Medical Clinic Hell: Dumbass Patients



From February, 2010:

Hiedi here-

I currently work as the head RN of a medical practice ran by 5 doctors, all who are friends.  One doc, however, the one who hired me-when this practice first opened 8 years ago, is a piece of work onto himself.  But that is not why I am writing, at least not today.

The medical clinic I work at serves as a primary care clinic for the locals. We also serve as an urgent care clinic. 2 of the 5 doctors are dentists, one who is basically a dental surgeon. We have an in house lab, the ability to set broken bones, (depending on the severity of the broken bone) do x-rays, minor surgeries, stitches, minor to major dental work, Colonoscopy’s (shoving a camera up peoples butts and down their throats for cancer and other screenings is not the highlight of my day) and stuff like well baby checkups, strep throat treatment, pap smears (also not one of the highlights of my job) and physical exams for bus drivers or whoever needs one for work or non work related purposes and we have stuff like an in house lab for blood work. You get the picture.

My job continually convinces me that the only thing certain in life other than death and taxes is the nature of human stupidity. 

I have nothing against heavy people. If you obese and happy, great. I had a gentleman come in, who weighed around 550 pounds, who complained of a skin rash on the folds of his skin.  From the smell of the rash, it looked like a fungal infection to me.

I began to examine the irritated skin, (thank god for gloves) and as I lifted one of his folds of fat where it was the worst, a turkey sandwich fell out.

The man figured it was a month old. The smell and mold confirmed it. I threw it out, gave him some cream and told him to clean the area and put the cream on it irritated skin.

I had another patient come in, complaining that his butt was hurting. He was 21. I took him to xray. I let the xray develop, but wasn’t in the room when the Doc came to look at them.  I heard the Doc treating this guy go “OH MY GOD” and went to see what the issue was. 

OCTOCAROL 057The man’s rectum and entire colon was a solid mass. 

Thinking he had some advanced stage of cancer, I hurried back into the room to ask him how long this had been going on and to give me some more info (we were busy, I didn’t get a chance to get many details from him before the xray) and the man turned 5 shades of red. 

I gently explained we can’t help him properly unless we know when this pain in his rear end started and how long it’s been going on.

That’s when the truth came out. 

He and his boyfriend of 5 weeks recently began having sex. 

After one too many beers the night before, one of them had the bright idea to pour fast drying cement mix down a funnel into his rectum. 

Where it dried. 

Under local anesthesia, two of the docs (one of them is a former trauma surgeon who got tried of the wild hours the ER provided) and myself were able to remove the perfect mold of his colon. 

And one ping pong ball.

I had a young female patient, who was 26. She seemed fine, and I came in to take her blood pressure and such, I asked her what the problem was.

She explained she was having unexplained pain in her cooch area. 

Oh great, I thought, another vaginal exam. 

I asked her if it was okay to do a vaginal exam on her, and that we have a female doc working that day if she would be more comfortable with her rather than one of the male drs. She asked for the female doc. 

I let her get undressed and handed her a gown, and when we were ready, I go Sue, our only female doc on staff. 

It didn’t take long to figure out what was causing her woes. 

A set of car keys. 

The woman explained she didn’t want her boyfriend taking her car so she hid them where “he never goes.”

--You local RN



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Retail Balls Awards: Rich Daddy's Girl Bitch Gets Told



From Nurse Hiedi, Feburary, 2010

One of my many, many jobs I had while putting myself through nursing school was a grease monkey at a jiffy lube type place. IT was a 6 bay shop, and we did car repairs, oil changes, and had a car wash on site.

A favorite customer of mine came from this rich family. They reeked of it. Their oldest daughter was well…behind her back we called her miss bitch. Only reason we put up with her was her daddy (he and his wife owned a 25+ successful fast food restaurant chain I won’t mention) was a longtime customer of the car shop. For the last 15 years he had brought not only his personal cars to us, but his company cars/trucks to be fixed/oil changes, the like.

One day, Miss high and mighty rich Bitch (she was 19 at the time) pulls up in her brand new BMW (daddy paid cash for it. Birthday present or some crap) and she gets out of the car just screaming at us to fix her car.

I come out and ask her what’s wrong. In a huff, she explains the seat is broken. It won’t slide back, only forward. And that we better fix it because her daddy pays us good money to fix all their cars.

I told her we’d call her when it was fixed. She told us to call her on her cell phone because she had things to do and the car had to be fixed THAT day or she was going to daddy.

So one of my fellow grease monkey slaves pulls into an empty car bay. 20 minutes later, I was standing under a car, finishing up an oil change when he was looking at the seat trying to fix it.

I watch his face turn three shades of pale and hear him yell “EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEWWWWWWWWW GROSS!!!!” followed by a “Somebody quick get me latex gloves and a brown paper bag…EW EW EW EW EW GROSS!!!!”

Turns out Miss Bitch’s thong, a condom wrapper (no condom itself, just the torn wrapper) and a bright green vibrator had rolled under the seat and got stuck in the track that allows the seat to slide forward and backwards.

OCTOCAROL 188I plucked the items from the seat and stuff them in a brown bag. My coworker then pulls the car around front.

An hour later Miss Rich Bitch comes back with her friends. She came out to the counter with them all high and mighty demanding to know if her car was fixed. I told her it was. She demanded to know the price, and then proceeded to tell her friends how we are expensive and that maybe she should go to another place if I don’t give her some sort of discount.

She asked loudly what was wrong with her car.

Trying to show her some courtesy (and spare her from embarrassment in front of her friends and the 8 or so custys in the lobby) I tell her we discovered a foreign object stuck under the seat, I wasn’t going to charge her but please step into the office so I can give her the um….items we found.

She started talking loudly about how we “better not” charge her for such an easy fix and how crazy I was-there was no “object” lodged under the seat, she keeps her car clean I just better hand over her keys or she was gonna call daddy and tell him how rude and incompetent we were.

I gave Miss Bitch her car keys. I said I had no intention of mentioning this whole thing to her daddy, but if she was going to call him to complain about us fixing her car, then I have no problems showing daddy what we found under the seat.

She looked at me with the “you don’t know what you’re talking about bitch.”

I grabbed the brown paper bag from under the counter, opened it and showed it to her (hey…if she had been nice about it and came into the office away from everyone like I asked her too….well….) and she turned 15 shades of red.

I asked “We are not going to charge you for fixing the seat, nor are we going to say anything to your father about this. But if you feel the need to get him involved….”

She grabbed her keys, her purse, and the bag all in one huff, then glared with her famous Miss Bitch stare and stormed out with her friends.

We never did tell her daddy.



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Malicious Compliance: The Head Nurse Doesn't Have The Authority. I Do


1MALFrom BrushmanTyrantMaliciousCompliance

I used to work at a children's hospital as a caterer, delivering trays of food to the patients, which were not just children, but also pregnant women and elderly women. If any of you have ever worked in a hospital or visited someone with a contact-communicable disease, you know that you have to suit up in the gown, gloves, face mask, and a head cover to enter the room, and you will mostly likely require clearance from the head nurse or current attending physician on staff prior to entering as well.

For about a week, there was a patient, an elderly woman who was just incredibly sweet and fun to talk to, who had MRSA and had what we referred to as the contact warning on her door. I had to suit up every time I entered the room with new, clean bits all over, which didn't bother me because it takes all of a minute.

Rhonda was the head nurse of the floor, and she and I were super cool with each other, so I asked for prior clearance on Monday that week and got cleared for entry with no hassle for the entire week, and got it in writing because that's sometimes necessary there, because my job was in a way time sensitive, as we had to make sure each patient was served within a given time frame and having to chase down the head nurse is a giant pain in the ass.

On Wednesday, though, I got stopped coming out of the patient's room after delivering breakfast while the patient was asleep by Dr. Asshat, a stuck-up young lady who had been on staff at the hospital for less time than I had, and I had only been on staff for two months. Dr. Asshat and I had a quick chat that went like this:

Jason doctorAsshat: Do you see the sign on that door, boy?

Me: Uh, yeah, I'm wearing all the required components to maintain a sterile environment. Why do you ask, miss?

Asshat: So you know that you have to have clearance from someone to enter?

Me: I have clearance from Rhonda to come and go as I please. Got it in writing on the cart if you need to see it.

Asshat: Condescending tone Sweetie, Rhonda isn't the attending physician, now, is she?

Me: She's the head nurse, which is also mentioned in the notice for clearance, miss.

Asshat: Look, if you want in that room, you need my clearance, and that patient's condition is far too contagious for someone who isn't a doctor to be in there.

Me: What do you expect me to do, then?

Asshat: You need to call me on my pager whenever you need to enter that room so I can do it for you, because you're going to end up killing someone. You cannot enter that room, no matter what.

Me: Alright. I'll call you when I need you then.

For the rest of the day, I called her to make any interaction I needed with that patient. This included getting the meal orders (three times, could have just called the patient but didn't because screw you Dr. Asshat). I left the patient's meal trays on her desk and absolutely hounded her on her lunch break to make sure they were delivered within my time frame, and even got the nursing staff and housekeeping involved by making them call her to get clearance due to her earlier decree of special privilege.

After my eighth time calling her and having the dinner order delivered while I push my cart through the hall, she came to me and asked me why I had harassed her all day "to do my job for me."

I said, "You told me not to go in there, no matter what, and that I needed to refer to you for anything relating to this patient. I was just following your orders, miss."

She never once complained about my clearance notes from Rhonda again, oddly enough.



What's the Worst Thing You've Been Called at Work: While Working as a CNA



From: Cheshire

I would have to say the worst thing I've been called was when I was working as a CNA in a long term care facility.

I usually worked on the same ward and usually with the same group of patients.

The patient in question was incontinent of bowel and bladder and needed a air bed to help with his constant pain. Because of that he would try to verbally or physically assault the aides or accuse them of abusing him.

Because of that, the ward nurse needed to be with the aides at all time. Depending on your nurse this was easy to achieve or hard as hell to actually get them to come. Anyway, our patient was covered in his own waste per usual and fighting, so the nurse told us to let him be for a few moments and try again.

So I went to my other room and helped my client get ready for bed. When I came back in front of the nurse and the other two aides in the room he called me a "fat ugly whore who was to busy to help him out because I was fucking all my clients on the ward and he bet I gave really great head because that's all I was good at."

We got him cleaned up and he thanked me and that was that. Insults and injuries come as part of the job in nursing. Though I am now working in the wonderful world of security so you get a whole new set of insults. At least in the nursing home it was totally understandable.