The Customer Is Not Always Right Tip #1

Bird_womanAt RHU we stand firm in our belief THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! Regardless of how much cash they have in their hand or what color their credit card is. Sometimes The Customers are mean fucking bitches from hell. Sometimes they are delusional-dummies. Sometimes they are mistaken-bacon. Sometimes they are retard-wrong!

From time to time we will be bestowing tips on how to handle those "Always Right," Customers and Situations.

Here's our first one of the year:

The Customer is Not Always Right about how long they have been waiting in line for service.

This one any Retail Slave can relate to in just about any store. Hurried Customers always seem to think they have been waiting for hours, half-hours, quarter-hours, whatever. In most case it's like minutes and in some situations, even seconds. Why they act this way could be a thousand page dissertation on social behavior, but it doesn't matter to us. We are stuck listening to them bitch about their blown out-of-proportion timelines. Here are some ways to comeback at them:

The Evidence Comeback:

You notice facts about their timelines and then attack them like you are James Spader in Boston Legal.

Customer: "I've been waiting for half an hour!"

Retail Slave: "Actually, you've only been waiting for two minutes and thirty-six seconds. I saw you from across the room with the birds all over your jacket (refer to picture above) and when you arrived at my counter, you straighted the bird on your head. There was only one person in line in front of you and they asked me what time it was. I promptly looked at my watch and saw that it was 3:30 exactly. I am now helping you and my watch says 3:32 and forty six seconds."

You can used the Evidence Comeback in many ways, refferring to a nearby store clock, the register, the phone, the customers before them. Whatever works. And like James Spader in Boston Legal, it is okay to stretch the truth and twist it to your advantage.

The Poor Me Comeback:

Tell the customer that you are having a worse day than they are. One up them! Make your situation seem far worse than the fact they have had to wait a few minutes.

Customer: "I've been waiting for half an hour!"Queenshopper2_2

Retail Slave: "I so know what you mean. I didn't get a break all morning. I haven't had my lunch yet and I've been waiting to go for over two hours! I'm so hungry I could eat this hangar. Half the store called in sick, it's amazing we are even open. I'm feeling kind a queasy myself and my head hurts. I don't even know what time it is."

The trick is to complain so much, the customer forgets they complained.

Blame Someone or Something:

It doesn't matter if these things are true. The key here is to get the delusional customer to shut the fuck up.

"It's the register. The screen keeps freezing."

"The customer before you was a nightmare."

"We are short staffed."

"The phone won't stop ringing."

"The scanner is not working right."

Snappy Comebacks:

For just about any "I've been been waiting forever" complaint say:

"I've been waiting longer to find a husband!" (or "wife" if you are a straight dude)

"Has it really been a half hour? Time sure does fly when you're havin' fun!"

"No worries, I've had bowel movements that took longer."

"I know it sucks. Kinda like the 405 freeway. One minute your movin along and boom the next minute you are waiting forever!"

"Well your wait was worth it! You now have the best of the best in front of you!"

"I'm so sorry, how dreadful you had to wait a half hour. No one should ever have to wait that long. It's absolutely uncalled for and I will immediately tell the manager they need to hire more people as soon as I finish giving you outstanding service as quickly as possible so you may be on your way." (You will need to put your Retail Droid Face on for this and watch your tone. Some customers could pick up on the sarcasm.)

Customer Freak Alert: Influenza Flo


Look out Retail Slaves! Influenza Flo is on the loose and she is one dangerous, cesspool of sicko, disgusting grossness. She likes to make you wait on her even though she is sicko as hell, sneezing and dripping her nasty, vile snot all over the place. She always carries the box of tissues and was last seen at a mall in Northern California freaking out salespeople, who immediately felt sick after having to help her. We strongly advise you not to wait on Influenza Flow, otherwise this could happen.....CLICK HERE (only if you don't get grossed out easily)

RHZ Retail Hell Zone: Sicko Advice

Flu3_2You don't want to end up like this guy or Influenza Flo above, here are a few RHU tips for working in Influenza-ridden Retail Hell:

1. If you are waiting on sicko customers, get as far back from them as possible and if they sneeze, turn your head away. Who cares about Service Manners, if you don't do something about it immediately, your throat will be scratchy in a few hours. Do you really want that?

2. Same goes for co-workers. Yes, feel bad for them. They most likely got sick from a customer and they are being pressured to work by The Store or due to lack of sick day benefits. A couple of things to remember about working along side sicko co-workers: You do not want to go to lunch with them(are you crazy?), you do not want stand to close to them either, and you should be keenly aware if their hands are touching something you are touching. We recommend spraying the phones you talk on with some kind of disinfectant spray(if you don't have that use glass cleaner or whatever is available in your store) and also bringing a bunch of your own pens to work. Keep a few in your pocket for you to use and let the sicko people use the sicko-covered pens.

2. Do not touch your mouth or nose. You're just asking to become a sicko if you do that in Retail Hell during flu and cold season. Many of us have heard this nose/mouth thing before. It's harder than it sounds. Sometimes we don't think twice about scratching our noses or putting an index finger to our mouth in a Dr. Evil sort of way. Just remember touching the nose and mouth = sicko.

3. Carry around a small bottle of anti-bacterial soap. Wash yourself like you've committed a murder and you think the blood is still there. Wash yourself constantly and take many breaks to the bathroom for soap and water washings (though you should be careful in there as well, bathrooms can be sicko cesspools).

4. Get a fucking flu shot or mist (yes, they work). They do not hurt, you don't even feel the needle. Yes, you need to be healthy when you get it. They are not expensive. Not everyone agrees with the flu shot (we are split, but the one of us that does it - Freddy -has not been a sicko in years).

5. Drink up: Down Airborne and EmergenC in the morning and at night, they both work. In fact, Airborne now makes little on-the-go packets you can carry with you. If you are around any sickos get a water bottle so you can drink it whenever you want. We also recommend taking major amounts of vitamin C and zinc (both of those things are in Airborne and EmergenC).

6. Make sure you eat good and get lots of sleep. Yes, this is shit you've heard over and over and over, but the truth is we get sick when we are stressed, run down, and tired.Flu

7. If you start to feel like a sicko, run to the grocery store and buy as much anti-sicko medications as you can afford: Cold-Eez are great for getting rid of sore throats (they're like cough drops) and ZiCam is good stuff too. Also Vics has a new early defense micro gel spray that you snort (we have no idea if it works, but we'd buy it just cause ti sounds good).

8. If you get sick, we recommend buying as many sicko medications as possible and getting one of these contraptions that the woman has in the pic above. What really sucks about working Retail Hell while you're sick is not being able to blow when you want to and that is a major factor in getting the nastiness out of your body. Find away to blow when you want, drink lots of hot liquids (you have a legitimate health reason now to have coffee, tea, and soup in the stock room), and take as many flu drugs as your body can handle! After your shift take the stuff that will knock you on your ass. Our favorite RHU Flu cocktail is Theraflu mixed with Jack Daniels. Oh yeah. Good sicko times!

9. Believe it or not, there is an advantage to being sick in retail, and it's this: You have a good reason to avoid customers (and they want to avoid you) and you get sympathy from your Managers and co-workers who also don't want to get what you have. Take full advantage of being a sicko! Soak it for all its worth. Be as big a Retail Slave Baby as you possibly can. Ask to work in the stockroom, take a long lunch so you can sleep in your car, or go home early, do what you can to make being a sicko less horrible.

10. If your sicko-ness hits you hard and you're feeling like you have be overcome by the chicken flu, for godsake don't go to work at your Store just because your manager is pressuring you or you feel like there is no one to cover your shift. They will have to find someone to cover you. It's their problem. If it's a money issue, know that you can make it up later or perhaps your HR will let you use a vacation day. Give yourself that day or two you need to heal. You won't be going on any vacation anyways if you end up with bronchitis.

We hope those sicko suggestions help. Stay healthy out there Retail Slaves!

The Most Annoying Customer Line Ever: Excuse Me

Underground_photo_shoot2_5171The only time Excuse Me should be uttered by customers in a store is if a Perfume Squirter is chasing them down the escalator or they have grabbed a sale t-shirt at the same time as someone else and a fight is about to breakout. Using Excuse Me for those things is completely acceptable, but using it to hail one of us Retail Slaves should be made a punishable Retail Crime.

When Customers blurt on "Excuse me," as we all know, it's almost always while we are on the phone or helping another customer. It's often times said louder than a normal voice and sometimes even shouted. Where did all this rudeness come from? It has definitely gotten worse over the years. People can't seem to wait 30 seconds, let alone for their turn.

When a Customer says "Excuse me," what they are really saying is, "Drop what you are doing right now and pay attention to me."

What We Would Really Like to Say back is: "There's no excuse for you and your rude-ass behavior. I've decided not to help you. How do like those fuckin' apples." But of course we can't. We have to find some way to put on our Retail Droid face and pay attention to them while doing whatever it was they interrupted us from. Excuse Me is Multi-tasking Monkey Madness at its worst.

Excuse Me is almost always said in a condescending tone as well. Rarely do we hear a customer say, "I'm so very sorry to interrupt you on the phone, will you please excuse me, I most desperately need to find a bathroom." If a customer was ever this polite it sure as hell wasn't in our life times. Many times they don't even pause after shouting the irksome retail demand, "EXCUSE ME, WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?"

And we all know what usually follows the abominable Excuse Me phrase: Glaring eyes, annoying finger-snaps, and irritating fingernails tapping on counters.

Freddy wishes he could point a laser at those glaring eyes, Jason wants to break those snapping fingers, and Carolanne said if she hears one more fucking fingernail tapping on her designer class counter she is going to whip out a sledgehammer.

There is no excuse for using Excuse Me to get a Retail Slave's attention. We want it banned forever! Any customer that says Excuse Me should be fined $500 which would go into the Support Underpaid Retail Slaves Fund. We'd make more money that a swear jar in a prison dining room. Ka-ching, ka-ching, Beverly Hills here we come.

Our Dream Retail Hell Resolutions

Underground_photo_shoot2_019 1. Say What We Really Want To Say whenever we want!

2. Don't take any shit off of customers, co-workers, or managers.

3. Demand to work only opening shifts and have weekends off.

4. Demand a raise and get it.

5. Make all customers clean up after themselves. This would include re-folding massive amounts of jeans and t-shirts they have left in piles on the fitting room floors.

6. Take two hour lunches and hour breaks every day.

7. Leave early whenever we want and still get paid.

8. Demand that the Store give us "sick" days so when their customers give us the flu, we can stay home and still get paid.

9. Not lose commission on old shit customers return.

10. Be able to chew gum and text on our cells whenever we want.

11. Hire Merry Maids to do all the cleaning and picking up.

12. Demand that the Store give us European-style vacation time - that means nine weeks a year!

13. Answer the department phone only when we want to (which will be rarely).

14. Not work alone if we are paid hourly or work alone if we are on commission.

15. Stand up to any kind of Retail Hell by walking away from the situation whenever we want instead of standing there and taking it up the ass.

Retail Hell would be a lot less hellacious if even half of these Dream Resolutions came true. Oh, how we wish....