BLOODSUCKING CUSTOMER FREAK ALERT!!!

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Be on the look out for Madame Marie Antwoniettiansarcrazian. In this exclusive Retail Hell Underground photo she holds the shrunken head of Kimberly from a Home Store. This Bloodsucking Customer Freak is known to ask the same question over and over again until your head shrivels up. Do you want to end up like poor little Kimberly here? Word on the escalator is Antwoniettiansarcrazian has a closet full of shrunken Retail Slave Heads. This Bloodsucker MUST BE STOPPED! If you see her please report to us immediately - we will send someone over to vaporize her. Better yet - leave a comment here and tell us what you think should be done to her!


SALES SUCK!!! It's Recovery Time!

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For many of us Retail Slaves this last week has been all about sales. Half Year Sales. Friends and Family Sales. Pre Holiday Sales. The 12 Hour Break-My-Ass Sale. And we all know sales bring in Crazies and Blooksucking Customer Freaks. As Black Friday looms just weeks away and our Stores desperately attempt to cash in on pre-holiday volume by having Sales on all the shit nobody wants, we Retail Slaves need to pace ourselves. We love the extra $hours and commissions that sales bring, but they can quickly turn us into Retail Zombies. And we don't want that. Next month the R-Z Virus will be epidemic proportions.

Take advantage of these Sale Recovery Rules from The Retail Hell Survival Guide.

Close the door of your bedroom: lock it, barricade it, turn off your phone and sleep all day. Only get out of bed for food. If you are lucky enough to have roommates, lovers, partners, spouses - make them bring the food to your bed.

Two words: Day Spa. You have a credit card. Now is the time to use it. There is a massage waiting for you.

Two more words: Hair Salon. So the day spa almost put you over your credit limit. Pull out another card. I'm guessin you have had hair done since September. Better do it now. If you are afflicted with Retail Zombie Disease at least you look fabulous.

Entertain yourself:  12 hours of Sony Play Station, 6 hours of DVD watching, 10 hours of knitting, 4 hours of movie theatre hopping, 2 hours of basketball, 3 hours of panning for gold, 2 hours of painting mugs - do the thing that rings your Passion Bell! You should not have to think about shit. Time to ZONE OUT Slaves!

Go out with friends: Have beers and tacos, sushi and Saki, hot dogs and non-alcoholic beer, Apple-tinis and Blackberry-tinis - whatever! Just hang out with your buds and have fun. If you are married with kids you have two options here: Get the baby sitter or do something fun with the kids (Apple-tinis are out, but just being with them and making up the time you lost last week during Retail Sale Hell will revitalize your soul).

Absolutely under NO circumstance go into any Store for anything: You've just spent a week in Retail Sale Hell. Crowds, muzak, and register beeps are the last thing you should be subjecting yourself to.

That should get you started. Be creative. Go for walks and catch up with friends! This is it Slaves. The Holidays are coming. Enjoy the calm before the storm!


Retail Slut Slave Face

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Fall frustration from A Women's Accessories Retail Slut Viewer in California. His Hot Sale Items of the day aren't selling. We suggest lighter fluid and a match.


THIS JUST IN...

Freddy1 Freddy, who is in Commissioned Sales at a Big Fancy Department Store, tells us his Retail Slut friend Tiffany who works in the Childrens Shoes area opened her paycheck for the October 31st pay period and this happened....CLICK HERE


The Retail Hell Survival Guide Tip #153

With your Retail Radar you spot a well-known Crazy Customer migrating toward your counter or department. What do you do? Get your ass to the counter's phone ASAP, pick it up and pretend to be handling a problem customer. This will take some Academy Award winning acting, but the consequences of having to wait on Crazy Customer are far more draining that the energy you'll put into your phone performance. Continue Phone Acting until someone else helps Crazy Customer. If you are by yourself and there is no one else around to help Crazy Customer, by all means continue Phone Acting. There's a small chance Crazy Customer will get tired of waiting and leave. If Crazy Customer doesn't leave, you are pretty much fucked and will have to wait on them anyway, but hey- you gave it your best Retail Slave shot!


RETAIL WHORE OR RETAIL DROID?

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We know she isn't a Retail Slut. She looks WAY too comfortable and happy to be at her counter. So the question is Whore or Droid? The smile suggests she could be a Retail Whore - content with retail life, but...those perfectly placed hands, precision smile, and laser-like eyes say only one thing to us. The Store assimilated her...This Slave is a FULL-ON Retail Droid. The proof is HERE.