Mall Worker's 10 Types of Retail Customers
From Little Mall Worker, November 2010:
Mr. Stinky got his name for the obvious reason.
He smells and he's grimy. He is also a bit touched in the head and has a weird infatuation with little ole me.
Stinky is C-R-E-E-P-Y.
When someone is in "his" massage chair he will stare at them until they get out. He also watches the children in the store. Not cool dude.
However, he received a ban from our store by making the comment "I love little girls. I like to put them in my lap and love on them."
I know he is slightly retarded, but that was too much for us.
Mr. Asshole comes in once a week and asks for you to set up the chair for him because he cannot figure it out.
He has been doing this for 5 years. He is the most bigoted person I have met and he will take up at least an hour of your time asking you questions.
Guess what Mr. Asshole corporate has banned you.
3.) Mr. Wild Trip Guy
Not annoying, but a hard customer.
This guy is not hard because he is mean or rude but because he is deaf...and from Spain. I do not speak sign language or Spanish...but I am wicked good at charades.
It always takes me a long time to figure out what he wants though.
4.) Untechnological People
We are a tech store. You don't have to be an expert, but please know what a CD player is for and have some inkling what a MP3 player is.
Oh and wireless speakers are not, I repeat, not "new" technology. They have been around for years; probably even decades now.
5.) Rich Snobby People
Same as above.
7.) Old people
Here are some rules for you:
1. Do not hit on me. It's gross and creepy.
2. If you fall asleep easily stay out of my massage chairs. I cannot tell if you are sleeping or dead and I do not have a long enough poll to give you a poke.
3. If you can see your bones under your skin do not touch the pounding massagers.
4. Speak up. I am playing loud music and the air conditioner is loud as shit. Don't get mad if I ask you to repeat yourself.
Do not hang out in my store. This is a place of business not a park. Yes you are not wanted here and yes I will kick you out.
And epic eye-rolls amuse me.
And no I am not scared of you so don't try anything to intimidate me. I will drop kick you straight over the railing to the second floor below.
9.) Piggy/Nasty/Entitled/Thieving Customers
Go back to the slime ridden muck hole you climbed out of. I do not want to deal with you.
Last but not least
10.) People Who Ignore Me
I said hello. Just say hi back or wave a little. It's just common courtesy.
Oh and don't respond to Hi, welcome to (insert store name here) with "Just looking" "No thank-you" or "Ok" none of those responses make any sense at all.
Well, that is it for today. Hell is fast approaching. I hate retail during Christmas. 60 hour work weeks. Listening to Christmas music for 9 hours a day. Trying to find parking. Customers...so many customers.
Here's hoping I'll survive it.
--Little Mall Worker
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