Return Hell with Dumbass Custys

Jasonbag A few Return Hell Stories to scare you to death. From RHU's comments...


I had a guy return a new CD because he didn't like the mixing and he "had a recording studio in his basement and so knew sound quality," puffing himself up like a strutting rooster when he said it.

He swore at me and I went all school marm "That language is not acceptable or appreciated."

He apologized, but, as my grandmother always said, a good reputation is an easy thing to lose and a near impossible thing to replace.

Another customer pointed out that if he had a recording studio he could have fixed the damned sound and felt not like a useless twat.

It's a new cd, we can't predict if it's mixed up to your high standards.

Write EMI.

Macy's Blows:

God, I can't count how many times people bring in empty jars of cream and want money back. Or even worse, filled up with something that is obviously not $135 moisturizer.

Seriously, do people think I can't tell the difference between the stuff I've been selling for 4 years and Garnier Fructise Conditioner?


I love it when people try and return makeup with a competitor's price stickers still on them. I also love the look on their face when I tell them I can't take it back.Bagtear


Yups. Some thing worse happened. A few weeks ago, some stupid girl wanted to return a sandwich she said was the wrong order.

We would've done it EXCEPT for three things that had happened previously:

1. She had already returned a sandwich before for another.

2. She once again returned another sandwich.

3. The third time, she had already eaten half the damn sandwich.

Seriously ... and the girl that had come to us the first two times wasn't even the actual customer.

The third time she came with the actual eater, in which the friend told the eater, "They won't take it because you ate half of it, bitch.'


Mudflap Girl:

Why do people who return every thing they buy think they are customers?

They actually COST the store money.

The store has to pay someone to ring up the sale,return the sale and fool around with the paperwork associated with the return(sending product back to the vender or whatever).

I think chronic returners should pay the store a service fee at least.At least we could get something for our trouble.

I once had a woman return a sunscreen because,she said,it made bees chase her.Another woman dropped an eyeshadow from her second floor balcony and complained that it broke and demanded a replacement.

Not to be outdone, one annoying skank returned a bodysuit because the snaps made her crotch break out in a rash.

Yeah, like I really needed to hear that.

I hate bullshit returns and the people who do them!Bagtear3

Mario Speedwagon:

A few months back in my Hardly Normal store, I had a customer try to return a laser printer - 1 day short of being a year since purchase.

Apparently, they only just realized that it was a mono-function printer, not a multifunction.

I flat out said no way, so they kicked up a fuss saying that they spoke to David on the phone (we don't have a David or anyone with a similar name).

In the end my manager returned it and refunded it for them.



I had a lady walk up to me with a bathrobe in a bag and asked me if the bathrobe came from our store and if she could return it.

I looked it over and it obviously didn't come from our store.

I told her that our store only has Blah-Blah brand of bathrobes and it's not ours and wouldn't be able to return it...

She paused and looked at me with a disgusted face and said..."..SO?!"

Dumbass Gift Card Custys

Holidayskull This entry was sent from Malmart Peon on the 20th. We've got a bit of backlog of stories going on right now, but Freddy will eventually pull his drunk ass out of snow back get them posted. Thanks for sending your stories. They will eventually get posted. With this late holiday entry Malmart discusses something we are all familiar with: Dumbass Custys and how they

Hello again everyone!  The Malmart Peon is reporting in with another story of people who can't seem to grasp reality.

It's another beautiful day at Malmart, and today I ran again into one of the things which cashiers hate, i.e. the Visa/Mastercard gift cards or rebate cards. 

It seems like a simple concept, but of course nothing is simple in Retail Hell. 

As fellow cashiers probably know, the giftcards act like credit cards with a limit of whatever is on the card. If there is less than the total transaction value and the cashier is not informed the card is declined, just like a credit card. 

If the customer knows how much is on the card then the amount charged can be altered, allowing the card to process.

Quite simply, if the customer doesn't know how much is on the card I can't make it go. They made it easy to find out the balance with a phone number AND an email address, but you know most customers can't be bothered to take five minutes out of their INCREDIBLY busy schedule in order to save ten minutes or more when they're in line demanding to know WHY their card isn't working. 

Too-Busy-Grandma didn't have time, but she had time to spend at least five minutes trying to make her card work and arguing with me. 

The kicker was that after she had attempted to swipe her card after I informed her TWICE that Visa doesn't share its information with Walmart and that her attempts were futile, she informed me that we were all incompetent, as it was a GIFT CARD. 

Oh, it's a gift card all right, a VISA gift card, not a MALMART gift card.Jasoncarolanne  

My own roommate, who has heard a billion stories about this very topic came through my line and did the SAME THING! 

When these people are confronted with the fact that it acts like a credit card they keep repeating "but it's a gift card."

This is perfect example of a common symptom of customer ignorance: believing that repeating something will make it true. 

I can say that I love my job a billion times, but that doesn't change the fact that when I'm at Malmart I have the almost uncontrollable urge to turn my pen into a stabbing device. 

Anyway, have a happy whatever-holiday-you-
celebrate, and hopefully Retail Hell Santa will bring us some booze to drown our sorrows in!

The Malmart Peon

Return Comebacks

Skull5 From Joe:

Returner: "I got this as a gift and it doesn't match anything in my wardrobe."

RHU Slave: "I understand. It's very difficult to accessorize Army surplus."

Returner: "Yo man, 'dis don't fit."

RHU Slave: "You should really check the size BEFORE you boost things, son."