From: Sales Agent Guy
Stock the fridge with Mountain Dew,
Keeps me calm, it's strange but true,
Holiday hell makes me need it,
Because of crusties full of shit,
How was that for a suitable Christmas carol? OK, I'm not the best at writing Christmas carol parodies. I'm known for making reports from the world of retail hell. And if the Mountain Dew bit didn't clue you in, it's time for another report from Sales Agent Guy himself!
OK, this time isn't a report per se, but rather a list of holiday shopping Rules of Engagement from the agent who knows it like nothing else! This was inspired by the list of crusty quotes that we get to vote on, and that inspired me to give out the Rules of Engagement when holiday shopping. Because retail is bad enough for us retail agents as it stands, but when the holidays come around... oh... just... where's my Mountain Dew?
Ahh, that's better! Now then, allow me to provide the basic Rules of Engagement so that you, too, do not become a crusty:
-Don't ask them if they have any more when they've clearly told you they're sold out!
Seriously, this isn't like the storeroom at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark! If they tell you that they're sold out, then they're sold out! Don't bother them to look for more in the back, especially when they claim that they have no more in the back. And don't ask them to double-check either, because odds are you're not the first and won't be the last!
-Know the store hours beforehand and don't keep them from closing!
If a store's only open until 9:00 PM, then don't call them and say you're going to be right down. Odds are it can wait until the next day! And don't come in at the last minute and say you're only going to be a few minutes. Especially since that means you're going to take your time looking for things. Instead, just come back the next day! Give those poor retail slaves a chance to rest!
-Wait your turn and don't badger the staff!
If you're old enough to go shopping on your own, then you've obviously graduated from kindergarten, where you were taught to wait in line patiently and wait your damn turn! Don't try to cut in front of other people or badger staff to open another register. And for the love of all humanity, DON'T try to argue you only have one item and that they should let you go ahead. Odds are you're going to pay with a bunch of coins which is going to make everyone more miserable! Seriously, all coiners should get a TON of small rocks of coal in their stocking!
-CONTROL YOUR HELLSPAWN!
I know this wasn't part of the quotes, but it bears mentioning. If your hellspawn is tired or hungry, then don't just let them scream all the time. Do something about it! And for the love of Thrognar, DON'T just let them run around making a mess of the store! If I had my way, I'd make you clean it up and then kick you out!
-DO NOT ASK FOR LARGE AMOUNTS OF SEPARATE PURCHASES!
For the record, our store doesn't do gift receipts except with official store gift cards. So I can understand if you want separate receipts. But don't come up with like 20 Visa Gift cards and insist all of them be paid for separately because you need separate receipts! For one, we can write the amount on the back, and two, if there's a problem, you can't return it to us, you have to call the number on the back!
-FOR THE LOVE OF ALL HUMANITY, DON'T ACCUSE THEM OF RUINING CHRISTMAS!
Let's get one thing straight, I am a fan of How The Grinch Stole Christmas, but I am NOT one. Nor are my fellow agents in the field, nor are the retail slaves everywhere else. If they tell you they're sold out, then they didn't ruin your Christmas. YOU did, because you were stupid enough to wait until the last minute to go shopping! Next time, buy in advance!
-Most of all, try to realize we are NOT your stress toys!
We know that the holidays are stressful, but don't take it out on us! Don't yell at us or rush us just because you're stressed out. Don't throw the money at us or get huffy when we ask to see your credit card. And for all humanity's sake, DON'T use profanity! This is the celebration of the birth of... Oh, what's the use? Point is, DON'T SWEAR PLEASE!
-Don't blame us for your inability to pay!
If your credit card is saying it's declined, it's not going to tell us if there's a problem with the card or if you've reached your daily limit. More often than not, it just says it was declined. Don't ask us to figure out why, because we have no way of knowing. And you can claim that you have plenty of money in your bank account or available to charge, but that doesn't mean a thing if it says it's declined! Maybe I'll try it again, but if it keeps saying declined, you have two options: Find another way to pay or come back another time. Oh, and if we tell you there's a limit on sale items, don't try to trick us or create loopholes. It won't work!
All right, I think I've covered everything. Now to go enjoy an ice cold Mountain Dew while praying that my sanity remains with me throughout the remainder of the holiday season!
For now, may all your crusties follow the Holiday Shopping ROE!
--Sales Agent Guy