A Distant Relative To Rudolph

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Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer

Rudolpha The Big-assed Nasty-Ass-Thief

You know Sleazy and Sketchy

And Scuzzy and Scummy

Douchebag and Putrid

And Freaky and Skanky

But do you recall

The most famous Nasty-Ass-Thief of them all

Rudolpha the big-assed Nasty-Ass-Thief

Had a really BIG FAT ASS

And if you were ever near it

You would choke from all its gas

All of the other Nasties

Used to bitch and call her names

They never let fat ass Rudolpha

Help with any criminal games

Then one busy Christmas Eve

Ringleader Nasty came to say

Rudolpha with your ass so fuckin stout

Won’t you block the security camera out

Then all of the Nasties loved her

Because they got a stealing spree

Rudolpha the big-assed Nasty-Ass-Thief

You are queen of all Retail Thievery!

Merry Shoplifting you fuckin Nasty Ass Thieves!!!


Jason's Bipolar Letter To Santa

Rhu_0056_2Dear Santa (You obnoxious fat elf!),

I revised my X-MAS list from last year HOPING that I will GET EVERYTHING on it this time around! I have been a very good Retail Slave. DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME...lumps of your white pubes in my stocking...and PLEASE CLEAN UP THE REINDEER SHIT that your "ROADKILL" companions leave on my kitchen floor every year!!!

This is what I want Santa and you better not disappoint:

1.) THERAFLU AND WHISKEY...Hey, I'm an INSOMNIAC LIKE YOU! Retail Hell is killing me. A 3 YEAR COMA would do my body good....Hey CLAUS...if you have any magic Christmas dust to snort, I will take that instead!

2). A year supply of GIFT CERTIFICATES to my favorite celebrity AA MEETINGS and ANGER RETAIL MANAGEMENT CLASSES. A few SPA days at Spearmint Rhino wouldn't hurt either.

3). A FLAME THROWER AND MISSILE LAUNCHER...Somebody has to take out the speakers playing that shitty Christmas music and the crappy IN-STORE Christmas trees and decorations.

Rhu_0031jpg4). A Rubber Ducky...DON'T ASK.

5). A SNOWBALL-SHOOTING MACHINE GUN that can take out pissy Managers, bitchy customers and Sharky Sale-Stealin Co-workers. Hell Yeah! Fire up those ice balls!

6). An I-PHONE WITH A FOREIGN DICTIONARY (OF SLANG)...I want to broaden my cultural insults by saying "Kiss my Retail Hell Ass" in 28 different languages. Sure fire get-me-laid pick-up lines would be nice too.

7). NUMB-CHUCKS...to take out customers who ask STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS! Here's your answer biatch!

8.) BOX OF CONDOMS...with bells and whistles!...Tis the season...RELIEVE HOLIDAY RETAIL HELL STRESS (Not like I'll be able to use them).

9.) REMOTE CONTROL UFO...So I can hover it over STORE MANAGER'S HOUSES late at night and watch them SCREAM LIKE BABIES! If I'm really pissed off at the stock duties they made me do that day, I'd like my UFO equipped with lasers to crash through their windows and vaporize their genitals.

Rhu_0041 AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...

10). SAMANTHA CLAUS (your SMOKIN-HOT daughter)...she must get VERY BORED living all alone up AT THE NORTH POLE...I have a CANDY-CANE she can lick! Slaving away in Retail Hell gets very lonely this time of year.

P.S. SANTA IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME WHAT I WANT...I'M GOING TO PEE IN YOUR GLASS OF MILK...AND PUT EXLAX IN YOUR SUGAR COOKIES!!!!!

P.S.S. ...HO...HO...HOE MRS. CLAUS (You MILF! You know you want me!)

With all sincerity,

The VERY NICE and NEVER NAUGHTY,

JASON...of Retail Hell Underground...

MERRY FREAKIN CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A HAP-HAP CRAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


Holidaze Helper Tip #4: FORGET CHIRSTMAS CARDS

Christmasgreetingcards1_2 If you are one of those people that send out Christmas cards, our Holidaze Helper Tip for today is to FORGETTA-BOUT-IT! Sure if you stayed up till 3 am tonight you might get those cards out in time, but it's just gonna cause you a bunch of stress you don't need - all over some trumpted up paper-pushing, US Mail money-making tradition. Xmas cards ain't cheap and the postage that goes on them ain't cheap either. When the Christmas Card Tradition is said and done, sending cards out to say 50 of your friends and realtives could cost upwards of $50. Do you really have fifty bucks to blow on some paper and stamps? Hell no. That money could go towards vodka or chocolate! We say if you feel the need to wish Happy Holidays to friends and family you don't talk to often, send them an email. It's free and easy. Send them a holiday card email. Of course there are some people that you feel inclined to send a card to even if the last thing you want to do is address an envelope, find stamps, and then take it to a mailbox. To this we have your answer.....Our Retail Hell Holiday Card....CLICK HERE.


It's Not About the Snow

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Let It Snow!

What a Ho

Oh this customer at the counter is frightful

She’s a bitch and so despiteful

I wish I could get in her face and go

You’re a ho! You’re a ho! You’re a ho!

It doesn’t look like she’s stopping

I brought some Tylenol for popping

This wench makes my anger grow

What a ho! What a ho! What a ho!

When she finally stops the gripe

How I’ll love pointing to the door

But she’ll probably put up a fight

And scream at me across the store

My energy is slowly dying

And, my nerves, they’re still deep-frying

As long as she yells at me so

What a ho! What a ho! What a ho!

Such a ho! Such a ho! Such a ho!