Out of Context Theater For Retail Hell

RIFEROUSHello, and welcome to Out of Context Theater. 

Today we will perform for you the latest and greatest out of context phrases heard in the real halls of retail.  Sit back, and let us entertain you.


Wonder at the exclamation, "I've been trying to get him to use corn cobs!"


Share the joy of "I got rid of eight feet".


Sympathize with the lament of older customers, who just want "a good piece of meat one time a year".


Ponder this modern world epiphany:  "If I was unpacking the butter, I'd just have to make some smartalec Facebook status about it." 


Be tittilated by "I don't care if you take my clothes and lock me in a dungeon with a guy for a year..."


Feel the pain and apprehension of "They just set your fucking uterus on fire."


And finally, examine the nature of your relationships with "Do you know any fucktards?"


Tune in next time, when we will regale you with such gems as "Just throw a towel down."


Stay classy RHU!


Entitled Pet Store Custy Wants To Buy Gerbils As Snake Food and Gets Told

CarolballsYumYum gets a Retail Balls Award for this tale of not giving into an entitled shopper and saving the lives of a few gerbils:

Hi all!  YumYum again...

I posted a long time ago and thought I'd share another retailicious story from my days as a pet shop girl.

One night, about an hour or so before we closed, a girl came in and started looking at our small animals.  I went back and asked if she needed help.  She started to tell me about her boyfriend's snake and said that she needed to buy feeder mice for it.  Well, we had mice in stock, but they weren't intended as food; they were being sold as pets.  I explained this to her and suggested she try one of the larger retailers in the area or a rodent specialty store.  She looked at me blankly for a moment and then said, "Yeah, I just want to buy some of these mice here."  The conversation just went downhill from there.

Me: I thought you were looking for feeder mice.

Her: I am.

Me: Well those aren't food.  They're pets.  You'll have to go to another store to get feeder mice.

Her: These are mice, aren't they?  Why can't I just feed these to my snake?

Me: Because we don't sell our small mammals for food.

Carolanne 009Her: Well, fine then.  I want to buy some of these mice as pets.

Me: Um, you already told me you're planning on feeding them to your snake.

Her: Yeah, but if I hadn't told you that you'd have just sold me the mice.  So just forget I said that.

Me: Sorry.  I'm not selling you any mice.

I walked back up to the front and hung out where I had a clear view of her while I waited for more customers to come in.  The assistant manager (Awesome Assistant) had heard part of the conversation and commended me for not selling her the mice. 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I realize snakes have to eat, too, and some snakes eat mice.  We just had a store policy that we didn't send any of our mammals home with a customer unless we felt like it was the right home for them.  A home where they were going to be fed to another animal wasn't exactly a safe environment.

So I keep watching this chick and she's still hanging around the mice, and watching my every move.  Any time I'd turn my head to greet a customer and look back, she had her hands on the mouse cage and would pull them away when she saw me watching her.  Great...another NAT-to-be.

My assistant manager had gone into the back to finish up the day's paperwork before we closed, so it was just me and one of the New Salesgirls.  I pulled her aside (where I could still see Snake Girl) and pointed her out, explaining the situation and my suspicions. 

Carolanne 033

After that, either one or both of us had our eyes locked on her wherever she went in the store.  Finally she ended up by the gerbils...which my Hosebeast Store Manager (not to be confused with Awesome Assistant) had decided to put in an open-top glass enclosure.  Sure enough, Snake Girl kept reaching into the enclosure and "playing" with the gerbils, watching us closely. 

After about 10 minutes she gave up and left...only to return with her boyfriend, who cornered me and started asking me if mice made good pets because he was thinking of getting a couple.

I motioned for New Salesgirl to keep an eye on Snake Girl while I explained to this man that his girlfriend already told us that they were planning to feed the mice to their snake and our mice were not food.  He started to deny that she was his girlfriend, when I heard a commotion by the gerbils. 

Apparently, Snake Girl had picked one up and was yelling at New Salesgirl for telling her to put it down.  I finally told her that she'd have to leave since we wouldn't be selling her anything that night.

And wouldn't you know, she and her boyfriend came back the next day and tried to buy the mice from a couple of my coworkers.  Fortunately, they'd already heard the story and a description of the couple so she didn't have any luck with them either.

Until next time, fellow slaves...