it was just radio it in, and start taking notes. I got out when maintenance just reset the car.

However, our most embarrassing incident happened a few days ago when a new hire for the back office got stuck. We did the usual call the elevator company and ask if he needed anything and to shout out if he had any medical issues crop up, etc. We actually have a script, and I have it memorized, that's how often we have elevator issues.

I see the car come back online briefly and summon it to me. The guy stuck inside gets up and asks me, "Hey, where are the stairs? Its my first day and I don't feel like taking the elevators anymore."

I would wish the elevators where you are are better than mine, but there aren't many where they are worse.

--InSecurity

 


InSecurity: Poor Brave Got Another

 

Insecurity

InSecurity here.
 
Poor Brave got another weird night not too long ago.

It started with a very drunk dude, now named Blotto, on the patio told to move along by swing shift. Brave was partnered with Mr. Bean. I call him that because he looks like a shorter, blonde Mr. Bean, especially when he smiles.

Mr. Bean went to check and see if Blotto had moved along. Of course he hadn't, so Mr. Bean radioed in for a 911 and trespass. This means that Brave had to have a radio in one ear and a phone in another to relay information to both parties, often at the same time.

Of course this meant Blotto went into full asshole drunk mode. Started throwing pebbles at Mr. Bean, swearing, and swaying off property, slowly.

Eventually Blotto makes it to the street corner and starts to go across the overpass, when six cops cars show up, lights blazing and ready to go. They have to get a very angry Blotto to sit down and suss this out.

Mr. Bean and Brave are working out the details over the radio when Brave gets a call from our other campus, about 10 miles away. They had heard the whole radio call and were running all over their campus trying to find a very belligerent drunk.

Blotto got trespassed, and taken home by police as Mr. Bean didn't want to deal with having to press charges and go to court. We now have a nice fresh trespass order so that if Blotto shows his head we can do shiny bracelets!

--InSecurity

 


InSecurity: Redneck Run

 

Insecurity

InSecurity here,

We got a new guy on the Graveyard shift, I'll call him Brave, cuz he's got the red hair from Sterotypeville.
 
Poor Brave got his Stupid Shit cherry popped not too long ago. Some jackasses came into the driveway in a pickup after midnight drove around yelling, and trying to do donuts, very poorly too. One of them decided to go full redneck and toss a beer bottle down. When the sun came up, their stupidity and shame were made clear.
 
The bottle bore the label "O'Doul's Non-Alcoholic Beer"
 
Fucking idiots.

--InSecurity

 


InSecurity Is Just Watching It Burn

 

Jason winkInSecurity here. I think I'm becoming a much worse person.

A few days ago, there was a fire at the Whole Paycheck across the way in their planter box. Very smoky, flames about ten feet; so, taller than the people trying to fight it.

I radioed Miniboss that it was not on property. Then I just watched it burn, smiling because it was not on property and therefore not my problem. I was just watching it burn for the amusement of it not being my problem to deal with.

Stay safe, and stay sane. I think I'm starting to slip on the second.

--InSecurity