Cashier Hell: Custy's Diarrhea Trail


Undead in Indiana:

So the day started out decently enough...mostly...found out that something made the milk go sour in the fridge.  Okay...well, worse things have happened.  

And indeed they would.

Then at work somebody (probably somebody's child) made a huge fecal mess all along the carpeting between my register and the door, and I only found out about it when a customer pointed it out to me as he was leaving...proving that not only am I horrifically ignorant of what my customers are doing *right in front of me*, but that I don't get out from behind my register nearly as often as I should.

And proving once and for all that people are jerks.  

Somebody or somebody's kid did this, and nobody said anything to me, not, "Sorry, my kid has diarrhea" or, "Sorry, I have diarrhea" or "Hey, that lady's kid pooped all over your floor!"  Unless they just didn't see it happen, in which case I only feel like HALF the fool.

And then came the cleanup.  But not before another poor customer rushed up, ignored my warning and stepped in it!  So, profuse apologies on my part, and paper towels.

And more frantic calls for cleanup help.

OCTOCAROL 095aSo before any other unfortunate wetness could occur, I whisked the remaining customers across the aisle to the other register, which unfortunately faces the western windows, at a time when the sun is inching, slowly and painstakingly, toward the horizon.  

And it got right in my face.  

My fellow employees know my pain, for they've invariably been through it too.  I couldn't even look at the customers or read the register totals without shading my eyes, face screwed up in agony and feeling like a vampire.

Thankfully my dauntless fellow employees were on the job, cleanup finally occurred, and no more customers had to suffer the wet.  (Although today must have been Public Humiliation Day, because my fellow employee informed me that she'd just minutes before had to clean up a full-blown adult-sized defecation on the floor just OUTSIDE the bathrooms!  Oh, the humanity.)

But finally all was well, sufficiently mopped, bleached, swept and smelling sweet again, and eventually I was able to make my way back across the aisle and back into the darkness of the shadows to await the coming of night.

The rest of the night was uneventful, and I slunk back home, wounded but alive.

So now I'm relaxing at home, and celebrating my survival of this day with "Tin Man" on DVD and some Oreos.  I have no milk. but it will have to do.

--Undead in Indiana


Tales of Woe and Win At The Golden Arches

MCHELL2McScrewYou Slave here again, with a couple of mini-tales of woe and one tale of win.

At our drive-thru (not McScrewYou's, haven't worked there for a while but think I'll hang on to the name ;) ), we have a screen that shows your order as I'm punching it in. 90% of the people who come through don't bother to look at the screen, but it tends to be the ones who DO that are annoying, because they don't understand HOW things are rung up so they tell me I'm entering their order wrong.

Case in point.....

"No, I didn't order a water, take that off!"

"Sir, you ordered a Puppy Patty (plain unsalted slice of meat so they don't have to buy a whole burger for their dog). I can't enter a piece of meat without adding it to something. This is how we enter a Puppy Patty."

"....oh. Okay then."

Minor annoyance, not so bad.

"Okay, so that'll be 8---" Jason 034

"I didn't order two burgers!"

"Yes, sir, that's the combo---"

"I know I ordered the combo! I only want one burger!"

"I realize that, sir, but----"

"TAKE IT OFF!!" "..........." (I remove the combo discount, which if you don't read the last three letters 'CMB' would appear to be a second burger, so he will leave)

"Okay, please drive thr--"

"WHY IS IT $10?!?!?" *headdesk* ".................. I'll have your total for you at the window, sir........" (wait for him to drive off, re-add the combo discount, resist urge to hork one up in his root beer).

And then there's just the typical drive-thru morons. Take the dude's order, tell him to drive through, wait. And wait. Aaaaand..... wait. Look outside the window, he's still just sitting at the speaker.

So I turn the headset back on to tell him again to drive through.


As soon as it's turned on I hear him screaming at the speaker "-----LOOOO? HEELLLOOOOO!?!?! HELLO!!!!!!!"

"....... Hi?"

"WHY IS IT $9?!? THAT BURGER'S ON SALE FOR $2.50 AND THE OTHER ONE'S $3! IT SHOULD BE $5.50!" (are you fucking kidding me?)

"......... because you ordered large fries and there's tax?" (seriously people, it's FUCKING TAX. Taxes have only existed for the last, what, hundred and fifty years? Yeah, I can totally see how you missed being informed about that one)

"WELL THEN I DON'T WANT THE FRIES!" "..... sure, that'll be $6.25. Please drive through (and actually fucking DO IT this time, cockhole).

" This is one of the situations where if the guy actually DID bother to read the damn screen, he would've known that. But that would require, you know, EFFORT. Or brains. I can't decide which one this guy would have more trouble using.

*    *    *

Now for a tale of win. It may not seem that way at the start but you'll see why at the end. This is back at McScrewYou's.

So, I'm working booth. That means I'm the first window at drive-thru; I take the order, take the money, and then second window takes care of handing them the order. Since that takes very little time, I'm also the person in charge of tidying the lobby and cleaning bathrooms.


So I'm in booth, just finishing up an order, when someone tells me over the headset that there is a 'bathroom emergency' in Men's. To which I just think WTF? I cleaned that thing like 5 minutes ago.

So I head up front to get the cleaning supplies, and on my way to the supply closet mention to two of my co-workers that I'd just been alerted to an 'emergency' in the bathroom (I can't remember if they asked or what, this was over a year ago).

I get the cleaning supplies, and on my way to the bathroom the head manager (a cool guy, really friendly, let's call him AM) has just come in asks me how the morning's been going.

I hesitate for a moment, then say I'll tell him after I find out what exactly a 'bathroom emergency' is. Then my drive-thru headset beeps, and I have to head to booth to take care of that order. Meanwhile, my two co-workers have gone to check out the men's bathroom, and as I'm closing the door behind me I can hear them *SCREAMING* in absolute horror. From the other side of the building. At this point, I'm starting to get REALLY scared about what exactly a 'bathroom emergency' entails.

I finish the order and head back up front to grab the cleaning supplies, at which point I see AM walking from the supply closet carrying a roll of paper towels, a big garbage bag, and the box of rubber gloves. Looks at me and tells me to go back to booth.

"But shouldn't I--"

"NO go back to booth!"

So I tidy up dining room and serve a couple customers. Later, I see AM walking out of the men's room with the garbage bag COMPLETELY full of paper towels. Like stuffed to the top. It was completely empty when he went in there. My two co-workers who actually saw the bathroom told me that, to put things delicately, a man suffered from some indigestion and couldn't bridge the gap between pants and toilet quite in time. Which is to say, the entire floor in front of the toilet was a massive puddle of liquid shit.

I can not put into words just how appreciative I was to have a boss that was willing to do the dirty work himself rather than shovel it off to the newbie after he saw just what I would have had to deal with. I know a lot of bosses out there would have had me wrist-deep in feces at that point.

Until next time!

--McScrewYou Slave




Target Cart Attendant Has Day From Bathroom Hell


From Target Slave: As a cart attendant, this is the kind of shit I have to deal with daily working at Target. Literally.

I covered up the mess for those of you who have queasy tummies or may be snacking or drinking while reading. If you'd like to see just how shitty this little Target piggy was click the pick or






Hellmart Custys: Things You Can Apparently Wipe Your Ass With

Ashy-Boy here! I'm at the Hellmart with Daddy-Boy, and this is everything that was in the toilet paper aisle.

So, without further hesitation, we present 'Things You Can Apparently Wipe Your Ass With' by Hellmart Piggy Shoppers.

The above hot dog buns are a Hellmart piggy crowd favorite because they can easily accomodate super-sized turds the size of Lincoln Logs!



Create your own personalized shit sheets with multi-purpose photo paper! Use pictures of your enemies, hateful coworkers, and famous douchebags like Kim Kardashian!



 If you're a Hellmart-brand popcorn chicken eater, the produce keeper is perfect for depositing diarrhea into two hours later!


 Not sure what this reject is, but it looks to be plenty comfy for asswiping!


 Flatbread and fuzzy fingers? Not so comfy. A combo for those who like their wiping on the sadistic side.


The Edge of Grocery Hell: Holiday Shit Show

Groceryhell2From Then Let Them Eat Crack:

First off let me say that one of the advantages of having sold my soul to the retail gods many years ago (slightly over a decade this past summer) is that I have come to know A LOT of my custys personally and it allows me to get away with saying some things that I should probably be fired for, that and having a manager who has his own column on RHU doesn't hurt either.  

Just a few short weeks after I smarted off to one of my regulars and explained to Riferous that I actually knew her, he told me "I just assume you know everyone or I couldn't sleep at night knowing you still have a job."  

I had an asshat customer.  We have a sale that says when you buy 10 participating items, you get $5 off your order.  The items are clearly marked but as this sale always goes hand in hand with our 10 for $10 sale its apparently confusing.  I'm in my late 20's and a man probably in his 60's comes up to the service desk and throws his receipt at me (strike one) and starts swearing:

"This fu**ing stuff didn't ring up right, she charged me too much" (strike two, you only get one swear word with me)


"Well sir she didn't charge you anything, she scanned a barcode and the computer brought up the price but let me see what's going on."

"NO! this is Fu**ing bullsh**" Jason 043

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stop swearing, there's no need for that kind of language."

"NO! this is..."

"Is non negotiable, you either stop swearing or you leave.  Period."

"Well I bought 7 of those buy 10 items and I didn't get the right price, its because of people like you that I lost my farm." (did he just pull a "you people" on me?)

I go on to explain that this is a common problem that there is a simple solution and I will be happy to fix it.

You should let me get three more things and just give me the difference

I would be happy to sir, and that's how we fix this and I would have explained that 5 minutes ago if you hadn't started cussing at me.

He leaves to get his things and comes back more calm and politely asks:

Do you see why I'm upset? Jason2 064b

I do see why you're upset and you have a right to be, but you don't have a right to swear at me, I didn't make up the sale and I had no control over it.

Well, he says, WE'RE obviously from two different generations

Praying to all that is holy that I don't lose my job, I said,

That's obvious sir, I was raised with manners and I don't speak to people like that.

He left in a huff, I immediately called my store manager and when I started my story with "you're gonna get a call about what just happened" he sighed and when I told him the story he just said he'd handle it, apparently the man never called.

*    *    *    *

I know the Holidays are tough on us slaves, This time of year is like Retail Armageddon and to do my best to help I make candy every year and bring in for my fellow slaves.  

There is a small shelf next our customer service cell and I usually just put the bags of glass candy there for them to enjoy as they have time.  Tonight after all was closed up this entitled couple comes walking into the store and starts pointing to the bags (plain unlabled zip-type bags of candy) and discussing what flavors they must be.  The husband tells his wench in a condescending tone that "No dear, that one is cinnamon." I correct them because they were wrong and I wouldn't miss the opportunity to tell them they're wrong, and next thing I know the wife opens a bag and sticks her grubby little paw in and GRABS A HANDFUL!  It wasn't a dish, it was a freaking bag, do you think I spent my money and time to make candy for you God-only-knows-where-they've-been hands to go digging through?

*    *    *    * Jasontoilet

So working in grocery I work with a lot of minors and a lot of Custys who apparently were literally raised in a barn.  I have no idea what these people's home looks like but I think the producers of Hoarders would have a field day in my town.

One day there was a "problem in the public bathroom and we called two of our male baggers up to the office to be as fair as possible with the doling out of the task.  Mr. Tommy Toughnuts who is dying to anything but real work volunteers for the job without hearing what it is so we let him have it: someone had backed up and shit in the urinal.  After he cleaned up the mess the poo jokes started:

You tired? You look Pooped.

Having a Shitty day?

Tired of coming to work and getting Shit on?

I know you have a crappy job.

Feel like no one gives a SHIT?

I swear not two hours later another one of my kids is laughing hysterically and they tell me there's another mess in the same bathroom, so I go to investigate and someone has shit their pants and taken their soiled undergarments and carried them across the bathroom and thrown them not in the trash can but on the floor literaly abutting the can.  I had to call Riferous and tell him about it and when he asked if I was kidding I said "I shit you not!"

I felt bad for my fellow slaves but it made for an entertaining day for me.

Finally. Jasonbag

The day after Thanksgiving is usually the best day of the year to work in food service, most of the people in the world are off terrorizing all the other retail slaves and dragging their spawn out at O'dark Thirty because their welfare checks just came in.  This year some asshat custy called the store and demanded a manager.

She proceeds to tell our new manager that she got charged for her daughters turkey and demands a refund.

"Was your daughter in line behind you?


"Did your daughter also get charged for the turkey?"


"...And you want me to refund your money?"

Well duh.

"Ma'am, I guess your daughter owes you some money, have a nice day."


--Then Let Them Eat Crack