Retail Slut and Whore New Year Resolutions

Th_carolanne13 Okay Sluts and Whores! It's the start of the New Year and you are a Retail Slave. As the crowd chaos simmers down in The Store, now there's time for a bit of Self Retail Reflection. Ugh. Yes this is painful, but read on. One of four things is going on in your Retail Hell life right now:

1) You're a Retail Slut, you hate your retail job and want to make that transition into the career you've dreamed about(like us).

2) You're a Retail Slut, you don't really hate your retail job, but your heart says you should be doing something else, you're just not sure what.

3). You're a Retail Whore, you hate your current retail position for whatever reasons, but you love the world of retail and all its hustle and bustle. You want more out of retail.

4.) You're a Retail Whore, you love your retail job, and feel content with it, except maybe you're not making enough or you're having trouble being the best at it.

Most of us Retail Slaves can find ourselves emotionally attached to one of these situations. Love or hate Retail, we all have some sort of aspiration surrounding it, whether it be to get the fuck out or make more fuckin money!Jason21

In this New Year, RHU wants you to get the most out of your Retail Life. In the upcoming book, The Retail Hell Survival Guide, there will be a crapload of tools and info to help you deal with these situations, but for now we are offering a simple New Years Resolution approach.

Pick the number below that matched the Retail Anxiety number you related to above.

1) For Retail Sluts Who Have a Dream Career: Take a cool piece of paper (a fun color or texture) and write on it with a marker: I am______.  Fill in the blank. You could write, I am a fucking idiot for working retail, but today we are focusing on who you WANT to be, not who you are right now. So go for the dream goal as if you have accomplished it. I am a Singer. I am a Writer. I am a Doctor. I am an Actress. I am a Real Estate Agent. I am a Garbage Truck Driver. Whatever floats your boat. The piece of paper doesn't have to be huge, but it needs to catch your attention like one of myspace's crazy ads (the scary-evil baby with laser eyes always gets us). Then hang this statement by your computer or somewhere you can see it often. Next: Do ONE thing this Month that will move you into the direction of Who You Want To Be. If you can do more than one thing, great, but don't stress over it. Doing at least one major thing and taking one step toward your dream is an awesome way to start the year.

2) For Retail Sluts Who Have No Dream Career: Do the same as above with the cool paper and marker, only write out the sentence: What would I love to do? Since you don't know what career you'd like to have, but you know retail isn't it, this will be a reminder to keep the question circulating in your brain. Too often it's easy to get lost in the Retail Vortex and you don't even think about thinking about other options. Put your What You'd Love To Do question somewhere you can see it and contemplate the answer all month. Next: Make a list of careers that you admire and then investigate them. Check them out online or talk to friends. Be creative with your thinking. The hope is that by the end of the month you'll find something you'd rather do other than retail.  Then it's time to take that step and move toward it.Freddy12

3) For Retail Whores Who Have Higher Retail Dreams: Follow the same instructions with the paper and marker, and write on it: I am_______. Fill in the blank with your Retail Dream goal as if you have accomplished it. Here are some examples: I am now working at Neiman Marcus making 100 grand a year. I am now the Store Manager. I am working at a store I love.  I am the owner of my own potato chip store. Whatever rocks your world. Then hang your retail statement somewhere you will see it daily, and just like the Retail Sluts, your next step will be to do ONE major thing that advances you in the direction of that goal. This could be deciding what store you want to work at and finding out how to get hired, or if you want to move up in your own store letting your store manager know. Again, this doesn't have to be a huge step, the idea is do ONE thing this month that will get you moving in the right direction.

4) For Retail Whores Who Love Their Position But Are Struggling: Find that piece of paper and write on it I am____. Fill in the blank with a positive solution to whatever problem you are having at your store. I am the number one salesperson. I am making more money. I am getting along with my stupid-ass manager. Whatever. Write it as if it's been taken care of. Regarding money issues: Listen to us! Loving and being content with your retail job is not a horrible thing, but you shouldn't have to live in a shithole apartment or eat PBJ sandwiches for a week either. Perhaps your goal should be to find away to make more money at your retail job or outside of it. Next: Do ONE thing that you have been avoiding that can make your retail job better or financially more fulfilling. This could mean taking a class or securing more hours. It could also mean robbing a bank because your retail job is not going to give you more money! But the thing here is to remember that you are not bound by the Store, you are bound by your thinking. If you think beyond the Store's constraints, your mind will open to possibilities you didn't see before.

If you're a Retail Slave that is lucky enough to not find yourself in any of these Retail Hell situations and in need of no advice concerning your Retail job, then we say GOODY FUCKING GOODY for you! Seriously, that's awesome. Enjoy yourself. Keep it up! Now you can focus your resolutions on all the other shit that dragged you down last year. Make 08 your best year yet Retail Slaves!Th_decemberretailhell0212



We thought this best represented how we feel today! Happy 2008! If you're lucky enough not to be working today, we recommend doing what the dogs are doing. They have the right idea.

Toast Your Slutdom or Whorishness!!!

We worked our asses off during the last two weeks, Retail Slaves it's time to kick back, relax, and enjoy your life. Whether you are a Retail Slut or Retail Whore toast your good friends and family with whatever elixir makes your taste buds delirious. Oh and eat yourself into a coma. That's a must!

May your New Year's Eve be whatever wild groove you want to be - partyin' your ass off at some club, getting plastered with friends and playing games, hangin out with family and eating till your sick, or doing whatever you love to do on your own couch in your own home (we hope it's something fun and nasty).

If you have to slave away in Retail Hell tomorrow, we demand that you don't curb those New Year's Eve festivities you want to do tonight. Who cares if you are bleary-eyed from watching a marathon of Sex In The City or all three Lord of the Rings movies or you have a hangover that feels like someone beat you with a shopping bag full of rocks.      

Be a fucking New Year's Day Retail Zombie!

No one will give a shit. The good thing about New Years Day is there are practically no managers workers (company costs) and no Discount Rat Crazies waiting to stampede through the door to buy a five dollar computer. Yes, there will be Psycho Shoppers and Returners to drive you crazy, but hopefully you won't get any of those until after you consumed a gallon of coffee.

Have a safe, fun New Year's Eve everyone!

Don't Give Me Any Crap

Freddy1_2Our newest periodic feature on Retail Hell Underground will be What I Really Wanted To Say. We've all be there. Trapped behind a counter and forced to be a Retail Droid and answer the insanity with a response that most definitely is not what we are thinking inside. Today's WIRWTS comes from Freddy and has to do with the topic at hand this week: Returns.

Customer: I want to return this handbag and you better not give me any crap.

Freddy: Umm...okay, Ma'am. Do you have your receipts?


Freddy: I only wanted to know if you have your receipts so I can process the return faster.

Customer: Don't give me that. You're accusing me of stealing. I know what you're doing and I don't appreciate it. Maybe you did not hear me? I said if you give me any crap, I am going to Customer Service.

Freddy: I understand. No problem. Let me process this return for you.

What Freddy Really Wanted To Say:

How about if I rip off your head and shove so much crap down your throat it will shoot out your ass, you rude pyscho bitch. Get the fuck out of my face. Take your shit up to Customer Service, I'm going to lunch.

Suicide By Scangun

We doubt suicide by scangun is possible (unless you beat yourself to death with it) but we all feel like this sometimes, especially now with so many markdowns and fucking inventory on the way. This pic was sent to us by a Retail Slut at a Big Fancy Department Store, he's had it with checking prices. It's too bad the scanguns aren't more Star Trek-like and shoot lasers that evaporate annoying Discount Rats who want us to check everything for a lower sale price.

Another Retail Hell Return Reaction Tip


Our friend Kendra on Myspace reminded us of another Return Reaction that we use all the time and can be very useful if you have a questionable return. It's called Are You Kidding Me? or if you are really fed up and shocked by what you see, the Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

In any messy return instance you can either say, "Are you kidding me?" (we would not advice adding the fucking, but you can certainly think it) or you can use the Are You Fucking Kidding Me facial look.

Saying Are You Kidding Me? is quite powerful and lets the Returner know you are not going to take any shit if they fight you while trying to return something bogus like a used dirty handbag they worn for six months and they are claiming they got for Christmas.

The Are You Fucking Kidding Me look is sort of like Retard Face, but more direct and ballbusting - it's great for returns that did not come from your store or were purchased on sale and attempting to be returned for full price. The Are You Kidding Me Look, can be achieved by wrinkling your brow, rolling your eyes, and grimacing or frowning. It's best if you prolong your Are You Fucking Kidding Me look without saying anything and then follow it with a deep sigh. This lets the Customer know that you are on to their nasty game.

Whether you say Are You Kidding Me or you think Are You Fucking Kidding Me, it's a powerful Retail Slave tool to use. We can't always guarantee that the customer will back down, but at least they'll know you are not some stupid Retail Droid letting them get away with shit!

The phrase Are You Fucking Kidding Me is one we use a lot for everything in our Retail Hell and it will be showing up again as a regular segment here on Retail Hell Underground. Stay sane out there Retail Slaves.