Help Stop Retail Hell Inventory Injustices

It's that time of year again we all hate! INVENTORY! Some of us call it INVOMITORY for obvious reasons! In our pursuit to make our retail lives less hellacious, here's a letter Freddy wrote that should be sent to all retail store CEO's..and maybe Anderson Cooper...maybe he can stop the injustices of invomitory!

Help Make Change Happen During

Inventory At Our Stores


Dear Retail Stores of America,

I am writing you in regards to your Store's accounting procedure known as Inventory. It has come to my attention that your Retail Slaves are not exactly thrilled with their role in these brain-numbing hellacious bookkeeping-lolla-pa-loozas. Something must be done to correct the way you initiate them. The following is a list of expectations that need to be implemented:

1. Hire a company to do the actual inventory. Let your Retail Slaves do what their supposed to do, run your store. C'mon, it makes sense.

In the event you cannot comply with that simple, easy request, the following must be done:

2. Close at 1pm for Inventory. Better yet, don't even open. Business is crappy in January and August anyway, it's not like you'll miss anything. Custys will just come in and shop the day after. Your Slaves should not have to work graveyard Retail Hell till 3 am.Carolanne 052a  

3. Your inventory should be catered. Ideally by Kraft Services, In and Out Burger, PF Changs, California Pizza Kitchen, or any food company that can adequately feed your Retail Slaves all night long. Plenty of treats and drinks should be available at all times. Lattes and Red Bulls for everyone. Think of it as a movie shoot with a 60 million dollar budget. Same thing.

4. Breaks should be given at least every half hour. This keeps your Slaves from getting too tired scanning and counting. It gives them a chance to socialize, text, eat, and relax. When they return from break they are refreshed and ready to scan!

5. Massage therapists should be on hand to take out headaches and any muscular stress that occurs during inventory. Other forms of relaxation should be available as well: Facials, napping cots, and Play Stations and Wiis with plenty of games to choose from.

6. Since you are too cheap to hire an inventory company, all of your Retail Slaves should be paid double time for doing a job that really isn't their responsibility.Jason 057a

7. Under no circumstances should Retail Slaves who work Inventory night have to open the next morning. That is just cruel and unusual Retail Hell torture.

8. Pillows and comfortable furniture should be supplied for all Inventory Slaves. Spending hours on knees counting jeans can cause countless physical injuries that could create disabilities you don't want to have to pay for in the long run.

9. No Retail Slave should be forced to wear ridiculous aprons during inventory. What the fuck is that? It's inventory. Pajamas and sweats for everyone!

10. Recounting merchandise twice is MORE than adequate. Any more than that is neurotic, ridiculous, ADD Nazi Bitch behavior. So it's over or short by one. What-ev.

11. Retail Slaves should not be held accountable for computer fuck-ups late at night and be forced to stay past the demon hour of 3 am. When the computer goes down, cancel inventory and let your Slaves go home, well fed and paid in full for their time. The next morning, you hire an inventory company because you should have done that in the first place.


12. When inventory is over, an open bar should be available providing beer, wine, and seven different flavors of martinis, margaritas, and Shirley Temples. It's a thoughtful way to thank your Slaves for doing something they shouldn't have had to do in the first place.

Thank you for the attention to this matter. Implementing these new Inventory procedures will make your Retail Slaves less irritated and you will notice improve performances overall! I look forward to seeing these changes at the next Inventory!

Best Wishes,

(your name here) On behalf of all your Retail Slaves seeking a better Inventory Life.

Note: Please don't use your real name. The goal is not to be fired, but create awareness.

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