Today at work I thought to ask the question...has hell frozen over?

Why no! Of course not! I'm just stuck at the front entrance all day hawking reward cards to every hapless soul who stumbles in the door.

Mind you all that this is Northern Illinois...in December. Today's weather called for a cheerful and balmy twenty degrees with a wind chill of seven degrees all topped off with a good 3-4 inches of blowing and drifting snow...snow that likes to drift right in the door and collect at my feet.

1. Do not...I repeat...do NOT stand in between the automatic doors causally talking with your cohorts in-person or on the phone...the doors will continue to stay open for that amount of time and the snow will continue to collect around my feet. My feet don't like snow.

2. To the children of these customers: The entrance is NOT an ideal place to throw a tantrum...kicking and screaming in the middle of the doorway will, yet again, cause the door to stay open and collect snow around my feet. Maybe someone will just walk up and snatch your spoiled rotten butt and then you'll REALLY have something to complain about.

3. Yes...it's cold standing at the door...please don't point out that fact to me for the 47th time...I kinda figured that out from my shivering and loss of feeling in my fingers and toes.

4. For that matter...don't you dare fucking complain to me that you're too warm. YOU are wearing a full length down lined coat, a wool hat, and fleece gloves and will be standing at the entrance for all of five minutes. I am wearing a light sweater and have to stand at the entrance for six hours. If you're too warm then I suggest we trade places for a couple hours.

5. No, I am not promoting a credit card...for once...thank God. Don't complain to me that you won't be able to get approved for the card...it's a damn points card...you get the card right away and it doesn't cost or charge you anything. Open your ears and listen.

6. No I do not care that these reward card programs are "secretly a covert-ops way to steal private personal information to be sold on the black market to terrorist funded programs" Cause it's not...go build yourself a tin-foil hat and keep your propagandist theories to yourself...I just work here.

7.Yes, I know that the sign-up form asks for a birthdate...don't get all huffy about it. I don't care how old you are. We don't have a "Wall of Old Farts" in the breakroom to mock the over 50 set (though maybe we should) it just asks your birthdate so the computer knows you're over 18.

8.No, your 6 year old cannot sign up for the card so they can have a pretend play credit-card, your kid prolly has enough damn toys that they don't need a frickin square of plastic.....

9. To those customers with children again...do not use me as your weapon or threat...I will not beat your child for you...I will not take away their toys or treats...and I will not steal them away from home forever...Your child is a snot-nosed brat and I want nothing to do with it.

10. Unless you're hearing impaired please give me the courtesy of at least acknowledging that I spoke to you...one of these days I'm gonna start offering free $100 bills just to see how many people blur right past me without even making eye contact.

11. If you do acknowledge me, please be nice about it. If you don't want the card then just say "no thanks"...don't scowl at me, don't bark a rude "NO!" don't interrupt me after two words to say you "don't want whatever that damn thing is"...trust me...I wouldn't be bothering you with it if I didn't have to do this and I don't care if you don't want it anyway...the polite people however, do keep my soul from freezing.

12. If you think that my purpose for standing at the door is to be propositioned or harassed you have obviously gone to the wrong place. This is a store entrance not a street corner... plus you're 73, fat, and smell like cat-pee...get the fuck away from me. Next time I'm packing a tazer.

-- Spritzy

We at the Depot have a newish policy being thrust down our throats by corporate.

I say newish because its a rehash of our orientation training.

It even has an acronym FIRST.

Its on our aprons (underlined of course) and on a patch that we had to take a class to get (It was a 2 hour class WTF)

*F* Find the customer.

I agree, find them while wielding a blowtorch and grease paint that would make Rambo proud.

*I* Inquire about their project.

Wait, you really want us to find out what they think they can do with a sharp object?  "Of course you're doing little Johnny's science project for him, what a good mom you are."Gag me.

*R* Respect the customer.

....like they do us, right? "No, really holding the handsaw upside down will work for you, you just keep trying. You'll get it."

*S* Solve the customers problem.

Oh, wait, do it for them, right? So the fat broad in the powerchair can say she built her extra large casket herself.

*T* Thank the customer.

In my professional opinion, the only way I could thank them is chasing the DP's, spawn, and NAT's out of the fucking store with my paintball gun, with orange paintballs naturally.

Live orange!