RHU University: End Of The First Semester

RHU1STRWell my dear students, your first semester has come to a close. I hope you enjoyed learning about some of the Custys and Crustys that can be encountered in the Retail Environment.

Hopefully what you have learned here has prepared you for the field, and I encourage you to observe and document your encounters. Keep in mind that anything you discover could be used to expand our knowledge and understanding of these annoying, and sometimes dangerous, but unique creatures.

We wish to encourage you to continue to submit your discoveries and encounters to our school for future generations of Custologists and Crustologists. If, by happenstance, you meet a new species of Custy or Crusty that may not have been discovered yet, please submit any and all information about your encounter to our office. We will investigate it as thoroughly as possible and add it to our curriculum with full credit to the one who discovered it.

Also, I would like to remind all of you that safety is still very important, regardless of how experienced you may be in encountering these beasties in their natural environment. As each Custy and Crusty has its own personality, each situation will differ from one day to the next. Always remember that these are wild, unpredictable creatures and cannot be considered 'tame' or 'safe.' Do not approach a strange Crusty without safety equipment or reviewing the correct behaviors for handling one.

Now you may have realized that we have only covered a small percentage of Custys and Crusties in existence. I wish to reassure you that your learning experience is not over, and that after a break we shall begin a new semester with new Custies and Crustys to discover and observe. If you have heard of a species of Custy or Crusty that you are still eager to learn about, please be sure to return next semester for a chance to meet them!

Until next time, my faithful students, I wish you luck and a fruitful harvest of encounters!

Class dismissed,


RHU University 15: Douchebags

RHU1RDYAhh, my poor, weary students of RHU University... today is going to be another grueling day. Snap on your surgical gloves folks, this can get messy! Today we will encounter the creature that almost guarantees Police Intervention. The creature of today relies on its intimidating appearance and behavior to bully beings it believes to be lesser than itself. It is a horrible, unsanitary creature that makes its lair in the lower colon of Retail Hell, as evidenced by its behavior. Are you ready, my tired minions? Whether you are or not, we're about to encounter the Douchebags!

Family: Shopper

Genus: Crusty

Species: douchebags

Douchebags are adult males with bad attitudes. Urban Dictionary describes them as "Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however has not yet reached fucker." Douchebags are a versatile and prolific species. You can find them roaming about with Bitches, or may be the grown spawn of a Bitch or an Entitled Crusty. In some instances, a Douchebag will seek to latch onto a partner that is good, kind and gentle. Oftentimes, the Douchebag quality will result in the Douchebag getting promptly dumped. However, this just shows how they can integrate themselves into multiple social statuses, at least temporarily.

These thugs are more aggressive than Bitches, and may be more willing to be physically violent. Crustologists suspect that this is an attempt to demonstrate their strength, and thus their perceived eligibility as a mate. The bigger, tougher, meaner, or stronger a Douchebag acts, the more he is trying to impress a potential mate. This trait can, and often does, backfire. Unfortunately, this behavior does work often enough to result in a Hellspawn with the traits of both degenerate parents. Beware!

Douchebags have a vast array of vocalizations, and it's impossible to record them all here. However, I have compiled a small list of examples. Take notes.

A Douchebag, especially when trying to impress his "wuh-mun," will grunt, hoot and pound his chest like a gorilla while declaring, "Yew-caint-talk-to-mah-wuh-man-lak-thet!" Translation can be difficult, but Crustologists believe it is a phrase in the defense of the Douchebag's potential mate, objecting to the way a Retail Slave may have phrased a statement or denial.

Douched"The-only-correct-answer-is-'Yes-sir,'" is usually uttered in a deep, threatening tone, while he makes an effort to look taller and/or loom over the Retail Slave in an attempt to intimidate. Watch for behaviors that go along with it: placing his hands flat on the counter and leaning forward (usually in your face), eyebrows (if plural and not just one heavy monobrow) shoved together over a threatening glower, clenched teeth, and a scowl.

"I-didn't-do-anything-wrong,-[Retail Slave]-has-been-bullying-and-harassing-us!" This call is uttered when a figure of authority comes into the scene, especially one that doesn't look like he or she can be intimidated. Like any bully, if the Douchebag cannot intimidate, he will pretend to be helpless. The success of this varies based on the Douchebag's acting skills and the individual manager.

The physical behavior of a Douchebag is somewhat lessened compared to a Bitch, in that Douchebags have an instinctive fear of laying their hands on a female retail slave. As with many Men of much higher quality and eligibility of the term "Man," a Douchebag wants a mate and knows that society responds in a very strong nad negative way to physical harm toward women, especially if the Douchebag is physically much large and stronger than the woman. Thus he is usually limited to threats and intimidation where his hands do not get soiled.

It is our duty, however, to warn that this is only a general rule and not something a Crustologist should rely on. There are many degenerate breeds of Douchebags that do not share this fear. Always call for backup from a manager or supervisor and be prepared for anything. Do not be afraid to call for the police if you feel truly threatened.

Homework: Describe your most memorable encounter with a Douchebag and share it with the class.

Class dismissed,