We hope the Regurgitating Returners aren't giving you too much bullshit. There's always a handful that can turn our day into Retail Hell. Unfortunately we can't always have RHU's Chauntlauroy around to take care of things, so here are some tips on how to handle them:
The Four "R's" of Returns
1. Retard Face
When a Customer questions your decision on how to handle their
return, give them a Retard Face. Blank stare, dumb look, no
movement of any kind. No comprendez. No speak English. No clue. Pretend to be Rain Man or an Alien. You want the Returner to know that you don't
understand anything they are saying or asking beyond your decision
regarding their return. The only thing you comprehend is that they
accept what you have told them.
2. Release the Beast
If a Customer raises their voice and starts to go Crazy
Mean, you have the option to meet them at their own level by raising
your own voice and go a little Crazy Mean yourself, especially if you are
100% in the right regarding the return issue. For instance: "This
greasy, dirty, USED barbecue you want to return did not come from our
store, we never carried this lower end brand!" Be sarcastic, truthful,
let the customer know THEY ARE NOT FUCKING RIGHT THIS TIME!!! Make sure
everyone in line behind them hears your brutal honesty (Just don't use
the F word like we did, you many get in trouble for that).
3. Revoke
This is VERY important Retail Slaves. There is no way in Retail Hell
you should have to stand there and listen to a Crazy Mean Customer yell
at you after you've given them your Retard Face and Released The Beast. That's it! You are done. Time to
REVOKE the bitch. Call in the manager or someone else to deal with the Fucking Bitch Returner. Managers are getting paid to handle the shit.
Why should you have to? Let them fight the
raging-out-of-control-customer-fire. Also if a Crazy Mean Customer says
the least little thing that offends you - REVOKE THEIR ASS BY CALLING
911!!
4. Reaction
Our friend Kendra on Myspace reminded us of a Return Reaction
that many of us use all the time and can be very useful if you have a
questionable return.
It's called Are You Kidding Me? or if you are really fed up and shocked by what you see, the Are You Fucking Kidding Me?
In any messy return instance you can either say, "Are you kidding me?" (we would not advice adding the fucking, but you can certainly think it) or you can use the Are You Fucking Kidding Me facial look.
Saying Are You Kidding Me?
is quite powerful and lets the Returner know you are not going to take
any shit if they fight you while trying to return something bogus like
a used dirty handbag they worn for six months and they are claiming
they got for Christmas.
The Are You Fucking Kidding Me
look is sort of like Retard Face, but more direct and ballbusting -
it's great for returns that did not come from your store or were
purchased on sale and attempting to be returned for full price. The Are You Kidding Me Look, can be achieved by wrinkling your brow, rolling your eyes, and grimacing or frowning. It's best if you prolong your Are You Fucking Kidding Me
look without saying anything and then follow it with a deep sigh. This
lets the Customer know that you are on to their nasty game.
Whether you say Are You Kidding Me or you think Are You Fucking Kidding Me,
it's a powerful Retail Slave tool to use. We can't always guarantee
that the customer will back down, but at least they'll know you are not
some stupid Retail Droid letting them get away with shit!
If only Chauntlauroy could be in charge of all Returns!
Send us your Regurgitating Return Stories and we'll post them on the Underground! [email protected]