Okay RHU, we survived the Apocalypse of 2012 but now we have another year of retail enslavement to deal with!  For me, it’s this dang gone rain!  What is it with rain that brings out the worst in people?  Here’s another crazy time at the gift store.

We sell cheap ass $9 umbrellas.  I mean bottom of the barrel, break it first time, janky cover-ups that would make Mary Poppins curse up her Supercalifragilisticexpialiodocius chimney sweep ridden mouth.  Anyway, I hate ringing up these things but desperate custys that want coverage from the downpour end up grabbing them up like a bargain basement Black Friday sale.  Then when it craps out, all hell breaks loose!

Custy: I bought this umbrella five minutes ago and it’s defective!  I want my money back!”

Me: Sorry all Sales Final according your receipt and the sign. *points to sign*  I can exchange it for you or give you store credit.

Custy: *RAWR* YOU’RE CHEATING THE CUSTOMER!  YOU SHOULD STAND BY YOUR PRODUCTS!  I WANT A MANAGER!”

Manager tells custy same thing and this goes on repeatedly for each custy that purchased that cheap ass umbrella.  Basically people, you have to spend some extra dough for a good industrial sized umbrella but you get what you pay for!  It’s not my fault you forgot your umbrella at home!  Use that newspaper or a trash bag as a covering!

Then there’s Crazy Lady.  Crazy Lady has a chip on her shoulder and goes to my coworker who is folding shirts and starts a tirade on him.

Crazy Lady: You there!  You should stop doing that!

Coworker: Excuse me?

Crazy Lady: You should stop folding shirts and help me!  You should always help your customers!  Are you new?

Coworker: No.

Crazy Lady: You must be new.  Otherwise, you would know I needed help.

Coworker: (Did she even bother to ask for any or look for someone with a nametag?) Can I help you?

Crazy Lady: You need to help your customers!  I’m looking for something of good quality.  Price doesn’t matter.

Coworker: Are you looking for a shirt, a hoodie, or jacket?

Crazy Lady: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!  I SAID I NEEDED SOMETHING OF GOOD QUALITY!  PRICE DOESN’T MATTER!

Coworker: Well we have these sweatshirts up here.

CRAZY LADY: THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANT!  I SAID I NEEDED SOMETHING OF GOOD QUALITY!  PRICE DOSEN’T MATTER!  WHERE’S YOUR MANAGER?

Crazy Lady goes to manager who shows her a jacket.  Crazy Lady gets all excited.

Crazy Lady: That’s what I want!  I was looking for a jacket.  *turns to manager* You need to train your employees better.

WTF?  You’re the one who needs a brain replacement!  My coworker asked you what you wanted but you wouldn’t tell us!  We can’t read your mind bitch!  Argh!

Now for something high-larious.  It’s pouring outside and next to our tourist section of town is a city park where local artisans sell their homemade wares.  It also includes so-called psychics offering to do tarot cards and palm readings.  Well one of the psychics who I refer to as Miss Cleo (remember her from the 90’s Psychic Hotline) walks in drenched like a drowned rat.  She goes and buys one of our cheap ass umbrellas.

Miss Cleo: Oh Lord!  It’s raining cats and dogs out there!  I didn’t see it coming.

Uh, you’re a psychic.  You didn’t foresee the weather being rainy?  Did your psychic powers fail you, Sylvia Brown?

She leaves for a minute and comes back with our defective umbrellas.

Miss Cleo: This umbrella doesn’t work!  I need my money back and some extra plastic bags.  My stuff is getting wet outside.

Manager makes an exception and refunds the lady’s $9 but in my head I’m thinking: Obviously the dead people you see hate you.  You would’ve seen the future and known that umbrella you bought was crappy!  Then again I’m psychic too.  I’m predicting that you’re a fake and my palms are telling me to give you the finger!

I wonder if John Edward or Whoopi Goldberg has this problem?

--Queer Geek