From Little Mall Worker, November 2010:

1.) Stinky

Mr. Stinky got his name for the obvious reason. 

He smells and he's grimy. He is also a bit touched in the head and has a weird infatuation with little ole me. 

Stinky is C-R-E-E-P-Y. 

When someone is in "his" massage chair he will stare at them until they get out.  He also watches the children in the store. Not cool dude. 

However, he received a ban from our store by making the comment "I love little girls. I like to put them in my lap and love on them." 

I know he is slightly retarded, but that was too much for us. 

Banned. 

2.) Asshole

Mr. Asshole comes in once a week and asks for you to set up the chair for him because he cannot figure it out.

He has been doing this for 5 years.  He is the most bigoted person I have met and he will take up at least an hour of your time asking you questions.

Guess what Mr. Asshole corporate has banned you.

Happy day.

3.) Mr. Wild Trip Guy

Not annoying, but a hard customer.

This guy is not hard because he is mean or rude but because he is deaf...and from Spain.  I do not speak sign language or Spanish...but I am wicked good at charades.

It always takes me a long time to figure out what he wants though.

4.) Untechnological People

We are a tech store. You don't have to be an expert, but please know what a CD player is for and have some inkling what a MP3 player is. 

Oh and wireless speakers are not, I repeat, not "new" technology. They have been around for years; probably even decades now. 

5.) Rich Snobby People 

Self-explanatory.

6.) Hellspawn

Same as above.

7.) Old people

Here are some rules for you:

1. Do not hit on me. It's gross and creepy. 

2. If you fall asleep easily stay out of my massage chairs. I cannot tell if you are sleeping or dead and I do not have a long enough poll to give you a poke. 

3. If you can see your bones under your skin do not touch the pounding massagers. 

4. Speak up. I am playing loud music and the air conditioner is loud as shit. Don't get mad if I ask you to repeat yourself.

8.) Teenagers

Do not hang out in my store. This is a place of business not a park. Yes you are not wanted here and yes I will kick you out.

And epic eye-rolls amuse me.

And no I am not scared of you so don't try anything to intimidate me. I will drop kick you straight over the railing to the second floor below.

9.) Piggy/Nasty/Entitled/Thieving Customers

Go back to the slime ridden muck hole you climbed out of.  I do not want to deal with you.

Last but not least

10.) People Who Ignore Me

I said hello. Just say hi back or wave a little. It's just common courtesy.

Oh and don't respond to Hi, welcome to (insert store name here) with "Just looking" "No thank-you" or "Ok" none of those responses make any sense at all.

Well, that is it for today.  Hell is fast approaching. I hate retail during Christmas. 60 hour work weeks.  Listening to Christmas music for 9 hours a day. Trying to find parking. Customers...so many customers. 

Here's hoping I'll survive it.

--Little Mall Worker

read more RHU Stories here

read more Crazy Customer Stories here

From a pissed off RHUer, August 2009:

To the horrible mother who let her 2 year old strangle her infant with his arms (then praised the 2 year old for "giving your brother a hug")....

THEN let her infant munch and slobber all over the receipt- you knew you were going to have to hand over that receipt in a few short minutes to get your money back.

You didn't care that it was illegible and that I had to handle your son's slobber.

You are a terrible parent, and an inconsiderate pig.

Next time I catch you doing that crap in my store, I am going to call the dept. of children and families on you and your terrible parenting.

--RHUer

 read more Bad Parents stories here

From Michael, August 2009

In these times of customers abusing the crap out of retailers, it's time for a fresh set of commandments. I'd love to see these etched into stone tablets, one for each which we could beat over the heads of customers breaking them.

1) I AM THE ASSOCIATE HELPING YOU, THE ONE AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME.

I don't give two farts in a windstorm who helped you last time and what a good little whore they were for you. They aren't here to help you now, I AM. I AM just as capable, and in many cases actually a more qualified clerk because I've worked here full time 3.5 years and have been asked damn near everything.

2) YOU SHALL MENTION NO COMPETITORS BEFORE ME.

I care even LESS what the hardware stores that have bigger floors and therefore more purchasing power are charging for the same item here. You'll lose the savings in gasoline driving there and back, and the whole reason you came here first is because their clerks don't know jack. You want to go with the cheapest price? I'll draw you a map and wave as you leave for good.

3) YOU SHALL NOT CONSIDER YOURSELF AN IDOL. 

You are not infallible. The greatest fallacy in retail is "The Customer Is Always Right." Just because you "remember" having gotten something here doesn't make it true. My favorite response to these ignorant assholes is to call their damn bluff: "Well then, please show me where you got it so I'll know for next time." Shuts them up fast. Threatening to never shop at my store again is no threat at all, because if you're playing that card I'm already annoyed with you and want you to go away.

4) YOU SHALL NOT MAKE WRONGFUL USE OF THE NAME OF THE MANAGER.

You think I'm intimidated by you name-dropping the store manager? I know his name too. I talk to him more often than you do, and I know for a fact that he'd rather keep me around than you. If it's a decision I know he can make but I can't, I'll call him for you. If you're asking the impossible, your calling upon him will only result in all our time being wasted, and I'll tell you as much. 

5) REMEMBER THE STORE HOURS, AND KEEP THEM HOLY.

Don't be banging on the doors thirty minutes before we open, there's no cashiers to ring you up yet. Don't expect to be let in five minutes past closing, we're trying to clean up after you slobs before going home. As for all of you stragglers who make it in the doors in time then just wander around for ten... fifteen... even TWENTY minutes after the store's closed, Take the hint when I keep asking you what else you need before we leave and GTFO.

6) HONOR OUR DISPLAYS AND PACKAGING.

Stop leaving random crap on the shelves. This includes your trash, merchandise from other displays, and your children's toys. DO NOT tear open packages like they were under your tree on Christmas morning. If you DO want to see what's in the box, be ready to buy the box you just opened. For that matter, be ready to buy anything you've opened. 

7) YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT CHILDERY.

We are a place of business, and that business is not child care. Watch your children in the store. If they throw a fit, take them out to the parking lot and discipline them. Do not allow them to run wild and scream within the store. If you won't take care of your spawn, I won't take care of you.

8) YOU SHALL NOT STEAL.

I can't believe it, this one's totally unaltered from the original. Shoplifting isn't cool, it's pathetic, and when you're caught, we may decide to kick your ass and then call the police to drag you off.

9) YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THE WORKERS. 

Do not claim you were treated rudely just because we told you "no." Do not make up lies about how you were treated, the management knows better... after all, they work with us every day and the employees that can't behave don't last long.

10) YOU SHALL NOT COVET THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT.

It's not as good of a perk as you think. It comes with the cost of working retail, after all... which means poverty level wages, extreme disrespect from most the customers, and cleaning up after you slobs. You want to pay less for that $2 light bulb, apply to work here and know my pain.

--Michael

From YouCanCallMeAl

1) Agreed with the cell phone. I will just ask my questions to you anyways.

2) Don't treat me like I'm am idiot. I have just finished my master's degree. I have been working here PT to go through school. The job market is crappy right now.

3) I don't set the prices. If the signage is different that what the item rings up, I HAVE TO HAVE SOMEONE CHECK IT. This doesn't mean I'm calling you a liar. I can't just override a price because you saw a sign.

4) I don't make the return policies. Call corporate.

5) I HAVE to ask you to apply for the company credit card. Please don't laugh in my face when I offer it. A simply "no, thank you," is great.

6) Seriously? You are getting pissed about the price of our cheap merchandise??? I work discount retail...you need to reevaluate your life if you are mad that we ran out of the item that is special today for $1 that used to be $3.50.

7) I am good at my job. If you come in a lot, I will remember you. If you treat me nice, I will be nice to you. If you are rude, I will remember that, too, still be nice to you, but I will still remember that you had been rude to me.

8) Don't complain to me about things you don't like about the store/company. Use the internet/toll-free numbers provided to contact customer service! I will not stand there and bad-mouth my company with you--they treat me well.
9) Just because it's online, doesn't mean we have the style in stores or the sizes. Please read!

10) Yes, I know it's annoying, but you NEED YOUR RECEIPT to do ANYTHING, even an even-exchange. Also, 92 days is still over the 90 day return policy. Not my fault you missed it. I can't take it back.

Whew! Thanks for letting me vent. Customers can make for an awesome day at the register or make me cry when I get home at the end of my shift. Spread the kindness!

--YouCanCallMeAl

Read more RHU Pet Peeves here!

From Management Bitch Slave

1) Do not snap, whistle, or beckon me like a dog when you need my attention.

2) For God's sake, put your friends, sugar daddy, or drug dealer on hold. Your phone call or text is of no concern to me. Whether you think so or not, you're holding up the custys behind you.

3) NO, I DON'T have an extra coupon for you. You should have been in here for the three weeks we handed them out. If I don't have the proper number of coupons vs. the amount I rung in, I'M in trouble.

4) Just because you chat me up over my John Lennon tattoo, or my Women's Champion t-shirt (yes, I kick ass in the rasslin ring) and think we bonded over a pro wrestling chat, doesn't mean I'll hook you up with a discount. Don't even try it.

5) The return policy is the return policy. Just because I am the manager doesn't mean I'll break the rules for you, ESPECIALLY if you're coppin' a 'tude at me.

6) Just because it's on our website doesn't mean it's in our particular location. I don't mind calling and asking other stores if they have it, but don't freak out on me when I say we don't carry it.

7) If you bring in a boatload full of children, it's YOUR responsibility to watch them, NOT mine. If they knock over a mannequin, or spill their cheerios, or GOD forbid soil themselves in my store, YOU clean it up!

--Management Bitch Slave