With your Retail Radar you spot a well-known Crazy Customer migrating toward your counter or department. What do you do? Get your ass to the counter's phone ASAP, pick it up and pretend to be handling a problem customer. This will take some Academy Award winning acting, but the consequences of having to wait on Crazy Customer are far more draining that the energy you'll put into your phone performance. Continue Phone Acting until someone else helps Crazy Customer. If you are by yourself and there is no one else around to help Crazy Customer, by all means continue Phone Acting. There's a small chance Crazy Customer will get tired of waiting and leave. If Crazy Customer doesn't leave, you are pretty much fucked and will have to wait on them anyway, but hey- you gave it your best Retail Slave shot!
We know she isn't a Retail Slut. She looks WAY too comfortable and happy to be at her counter. So the question is Whore or Droid? The smile suggests she could be a Retail Whore - content with retail life, but...those perfectly placed hands, precision smile, and laser-like eyes say only one thing to us. The Store assimilated her...This Slave is a FULL-ON Retail Droid. The proof is HERE.
Buyers and Managers are in your face to sell and promote merchadise that should be thrown into a fire pit:
MANAGER: Are you suggestive selling the Green Smock to every customer?
BUYER: The Beehive Trellis blouse and skirt are what's in. Push them on every customer!
MANAGER: Every one of your customers should be leaving here with that Green Smock.
BUYER: We own thousands of Beehive Trellis blouses in the region. Add one on to every sale!
MANAGER: Your not leaving today until you sell at least 4 Green Smocks.
BUYER: We are overbought. You need to sell Beehive Trellis sets before I buy your store anything else.
MANAGER: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN SMOCK! SELL! SELL! SELL!
BUYER: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BEEHIVE TRELLIS! SELL! SELL! SELL!
You smile like a good Retail Droid and say: You betcha! Sell! Sell! Sell!
Only in Retail Hell.
Look what else they want us to magically sell: click here.
But wait...I haven't thrown away my rotting pumpkin or taken down the witch crashing into my front door. What do you mean Holiday Hell is beginning?
Actually for all Retail Slaves it started somewhere in the middle of September when we were forced to attend one lobotomizing meeting after another as management freaked out about the upcoming 4th quarter. All of this freaking out only intensifies starting November 1st as Black Friday looms weeks away. You walk into work and its "4th Quarter this" and "Holiday that."
We Retail Sluts at Retail Hell Underground are sick of that shit. It's fucking November 1st! Shut the Retail Hell up about Holiday for chrissake.
If you are having days in the upcoming weeks of Holiday overkill from your Store, when you get off of work you need to do something that will take your brain in another direction for several hours. Here are some suggestions:
1. Go to a movie: Saw IV or Across the Universe. Take your pick. You will not be thinking about Holiday. We guarantee it. Do not watch TV - there may be Holiday ads that break the work you are trying to do.
2. Go to a firing range and shoot guns.
3. Spend 3 hours on Play Station or Wii playing only games where you can kill things.
4. Have sex. Lots and lots of sex.
5. Finish reading the last Harry Potter book that you know you haven't finished reading yet.
6. Play with your kids. They are not in Holiday mode yet. They will want to do more important things like storm the castle, dress dolls, and be silly. You need silly after a long Retail Hell Day.
7. If you like to cook - make a 12 course meal for your friends and family. It could be your last free moment to do so (God knows you won't be doing it on Thanksgiving). Cook for friends or family, just so long as they know this rule: No retail talk. This must be established because if retail talk beings, inevitably some moron will bring up Holiday. And you are trying to avoid that fucking word right now.
8. If you don't like to cook - hit a great restaurant/bar with friends! Mango martinis and blackberry mojitos! You must apply the same "no retail talk" rule. Britney and Republican gay sex scandals are perfect topics, but no retail!
9. Nap. Hell, go to bed early. This could be your last one until January. Just do not think about Holiday.
10. Arts and crafts. Painting, knitting, sculpting - whatever. Just like napping, this could be your last free moment to enjoy it. If you don't do arts and crafts try this: For the men: Booze and porn. For the women: Booze and non-holiday romantic comedies.
Okay Slaves. Try not to think about Holiday right now. Do what you have to do.
Her face pyschotic, her gray roots scary, her bloody dress nasty....but the waist pouch/fanny pack hanging from her hips? Absolutely HORRIFYING. All Retail Slaves should go on break at the sight of a waist pouch/fanny pack. Man, woman, child, leprechaun, whatever...fanny pack/waist pouches are a sign of crazy-ass trouble.
Her name is Bloodsucker Bavaro because she will suck the life right out of any Retail Slave she encounters, asking the same moronic questions over and over, attempting to return old merchandise without reciepts, and annoying you until you blackout and fall to the floor unconsious. If you see her, alert Retail Hell Underground immediately and we will unleash the hounds of Retail Hell.