Crazy Customers: How "Christian" Of You, Sir...


04 crazy peopleFrom DivinePrinterGod, TalesFromRetail

During college, I worked in the gift shop of a local 11th century castle that was actually still standing and in good condition. One day, middle of summer with a mock battle going on, an older Scottish gent walks up to the cash desk with a few souvenirs. As I'm ringing them through the register, the conversation goes like this.

Old Guy: When you think about all the people who have walked through these gates over the centuries...

Me: Yes, some quite important historical figures...

Old Guy: Aye, and they're all DEAD

Me: ???

Old Guy: In a demented tone, almost shouting. Dead, all gone to burn in Hell for their sins and their evil ways.

Me: Umm, that'll be £25.50 please.



Movie Theater Hell: "I'm On The Verge Of Tears"


4 movie theatre hellFrom Ent3rpris3, TalesFromTheTheatre

I'm an assistant manager at a small company in the American Southwest. Theater in question is attached to a shopping mall, while our [other theater] is stand alone and the land is company owned.

10:01PM. A man and woman show up for a showing of "The Case for Christ" @ 10:00, but it's only playing at the other theater in town (happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! Idiots can't seem to read a simple website), and it would take too long for anyone short of Dale Earnhardt Jr. to get there on time.

After questioning the box office attendant about this, they discuss for a few minutes and go to Fate of the Furious instead (Also at 10:00, but actually at our location).

12:30AM. I'm the last in the building, waiting for the projectors to cool down so I can turn them off then go home. The couple approaches me, and the fun begins.

Immediately, the woman lets out a huge, exhaustive sigh, and the conversation proceeds.

Jason cross"We came here to see the Case for Christ, but we couldn't watch it because it's only showing at the [other theater]. Also, we just finished watching F8, and I'm very troubled because there might be parents who are bringing their children to this movie unknowingly, and they might be exposed to negative and un-christian ideas. I'm very troubled - on the verge of tears - (literally, her own words, and they were accurate) that you guys aren't showing Christian films at this location, and only at the [other theater]. I feel that it's discriminatory to people who can't physically make it over there. I'm not going to come back to this location until you start showing christian films. I come to the church events hosted at this location every so often and it bothers me that there aren't Christian films here despite that."

She carries on like this for a while and I feel that if I had revealed the title of the song in my headphones ("Highway to Hell"), she would have actually fainted.

I tell her that scheduling is controlled by the corporate office, and that there is literally nothing that I, my immediate boss, and their immediate boss can do about it. I learned after the fact that it's in fact the studios that control this, and that of the 90-100-ish screens in the company (of which 26 are in my city), only 2 prints were sent to the entire company, with one going north upstate and the other coming into our town.

Can only imagine how she would react if our 10 screen attached to a shopping mall had a muslim or satanic film showing that day.



Religious Freaks Encounters: Satan's License Plate


FREAKS 1From Tehanaru, TalesFromRetail


This is from a few years back, when I worked at a privately-owned subcontractor for the Washington State vehicle licensing department. We sold license plates, tabs, temporary vehicle permits, boat registrations, transferred titles, all that stuff. You couldn't drive on the road without going through the department we were subcontracting for, and we had longer hours than the courthouse downtown so we saw a lot of crazy come in.

One lady in particular came into the store, looked unhappy, but that was normal. Nobody really WANTS to be in the licensing store, that's where you have to pay your tax and fees. Unfortunately since we were a private company, we had to give retail-style customer service and be nice, which the government folks don't have to do. Luckily my boss was at least very serious about not breaking the law so we could put on the breaks any time the customer wanted something that wasn't legal.

In any case, this unhappy lady walks in, gets to my window, and tells me she just purchased a motorcycle, and that she needs to register it. I tell her that's no problem, collect the title paperwork, and start processing it. I was fast, but registering a brand new vehicle is a process that will take at least 5-10 minutes, especially with the slow government computers we were using.

So while she waits, she starts telling me about her situation. She used to live in Florida. She moved up here because her son moved to WA state. Her son doesn't have any time for her. Her son doesn't appreciate her. She never gets to see him even though she moved thousands of miles to be near him. At this point I'm already suspecting there might be a reason why her son moved literally as far away as he could and still be in the continental US. I haven't offered her anything in the way of encouragement for all this information, just making appropriate "Hmmms" and "oohs" and innocuous comments about how different the weather will be here.

Finally, I'm done with the paperwork, and I grab a new motorcycle plate. At the time all motorcycle plates were 6 digits, but we were almost out of numbers so every plate we had in the store was some combination of 999###. I set the plates down on the counter, facing me, and started putting the registration stickers on them, being careful because customers loved to yell at us if we put the stickers on crooked.

Carolanne omgThe lady watches me put the stickers on, and reads the plate, upside down. Suddenly she bursts out. "That says 666! That's Satan!"

I look up, mystified and confused, and then realize that the 9s look like 6s upside down. In my calmest tones I say, "Oh, well, luckily it's not 666, it's 999."

That's not good enough for her. "WELL IT LOOKS LIKE SATAN! I want a different plate!"

Now the crazy is on full display. I calmly explain that while she could get a plate where the last three numbers are different, the only plates being issued right now all begin with 999, and that there won't be anyplace that has a different number sequence, at least not in this county, probably not within a couple of counties.

She continues to freak out. "Well that's just perfect! That's just like this whole state! It's all just Satan. SATAN!"

I handed her the plates and paperwork (already processed the payment), and wished her a nice day.



Religious Freaks Encounters: Jesus Would Not Play Mortal Kombat


FREAKS 3From SamuraiSpecialty, TalesFromRetail

After starting as a bagger, I was promoted to working in produce six months in and then promoted to grocery 3 months later. Grocery at my store was in charge of making sure boxed products were regularly stocked and that all products in the store were "faced." Facing products means making sure the products looked neat and presentable to the customers.

I worked alongside a guy named Mark, and Mark loved Mortal Kombat and so did I. This was back in the early 2000's so we often talked about the arcade trilogy while doing our job. We talked about the best characters, the worst ones, best combos to use, best fatalities, etc, pretty much every shift. I always had a blast working with Mark.

One day, I was telling Mark about how Sub-Zero's famous spine rip fatality caused the beginning of the ESRB rating system, and one lady, we will call her Fundamentalist bitch, stomped over to us.

FB: "Excuse me, but are you talking about Mortal Kombat?"

Me: "Yes ma'am. Do you-"


In a state of utter shock I try to calm her down.

Me: "Uh, M-Ms. I'm a Christian and I don't really think I-"


Me: "Miss please, there's no need for this. As I said I'm a Christian, and am fully aware of my faith. Please stop-"

Aaaaaaaaannnnndddd then she starts throwing water on me and Mark and chanting. Loudly.

Me: "What the Hell?! Stop lady and get out now!"

FB: "Oh Lord, cleanse this pagan of his sins and purify his soul and this place of Satan!" This is exactly what she said over and over.

Mark then smacks the lady's bottle of her hand, breaking it and, get this, a cop who just got off duty saw this go down and escorted her out. Meanwhile, I go to the bathroom and dry off her "Holy Water" dismayed about the whole situation. Apparently, saying you're a Christian makes you a sinner and a pagan.

I'm not done. A few months later she comes back and starts asking everyone that "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?" question to everyone in the store, pissing off alot of customers.

I personally hate when people are do this, because I believe shoving my faith down people's throats are the exact opposite of what being a Christian is. So I go up to her to tell her to stop.

Big mistake.

Balls award5Me: "Miss I understand you want to spread your faith but this not the way to go about it. You need to stop or leave now."

FB: "You! You're that kid who desecrated the name of our Lord and destroyed my Holy water. How dare you try to persecute me! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL!"

Activating SuperSaiyanMode.exe in 3...2...1.

Me: "You listen to me. I told you once before, I am a Christian, but you would not have it. You have constantly insulted me and made yourself look like a dumb bitch. The only one I see that needs improvement is you you stupid cunt. My faith and the religious views of everyone in this store, is none of your damn business. Get. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Store. Now."

Yeah I was fired a day later.



Religious Freaks Encounters: The Break Room Was A Church Until I "Ruined It"


FREAKS 2From endersp, TalesFromRetail

I used to work at a big blue box store known it's "low prices", was there for three years. By the time I left I had become a bitter asshole (side effect of being in retail too long for some people), but when I started I was the nicest six foot five behemoth you would ever meet.

Now I am an atheist living smack dab in the middle of the heavily Christian area of my state, never had much of a problem keeping to myself about my beliefs or lack thereof however you want to put it and I did my best to never get in anyone's face about their preaching. Now it's been a month since I started and I'm at the point where I'm super bored during every break, so I read a lot, probably three books a month, the book I'm reading at the time is Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. 

I'm minding my own business, reading my book when one of the older cashiers walks by and sees my book and starts screaming at me how I shouldn't bring that Satanist trash to work and I need to put it away. I attempt to explain how she is mistaken (never works, older me wouldn't have even tried) and she screams that I'm creating a hostile work environment for believers by having that book. She walks out and I assume we're done with this.

Now at this point I would like to point out that our break room had a community book shelf in it. There were probably fifty books on it at the time around 20 of which were either heavily Christian themed or full out religious books and texts, there were three copies of the bible for fuck sakes. Associates forced to work Sundays could be heard praying loud enough to hear and a few times some of the older gals played a local church's broadcast of their sermon! All of this is important to know for the ruthlessness that happened when I got off my break.

As I clock in to resume work I get a prompt from the time clock to report to the store manager's office. Seeing as how I'm newer I freak out and practically sprint to the front of the store to the office, knock on the door and am greeted by the man himself, he smiles and asks me to come in and take a seat. I do and see the shift manager is there too, nothing is said for a solid minute before the store manager breaks the silence and asks me about the book.

B = store manager J= shift

B: So Ender, we had a report that you were reading some offensive material in the break room today.

Me: I want reading anything offensive, it was a book that I kept to myself and read silently during my lunch

J: Someone sad that the book you were reading offended them and they asked you to put it away. It's against company policy to disturb the break room. And we're going to have to give you a coaching and send you home for the day.

Me: For reading a book!?

B: For having an offensive book at work and causing a seen

Coworker hellMe: Really!? Because last time I checked there's bibles on the bookshelf, employees play church sermons every Sunday and more offensive to an atheist than me reading a book! The break room might as well be a church! And if you write me up, you're going to have to do so to about 15 other people because I will lodge a complaint as well!

B and J look at each other and cringe knowing that I stopped just short of saying I would call corporate as well.

B: We... we're not aware of this, and because of this we're not going to write you up and we will evaluate the policy of the break room. We would still like to send you home, but you will be paid for your full shift.

I come back two days later and the bookcase is gone, so is the radio, from now on all music must be listened to with headphones and all books must be kept in your pocket or bag when not on break. To this day I'm still the guy who "ruined it for everyone" even though I wouldn't have complained, if only one cashier could have minded her own business like everyone else.



Religious Freaks Encounters: I'm Going To Hell For Not Believing That Jesus Created Mankind


FREAKS 1From chelletheshell, TalesFromRetail

For backstory, I work in a small customer service office for an online vitamin company that supports the Paleo diet. Most of the phone calls we get are about order modifications and cancellations.

About a week ago, we got a call from a lady (lets call her CL, short for crazy lady) wanting to cancel her order. This is typical, so I look her up in our ordering system and cancel everything out. Here's what happens:

Me: Alright, everything has been cancelled and you're all set!

CL: Don't you want to know why I'm cancelling?

Me: Well, I don't really make it my practice to ask since people have a variety of reasons why they cancel, but you're more than welcome to share your feedback if you'd like.


CL: WELL. I just don't think that people are descended from monkeys! I believe in Jesus and I just don't think I can support a company that believes in evolution. Now I've been buying your vitamins for a number of years, but I just can't ignore it any more. You don't believe that do you? (Owner of the company) doesn't believe that, I hope. Because anyone that believes that we come from apes is going straight to hell! Does (owner of the company) believe that we come from apes??

Me: Uh... well the Paleo diet doesn't really focus on evolution so much as pre-agricultural diet... the term "evolutionary diet" refers to how we adapted as humans hunting and gathering food.

CL: Well, I just can't support that, we do not come from apes!! We are created by GOD!! Does (owner of the company) believe in God?

Me: I'm not sure, ma'am, I didn't really feel it my place to ask.

CL: I'll pray for you.

She hangs up and I'm like wat, tell the other girls in the office and we laugh. Chalk it up to another one for the crazy file.

Crazy ladiesFast forward to today. We're going through our mail and lo and behold, we have a packet of goodies from Miss Crazy Lady herself. Plus a letter which I have transcribed for your viewing pleasure:

Dear Mr. (Owner of the company),

I have used your vitamins for years. I used to watch you on (tv show). I read some of your things on your website and have decided to quit your vitamins. It was always in the back of my mind, but your vitamins and omegas were a good deal. I just didn't want to face the facts. I have decided to face the facts.

I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ. He is Lord of my life. He gave me life. He created the world and everything in it! Genesis 1. This Christmas, and everyday I owe Him everything. It is only by His blood, and only through His mercy I will have eternal life.

I can't relate to your nonsense anymore. The earth as millions of years, and evolving, etc., on your website and your materials. I pray you don't believe you came from an ape! I ignored it, but I can't anymore, just because you have good vitamins!!!!!

Anyway, I would hope you would look into the Bible, God's word, and see what He has to say. He loves you and died for you. Trust the Lord, and give Him the honor He is due.

Please accept these few items I'm sending you to help you out. I really am concerned for your eternal soul. Thank you very much,


Crazy Lady

She sent it along with several religious tracts and a couple of DVDs all wrapped up in the cover of a puppy-themed 2013 planner.

We packed everything back up with a "Return to Sender" and a "No Solicitation" tag.