Religious Freaks: "Veggie Tales, And I'll Pray For You!"


Jason crossFrom Puppies In Prada

Religious Freak sighted!

Donation door time. Things are moving along, when an elderly lady and her husband come to the door. She has stuff to donate.

K. Cool. What'cha got? Okay, some clothes, misc housewares.

And then she pulls out a little wall clock with some... er... vegetables with faces. Okay, I do not understand this fashion of putting faces on my food, but whatever. (Seriously, Shopkins disturb me. Maybe I'm a snobby American, but food should not still have its freaking face. It's like it's watching you devour its flesh...)

... *ahem*

Her: "And this Veggie Tales Clock. Are you familiar with them?"

Me: "Ah, no. No I'm not familiar with them. But I'm sure someone who is will love this clock."

Her: "Oh, are you a Christian?"

This can't end well. Fuck. Me.

Me: "No, ma'am. I'm not."

Her: "Oh, well never mind then."

She adds it to the donation pile and I write up a receipt. Then she spots my shirt.

Shirt: "Sweet mother, sweet mother, send your child unto me, for the sins of the unworthy must be baptized in blood and fear."

For those not in the geekdom, it's a prayer from the Elder Scrolls game series, to summon the Dark Brotherhood... a guild of assassins. A wee bit disturbing, perhaps, but I am also the kind of person who would wear a Heartless shirt over a Sora shirt, or an Umbrella shirt over a S.T.A.R.S shirt, or an Aperture Laboratories shirt over a Chell shirt. [Also geek references. If you don't get them, google them. *shrugs*]

Her: *Horrified expression*

Me: "It's a game reference, ma'am."

Carolanne omgHer: "Have you accepted Jesus!?"

Fuck. Me. Again. I just told you I'm not a Christian.

Me: "No ma'am. I'm not a person of faith."

Woman: "I will pray for you."

And I'll talk to my pet parrot for you. It will net the same results.

Me: *politely* "If it makes you happy, by all means, ma'am."

Her: "No, really, I'll pray that you'll find Jesus and be saved by God."

I read the Bible. That's WHY I'm an atheist, precious. And maybe you MEAN well, but you're basically praying that my free will is forcibly subjugated and that I am forced to surrender it in order to blindly believe in something that I don't believe in. Not. Appreciated.

Me: [patented Retail Smile (TM)] "Okie dokie, ma'am. Have a lovely day and enjoy the beautiful spring weather! Bye bye now!"

Fellow atheist coworker: "Did she lose Jesus again? I swear they need to put a bell on him or something."


Related but non-retail story:

I tell my mom about my encounter:

Me: "Do YOU know what Veggie Tales is about?"

Mom: "Well, it's a kid's show and they tell Bible stories through the vegetables."

Me: "...Boy I bet they dumb that way the fuck down. The Bible is FULL of sex and violence. Hell, God drowning the world is pretty damn dark."

Mom: "...well in the show, the world is filled with soup."

Me: "?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Within the context of the world, that's FUCKING SICK! That means "God" is literally chopping them up and boiling them! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR KIDS?!"

I tried watching one episode on youtube just to say I was open minded. I lasted 30 seconds because an asparagus spoke in a voice that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. After the fourth light bulb in the house shattered, I gave up.

--Puppies In Prada


Religious Freaks: Do YOU Know Jesús?


Carolanne heft crossFrom stoicme, TalesFromRetail

I'm at work the other day, when I see a lady looking at the video game cases. Being the good little employee I am I walked over and asked if she needs any help.

Please read all of her parts in a stereotypical southern accent, to get the full effect

"Do you guys have any Christian video games for the Wii?"

Woo... I was pretty sure I knew where this was going, But I was at work, so I had to be nice, so I politely told her that we don't have any christian games.

"Oh, well how about some Christian karaoke games for the Wii?"

What? I just told you we don't have any Christian video games. Specifying isn't going to magically make some appear. Again, I told her we didn't have any.

"Well that's too bad. I played that Glee karaoke game, and it was really fun, but I just hate how they force their anti-christian values on people. You know... like with that one boy."

So, at this point, she hadn't said it outright, but it was pretty obvious she was homophobic, and being a gay man myself, I tend to be unwilling to deal with those customers. Right about now is when I tell customers I can't help them anymore, but I'll happily get another associate to help them, but before I could, this lady spoke again.

"Have you heard about Jesus?"

Whelp, my day just got more fun. I look at her and reply

"Yeah, of course I have, he cleans the floors in the morning. Nice guy." (Just a note, one of our cleaning guys IS named Jesús, and a few of my coworkers have mistakenly read his name as Jesus.)

"NO NO NO!" the woman exclaimed "I'm not talking about 'hey-zoos', I'm talking about JEEEEEZ-US! Our Lord and Savior!"

"Oh... well I'm not sure who you're talking about then..." I replied with a completely straight face. "I don't know any Lords or any other kind of royalty."

"Oh hun!" the woman exclaimed "You've never heard of the man who died so you may live?!?"

"Guess not..."

"Well I can teach you! Right here, right now! How would you like to learn about JEEEEZ-US Christ?"

"Well I kind of have work to do... but I'll... uh... Google the guy... was that J-E-E-Z-U-S?"

At this point, the woman adopts the most shocked and confused look I have ever seen. She corrects me on the spelling, and wishes me a merry CHRIST-mas (with special emphasis on the "Christ") and heads out of my department.



Religious Freaks: A Wronged Gym Worker


Carolanne holy spiritsFrom ninjastrength86, TalesFromRetail

I work in a gym and part of our guest pass policy is that if someone has been on a guest pass in the last six months they are not eligible for another one.

Well a guy came in to the club wanting a guest pass since he just told me he just had one so I told him he wasn't eligible for one.

He immediately stood up from my desk and started yelling at me for wasting his time. Called me an ass and wouldn't let me get a word in. He then mentioned he was a Christian and his church had come for a group free work out.

I was shocked that someone who was being so horribly rude would identify as a Christian so I asked him what church he went to.

He didn't answer and just told me he would be calling my manager. Well he called and had three other people from his work who i have never even seen call and complain about me.

I got written up because he said I was rude and discriminated against him because of his religion.

If I get one more write up I'll get fired. My wife is pregnant with my first child and if I get fired I'm screwed. I just can't believe someone who calls themselves a Christian would treat people like that just for a free week at the gym. It's disgusting.



Religious Freaks: "Then You Can't Work Here!"


Jason crossFrom JohnnyNewtonia, TalesFromRetail

I don't know if TFR accepts bad co-worker stories, but I figured I'd give it a try, I see no rule against it.

So, a couple years back when I was trying to build experience, I worked (volunteered) in the back room of a clothing store that gives profits to a cancer thing.

I knew going in that it was a predominantly Christian workplace. A lot of my co-workers wore crosses and had Jesus on the wall of the place. Whatever, not my business, don't care.

Somehow, while folding clothes ready to hang up, religion came up and my co-worker, let's call her Stephanie (Steph), just outright asked me my religion. I responded with a passive 'I think that my religion isn't important, and personal to only me.' In my tone of voice I think I accurately portrayed that I was uncomfortable with mentioning it.

The rest of the small-ish group got the hint, dropped it, and continued they're conversation. I went over to make some coffee for myself and the group.

Steph followed me over and began her questioning. 'Well, you're clearly not Christian. Our Saviour is on the wall and you didn't even acknowledge him.' I rolled my eyes, mentally, and said, very firmly this time: 'I do not want to bring up my religion. Please, leave it be.' 'But you're not a Christian?' She continued. I humoured her and said simply 'No.'

Then, she blurted out, ''He's not Christian, HE can't work here!''

I went slightly red in the face, from embarrassment and anger. I had made it so damn clear to her that I didn't want to pursue the topic, at all, and then when I do cave, to an extent, she goes and betrays my assumed trust of her by telling everyone there.

Luckily, my boss, we'll call her Faye, had my back, and almost instantly snapped back 'Yeah, and I'm Wiccan' and left the room to tend to the floor.



Grinchy Custys: Jewish People Should Celebrate Christmas!


5 Grinchy

From RHUer

I once listened to a customer bitch out my Jewish coworker for answering her 'Merry Christmas' with a 'Happy Holidays.'

He told her that he's Jewish and chooses not to use Christmas greetings. She was pearl clutchingly incensed. ("Because Jesus was a Jew so you should celebrate CHRIST-mas!")

She launched into a whole new bitching rant, before turning to me and demanding to know whether or not I agreed with her.

My smile was one of those smiles you get right before you set somebody's word on fire, then piss on the remains for spite. I told her that I'm Wiccan and therefore celebrate Yule.

She looked like she was about to whip out the crucifix and holy water. "So you don't even decorate a tree?!"

I smiled brightly and added, "Of course we do! Decorating trees and exchanging gifts is a long time Pagan celebration, you know! And the lights we string on the trees represent the Sun. Saturnalia isn't the same without them!"

My coworker was making strangled noises. At the time, I hoped his attempts to hold in his laughter wouldn't make his head explode!

Never had a woman squawked like a strangled chicken and then run out of our store so fast in all my years of working there. Come to think of it, I don't recall seeing her again after that day.