At RHU we stand firm in our belief THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! Regardless of how much cash they have in their hand or what color their credit card is. Sometimes The Customers are mean fucking bitches from hell. Sometimes they are delusional-dummies. Sometimes they are mistaken-bacon. Sometimes they are retard-wrong!
From time to time we will be bestowing tips on how to handle those "Always Right," Customers and Situations.
Here's our first one of the year:
The Customer is Not Always Right about how long they have been waiting in line for service.
This one any Retail Slave can relate to in just about any store. Hurried Customers always seem to think they have been waiting for hours, half-hours, quarter-hours, whatever. In most case it's like minutes and in some situations, even seconds. Why they act this way could be a thousand page dissertation on social behavior, but it doesn't matter to us. We are stuck listening to them bitch about their blown out-of-proportion timelines. Here are some ways to comeback at them:
The Evidence Comeback:
You notice facts about their timelines and then attack them like you are James Spader in Boston Legal.
Customer: "I've been waiting for half an hour!"
Retail Slave: "Actually, you've only been waiting for two minutes and thirty-six seconds. I saw you from across the room with the birds all over your jacket (refer to picture above) and when you arrived at my counter, you straighted the bird on your head. There was only one person in line in front of you and they asked me what time it was. I promptly looked at my watch and saw that it was 3:30 exactly. I am now helping you and my watch says 3:32 and forty six seconds."
You can used the Evidence Comeback in many ways, refferring to a nearby store clock, the register, the phone, the customers before them. Whatever works. And like James Spader in Boston Legal, it is okay to stretch the truth and twist it to your advantage.
The Poor Me Comeback:
Tell the customer that you are having a worse day than they are. One up them! Make your situation seem far worse than the fact they have had to wait a few minutes.
Retail Slave: "I so know what you mean. I didn't get a break all morning. I haven't had my lunch yet and I've been waiting to go for over two hours! I'm so hungry I could eat this hangar. Half the store called in sick, it's amazing we are even open. I'm feeling kind a queasy myself and my head hurts. I don't even know what time it is."
The trick is to complain so much, the customer forgets they complained.
Blame Someone or Something:
It doesn't matter if these things are true. The key here is to get the delusional customer to shut the fuck up.
"It's the register. The screen keeps freezing."
"The customer before you was a nightmare."
"We are short staffed."
"The phone won't stop ringing."
"The scanner is not working right."
For just about any "I've been been waiting forever" complaint say:
"I've been waiting longer to find a husband!" (or "wife" if you are a straight dude)
"Has it really been a half hour? Time sure does fly when you're havin' fun!"
"No worries, I've had bowel movements that took longer."
"I know it sucks. Kinda like the 405 freeway. One minute your movin along and boom the next minute you are waiting forever!"
"Well your wait was worth it! You now have the best of the best in front of you!"
"I'm so sorry, how dreadful you had to wait a half hour. No one should ever have to wait that long. It's absolutely uncalled for and I will immediately tell the manager they need to hire more people as soon as I finish giving you outstanding service as quickly as possible so you may be on your way." (You will need to put your Retail Droid Face on for this and watch your tone. Some customers could pick up on the sarcasm.)