Johnny Law's Retail Hell

Finally! A song and video about Retail Hell! Freddy is hyperventilating into a shopping bag, Carolanne is snapping pens in half, and Jason is curled up in the fetal position crying. It's an all too real account of our Retail Hell lives! Still it's catchy and funny! Thanks Johnny Law. Something tells us you must have been a Retail Slut like us. Nobody could write lyrics and create a video like that if they hadn't slaved in some kind of Retail Hell somewhere.

Jason's Bipolar Retail Rant On Inventory

Jason084 It is '2008'. A NEW YEAR. Time to start "FRESH"...forget about 'past fuckups' and 'customer asswipes' that I avoided like the BOOBONIC PLAGUE last year!.

Been watching "The Secret,".....trying to stay POSITIVE! YES POSITIVE! No more NEGATIVE NELLY thoughts...only POSITIVE POLLYANNA (she's way hotter and naughtier)..only good bad vibes..only UP'S!! ...NO DOwns..wait..what's that you say? It's WHAT TIME?


OH HELL NO. CRAP NO. FUCK NO. I HATE INVENTORY...I'D RATHER EAT A SHIT SANDWICH...FUCKING HATE IT!...HATE IT!....BITE ME Pollyanna! C'mon Negative Nelly! Lets GET DOWN and bitchslap this Retail Hell Hole.


The number counting..123456789....MY SKULL HURTS...The price checking...104.99, 34.99, 67.99...MY EYES HURT...the cleaning and organizing...MY BACK HURTS...the long hours on my knees...HEY, HEY, WATCH YOURSELVES - I'M TALKING ABOUT COUNTING MERCHANDISE HERE AND NOTHING ELSE - DOESN'T MATTER -.....INVENTORY makes me HURT ALL OVER!!

...been handed this strange looking device...state-of-the-art SCANNING GUN! DOES IT KILL SEWER RATS? Nothing happened when I aimed it at my MANAGER.....BLINKING and FLASHING...ALL OVER...GLOWING RED and YELLOW...EVERYWHERE..DOES IT TALK DIRTY?...What are you wearing? ... BUTTONS with numbers AND weird WORDS all OVER....What the fuck is PROGRAFUNCALLY...must be a NEW STD....And there are BUTTONS WITH ARROWS POINTING to MY CROTCH!!...WHAT IS THIS thing? HOW the HELL' do I thread this FUCKING THING!...SHIT!! IT'S BEEPING like a MICROWAVE! It's BEEPING FASTER! FASTER than 2 RABID RABBITS humping each OTHER!! I'M GOING TO DROP IT! or SMASH IT to SHIT......STooooooOOOP. W*A*I*T!!

Jason087_2 I know....I'll pretend the scangun went MISSING!...SHOVE this RAG TAG TOYS R'US PIECE OF SHIT up my MANAGER'S CONDESCENDING ASS! She won't even BURP!.....I could just TOSS it in the garbage can outside of Mrs. Field's Cookies in the Mall?...Are the scanguns traceable?....MAYBE I'll just sell it to some CUSTOMER'S BRATTY KID for $200 bucks and tell him it's a new Nintendo game...OH GOD NO..Can't DISPOSE of Scangun...THEY WILL go back to WRITING ON PAPER with fingers will bleed...and then I'll have to WIPE MY ASS with the INVENTORY SHEET and FLUSH....down the toilet... like in the old days...GOOD TIMES..Watching my jerk-off manager being taken away by ambulance because of a missing inventory sheet.

...WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? You want me to untangle and count a BIG WAD OF NECKLACES? F-YOU DONALD TRUMP....I'm not your bitch apprentice. YOU WANT ME TO count HUNDREDS of GRANDMA PANTIES?....Sorry MRS. CLINTON, NOT fucking DOING IT. LET ME OFF THIS RETAIL HELL GREYHOUND. MR. BUS DRIVER, YOU MISSED MY MANSION! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!(or all three GIRLS NEXT DOOR! I'm in LOVE with you Holly! Please let me move into the mansion, I'll be your own personal Retail Slut Slave) *@**# oh SHIT. Don't WANT TO COUNT. CAN'T COUNT. I'M HAVING AN INVENTORY MELTDOWN!Jason085_3

...GET ME A REAL GUN!...I need BEER. Where are MY MEDS?...BLUE PILL or RED PiLL? Liquid NITROGEN. Sniff some CRZY GLU?...NUMB2RS RAining in my BRAIN...Numb3r after fucking Num8er..IT'S MATRIX time!.. 283984371. ...ooooOOOOH.. pigeon tirds in rainbow pricetag colors.... 29.99..10.49..47.93...The EVIL Cosmetic Clowns are COMING to MAKE me COUNT lipsticks and fucking eyeliners! NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo! GOD SAVE ME from THIS RETAIL hell.


Vintage Inventory Hell


It was not so long ago in Inventory Retail Hell where we had to write down every fucking item in the store with a No. 2 pencil. Letters and numbers had to be Droid Perfect: No loopy 2's, sailboat 4's, or snowman 8's. Erasing was only allowed by managers. Many store inventories were all-night events - total Retail Hell! Although it's sometimes our enemy, the invention of the notorious Scangun has most definitely saved our asses. We'd much rather point a Star Trek phazer at a price tag then have to immaculately record the info ourselves with a No. 2 pencil. Fuck that! Our fingers ache just thinking about it. Still, inventory today sucks...more on that later.

The Customer Is Not Always Right Tip #1

Bird_womanAt RHU we stand firm in our belief THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! Regardless of how much cash they have in their hand or what color their credit card is. Sometimes The Customers are mean fucking bitches from hell. Sometimes they are delusional-dummies. Sometimes they are mistaken-bacon. Sometimes they are retard-wrong!

From time to time we will be bestowing tips on how to handle those "Always Right," Customers and Situations.

Here's our first one of the year:

The Customer is Not Always Right about how long they have been waiting in line for service.

This one any Retail Slave can relate to in just about any store. Hurried Customers always seem to think they have been waiting for hours, half-hours, quarter-hours, whatever. In most case it's like minutes and in some situations, even seconds. Why they act this way could be a thousand page dissertation on social behavior, but it doesn't matter to us. We are stuck listening to them bitch about their blown out-of-proportion timelines. Here are some ways to comeback at them:

The Evidence Comeback:

You notice facts about their timelines and then attack them like you are James Spader in Boston Legal.

Customer: "I've been waiting for half an hour!"

Retail Slave: "Actually, you've only been waiting for two minutes and thirty-six seconds. I saw you from across the room with the birds all over your jacket (refer to picture above) and when you arrived at my counter, you straighted the bird on your head. There was only one person in line in front of you and they asked me what time it was. I promptly looked at my watch and saw that it was 3:30 exactly. I am now helping you and my watch says 3:32 and forty six seconds."

You can used the Evidence Comeback in many ways, refferring to a nearby store clock, the register, the phone, the customers before them. Whatever works. And like James Spader in Boston Legal, it is okay to stretch the truth and twist it to your advantage.

The Poor Me Comeback:

Tell the customer that you are having a worse day than they are. One up them! Make your situation seem far worse than the fact they have had to wait a few minutes.

Customer: "I've been waiting for half an hour!"Queenshopper2_2

Retail Slave: "I so know what you mean. I didn't get a break all morning. I haven't had my lunch yet and I've been waiting to go for over two hours! I'm so hungry I could eat this hangar. Half the store called in sick, it's amazing we are even open. I'm feeling kind a queasy myself and my head hurts. I don't even know what time it is."

The trick is to complain so much, the customer forgets they complained.

Blame Someone or Something:

It doesn't matter if these things are true. The key here is to get the delusional customer to shut the fuck up.

"It's the register. The screen keeps freezing."

"The customer before you was a nightmare."

"We are short staffed."

"The phone won't stop ringing."

"The scanner is not working right."

Snappy Comebacks:

For just about any "I've been been waiting forever" complaint say:

"I've been waiting longer to find a husband!" (or "wife" if you are a straight dude)

"Has it really been a half hour? Time sure does fly when you're havin' fun!"

"No worries, I've had bowel movements that took longer."

"I know it sucks. Kinda like the 405 freeway. One minute your movin along and boom the next minute you are waiting forever!"

"Well your wait was worth it! You now have the best of the best in front of you!"

"I'm so sorry, how dreadful you had to wait a half hour. No one should ever have to wait that long. It's absolutely uncalled for and I will immediately tell the manager they need to hire more people as soon as I finish giving you outstanding service as quickly as possible so you may be on your way." (You will need to put your Retail Droid Face on for this and watch your tone. Some customers could pick up on the sarcasm.)

Customer Freak Alert: Influenza Flo


Look out Retail Slaves! Influenza Flo is on the loose and she is one dangerous, cesspool of sicko, disgusting grossness. She likes to make you wait on her even though she is sicko as hell, sneezing and dripping her nasty, vile snot all over the place. She always carries the box of tissues and was last seen at a mall in Northern California freaking out salespeople, who immediately felt sick after having to help her. We strongly advise you not to wait on Influenza Flow, otherwise this could happen.....CLICK HERE (only if you don't get grossed out easily)